Advice from those who are in/have got out of EA relationships

[Lodgecockers]

My best friend (grew up with her since we were 3) is in a relationship which really disturbs me. Her DH is violent, hit his boss when he lost his job and assaulted my DH a month ago. For years, he's called her names and humiliated her in public. He's controlling and shouts at their DCs. They both have loud verbal arguments in front of their DCs, some of which I - and other friends - have witnessed, including his threats to take the DCs away because they are 'his'. She's lost all her spark and self esteem. They are financially dependent on her. He doesn't work and is a SAHD. Recently, her father paid off a large chunk of their mortgage and so she has the option to work part time, but her DH doesn't want her 'in the way at home, complaining about how he deals with the DCs' (her words about what he has said). She says that is reasonable as he 'raised the kids' although she would like to spend more time with them. Since he assaulted my DH, she says they have had long discussions about the future of their marriage and she arranged for her DH to go on an anger management course. She now says that she loves him, doesn't want to split up, and she's going to help him find some other outlets etc. When we meet up, she's very defensive of him and how great he is. It's absolutely breaking my heart, she's my best friend and she seems to be to be completely crushed. What should I do? We have a large group of friends, all went to school together, and they all think the same as me and want to help her. It needs to come from her though. Once, she has broken down and told us she's terrified of losing her kids, but apart from that she keeps up her defensive wall. Face to face, it seems to be too much pressure for her to hear what we think. I was thinking of writing her a very short letter, telling her how concerned I am and that I'm here, and all her friends are here, to help her whenever she's ready - financially, emotionally, whatever she needs. Would that be helpful or just make things worse for her?

He's not simply emotionally abusive, he's also violent. Unfortunately, all you can do is listen, observe that his behaviour is abusive, offer practical help if she wants it and then take a big step back until she's ready to do something about it. You can't fix someone if they don't want to be fixed.

FWIW if she's worried she would lose her DCs she should take legal advice because she's find out that's quite untrue. The only exception I would make is if you have good evidence that either she or the DCs are in immediate risk. Then you'd send the police round.

Thanks Cogito. It's awful not being able to help more

You can't do anything to help until she realises he isn't going to change. That may take time and may never happen. All you can do is be there for her but try to not be too critical of him as it may stop her talking to you. I know that will be hard.

I have a friend who is in an EA relationship. She knows she can talk to me and come to me as although I will tell her his behaviour is abusive I never say nasty things about him if that makes sense. He is a lovely bloke when we socialise, and she knows I like that part of himbut she aalso knows I don't like his behaviour and that I will support her. If I slagged him off all the time she would be even more isolated as I know she wouldn't talk to me about it. Its really hard to do but I do it so she has someone she can rely on whenever she needs it. I know one day she will be strong enough leave, it will just take time.

BTW... did either your DH or this man's ex boss report the assaults to the police? I'm only asking because it this violence extends beyond shouting in public to assaults in private - and I don't think that's an unreasonable speculation - it may help her if he is already known to them.

Purple I do try not to slag him off and in fact not even to comment on him at all - just on how his behaviour affects her, or her DCs. For example, when she said that he was entitled to tell her that she couldn't stop work because the kids were 'his' and he 'raised them', I bit my tongue and asked her how that made her feel and whether she felt that raising their DCs was equal team work, and whether she felt she had any rights as their mother to spend time with them. I try to approach it that way, but her self confidence has been shattered to such a degree that she doesn't know how she feels anymore or what might be reasonable for her to expect. Her own feelings and sense of self are really really buried by now.

Cogito - I don't know if the ex boss reported it. We didn't report it and it was quite a tortuous decision to make. My DH works in child protection and knows how important it is to report DV, but also knows how often a report can result in far worse violence either to the DCs or the partner. We were scared for her. I wish now we had reported it. Maybe we should. It was only a month ago. I don't know whether it would help her (to have it on record) or just isolate her further. Her DH is very likely to use that as a reason to further cut off contact with her friends.

Its hard isnt it lodge you just want to say what you think but know that biting your tongue is the best thing to do. You sound like a lovely friend and she is lucky to have you looking out for her.

Just a thought: is he deliberately making sure he's the main career for the children so that he can use this leverage to scare her into staying?

I suspect he is a weak and powerless man. He's also IMHO not in love with her but in love with the control he has in the relationship. At least he treats her with quite a lot of contempt quite a lot of the time and does use the kids as a threat. I find it hard to imagine someone who loves you and who loves his children, screaming at you - in front of them - that he's going to take them away. He's at his most controllling about the time she can spend with the kids. He says that looking after them is his 'job' and she shouldn't interfere with it. I do think you're right haverer that the fear of losing them is his main weapon.

Thank you purple - that's a lovely thing to say

Just thinking about this some more. She calls herself 'Daddy Pig' and says she's the useless one with the kids and around the house and that things go well when she doesn't try to get involved. She's even written about that on a blog which I won't link to as it could out us both. That's so sad isn't it. She also says she doesn't have good role models because her own childhood was difficult, but that her DH does and knows exactly how to make children happy. The enormous irony of it is that she is the protective one. I try to build her confidence as a Mum and tell her what a great, instinctive Mum she is (and she is....).

It almost certainly is her insecurity, both generally and as a mother, and her fear of losing her children that is keeping her frozen. A simple consultation with a solicitor would knock that one on the head in five minutes. Getting her to make the appointment is probably impossible.

she has to realise it herself

I've just got out if an emotionally abusive relationship. everyone seen it, my family commented on it, my friends commented on it, but I was blind to it. in my head, he loved me, he didn't mean it, I made him angry, I'm sure lots if people relationships are like this behind closed doors.

I'd defend him to everyone. I'd talk myself around it, I'd ignore his remarks & as for finances I just went along with it as I didn't earn so I didn't feel I had any say.

just be there for her, support her, let her know your door is always open.
I know it's hard to watch, and I'm sure it infuriates you because it infuriated my friends. but now they are so supportive.