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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my head mixed up...

44 replies

killpeppa · 30/10/2013 09:32

I am just so so confused. I just don't know what to do. I've been so strong and so decisive all week & today I'm just breaking into pieces.

I told my husband last week I wanted to separate. we have had a rough year with an unexpected pregnancy, a wedding and he cheated. I still love him but I have serious trust issues after the cheating incident. He has always been quite controlling & as a SATM I don't have any income. I don't get a penny for myself, I get given money for the shopping and if I go over my budget he will shout at me. I understand money is tight but he still manages to have a gym membership & go out drinking every weekend.

He can be nasty, telling me that I need to loose weight (sizes 10) and that I don't ever make an effort with my appearance (I always wear make up). Recently he keeps telling me to go to the dr because he thinks I'm depressed (I'm not) I

I just need some strength if anyone has any to spare. if I stay I stay in a relationship that I'm controlled and put down but my family is all together (2 DC) and I have a lovely home.

if I leave I am on my own and will have to claim benefits to get myself on my feet, but I won't live in fear of doing something wrong and being resentful towards someone who drinks, party's and spends money that I'm not allowed to touch.

OP posts:
HettiePetal · 30/10/2013 09:37

He's an abusive arse - you know this. Is a nice house worth that kind of misery?

Some time spent on benefits is not that bad - it's tough but doable.

It sounds like, deep down, you want out so start making your plans. Loads of people on here will give you advice and the CAB can give you some info about what benefits to apply for.

Good luck :)

kotinka · 30/10/2013 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 30/10/2013 09:40

That's a famous line from controlling partners, that you must be mentally ill (otherwise of course you would be blissfully happy in the gilded cage). Actually you're more likely to end up mentally ill if you do stay with someone who tells you up is down etc.

Original poster
killpeppa · 30/10/2013 09:45

it's just so hard.
I haven't stopped loving him,but I don't want to be miserable anymore. I have two DS under two & I don't want to turn their little worlds upside downSad

I know what yous are saying is the truth & I have appointment with the benefits office and the housing association tomorrow. the closer it get the more scared I get.
I've lost my bestfriends through all this as it was one of them he cheated with & my other friends have sided with her, I haven't spoke to them in 3 months.

I guess I'm scared of being alone.

OP posts:
CogitoEerilySpooky · 30/10/2013 09:50

It's natural to be scared of being alone. But it's not a 'lovely home' where you are insulted, cheated on, financially and otherwise abused... it's a cage. However scary the alternatives, they will all be better than living in fear.

kotinka · 30/10/2013 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
killpeppa · 30/10/2013 10:00

i fear moving from a lovely area and nice house to a housing executive house probably on an estate. (not that there's anything wrong with estates as I used to live in one when I was little but I just want my kids to have the best life possible)

OP posts:
CogitoEerilySpooky · 30/10/2013 10:08

Your thread about Financial Abuse

You have no money, he steals money from your account, doesn't let you go out and you have to beg him for money for clothes. Your kids are growing up thinking this is normal and that women should be treated like worthless shit. Are they boys or girls?

If you divorced your exH would be financially responsible for you and his DCs and you'd get half of any assets. He may eve be the one moving out leaving you in the lovely area. If not, wouldn't it be better to have a smaller property of your own where you aren't living in fear, where you can come and go as you please and where your money is yours to do with as you see fit?

Stay strong... and get legal advice

Original poster
killpeppa · 30/10/2013 10:22

I know your right. the closer it gets to becoming reality the scarier it gets.

That thread is the truth I just re-read it & the replies. it's all true and I flipping know it.

I don't want to stay in this house (rented) its too big for me by myself & it's full of reminders of what he's done. I need a fresh start.

OP posts:
CogitoEerilySpooky · 30/10/2013 10:24

That's the spirit. Good luck

kotinka · 30/10/2013 10:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2013 11:04

You are taking all the right steps.
You just need to keep strong and keep going.
You really are doing so well.
Staying would be a disaster for you and for your children.
Imagine the life and relationship lessons you are currently teaching them.
If you feel you are wavering give Women's Aid a call and if you need help with an exit plan they are the people to go to.
This is full on abuse and you know it.
Get out and give yourself and your children the chance of a decent, abuse free life.
We're all behind you so go for it and keep posting for support here.

Original poster
killpeppa · 30/10/2013 11:07

I can stay in the house but I don't want too- I moved away from my family to be with him so I'd want to be closer to my mum.

I think I will ring woman's aid- to chat things through.

I'm so thankful for all the support I've received on my threads about this as yous really have given me strength and perspective

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 30/10/2013 11:11

Good luck op.

Keep posting here when you feel wobbly

You deserve much more

X

Original poster
killpeppa · 30/10/2013 12:15

right! I can do this.

just read back through all the threads I have posted about this in the past week. I have to do this for my own sanity.
I have told him he can't stay here anymore and that he needs to go stay at his mums.
I have my housing appointment tomorrow and I'm so so nervous.

I rang CB and CTC to make sure they were updated on the situation. my CTC will stop for 3 weeks until my single claim starts- don't know what I'm going to do!? I need that money but il have to swallow my pride & ask for a helping hand from my dad which can be repaid.

I just want to get past this bit! so much uncertainty.

OP posts:
CogitoEerilySpooky · 30/10/2013 12:20

I'm sure your Dad will be delighted and won't want to be paid back. Glad you're being decisive.

Original poster
killpeppa · 30/10/2013 12:50

just rang women's aid for a chat & cried down the phone for about 20 minutes but it was so good to get it off my chest.

the woman was so so lovely & just put my mind at ease about all the worries I've had about this.

I'm now mentally drainedSad

OP posts:
kotinka · 30/10/2013 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoEerilySpooky · 30/10/2013 12:55

It's stressful stuff making big decisions, but you've set things in train and that's a massive step towards a better future. Glad Womens Aid could help you. But make time for yourself now, look after your physical/mental well-being and take every chance you get to be with people and in places that make you feel better and supported rather than trapped. Keep posting if it helps.

SunshineSuperNova · 30/10/2013 13:02

Well done killpeppa, you've made a big step. x

EirikurNoromaour · 30/10/2013 18:36

Well done xx
Separating is so much better when children are younger. The longer you wait the more damaged they will be by living with this abusive horror.

KatieScarlett2833 · 30/10/2013 18:38

Well done love, you are doing brilliantly Smile

Mumsyblouse · 30/10/2013 18:42

You are for sure doing the right thing, good luck with it all.

Original poster
killpeppa · 31/10/2013 13:23

update: housing were meant to call, they didn't, I called them.
whoever I talked to is a twat & didn't put me on the call list.
now waiting for a call this afternoon.

H is trying to make me stay in the town I currently live in, I want to move to be close to my mum in the village I grew up, he's having a hissy fit and telling me,
'I'm being selfish, It's nicer here anywhere else I go will be a dump, the kids are being taken away from their town (1.8 and 7months)'

I'm not being selfish am I?
I have no friends or direct family here.

OP posts:
CogitoEerilySpooky · 31/10/2013 13:29

It's not selfish to want family support when you have small children and are a lone parent. How far away are you planning to move?