marriage help

[Jayney1985]

Can anyone help me get through this rough patch in my marriage??

Basically, I got married in January 2013, and as a family we moved 250 miles away from our home for work within a week of being married. My job role means that I have to work away a lot and this is leading to a lot of distrust from my husband. He regularly accuses me of cheating (to the point where I lie if I am working away with other men for an easy life). I have always been faithful to my husband however, he was not at the very beginning of our relationship. No matter how many times I reassure my husband that I would never be unfaithful, he accuses me constantly (even in front of our son). We moved for my job and I love my new job but feel like I can’t make friends at work because I am made to feel bad about going out or I am accused of seeing someone else. My husband has always had some insecurities about my jobs as I earn more than him and pay all bills etc. He doesn’t have as good a job and earns a little wage but I do not make any comments about this. At the moment we keep our money separate still – I pay for everything and his pay is used for his cigarettes and going out with his friends.

I feel like I am unable to have a social life as he acts like a child when I say I have plans because he feels like he is being left looking after the baby. If we go out in a group (mostly new friends he has made since moving) I am constantly told that I fancy other blokes if I so much as say hello to them. How can I get my husband to realise that it is him I want not anyone else? I feel that we don’t have proper conversations anymore and all intimacy has gone as he says go and be with such and such instead. He seems really low and is drinking more on a night time as he says he feels better when he does. We argue constantly and my husband will regularly tell me our marriage is over or that he hates me or that I am fat (I am struggling to lose my baby weight). My husband says I do nothing around the house but I try my best and our house is clean and tidy but no ironing is done as I work full time and usually 50 hr weeks when I am not staying away on business. I feel like he is so low in himself that saying things like this makes him feel better. How can I help him to overcome this as I don’t want our marriage to end. I want a marriage where we can have a conversation without it turning into an argument and where my husband believes I would never cheat on him and doesn’t feel like I am too good for him. I married him for a reason and had a baby with him for a reason – because I wanted to be with him not anyone else.

I'm very sorry but you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. Irrational jealousy, isolation, double-standards, nit-picking, withdrawal of affection, sulking/moody/unpleasant/argumentative/insulting behaviour... it all adds up, I'm afraid, to someone who is trying (and succeeding at the moment) to control, manipulate and bully.

You will never convince him that you're faithful because, quite simply, it suits him to keep you anxious and on the back foot. Very significant that he is a cheat himself. This emotionally abusive pattern is depressingly predictable and common in cheats.

Stand up to him, stop hiding your workmates, stop feeling guilty about going out and don't let yourself be bullied under any circumstances. Regain your self-respect and, if it means showing him the door, that's the unfortunate price he has to pay for his behaviour. Good luck

If he really loved you, would he be a) nice to you, or b) horrible to you?

Your post is all about how to show him you love him, how to reassure him of your love, how to make him believe that you are loyal, faithful and loving.

You're being taken for a complete fool, OP. Why do YOU have to do all the proving yourself, and he gets to set the standard of your love not being good enough? Why are YOU the one being accused of sloppiness, not caring, infidelity etc? You are so busy justifying yourself to him that you haven't for a moment stopped to think about who he treats you, and what you deserve from a relationship. Don't worry about him, he knows full well that you love him, and he's got you exactly where he wants you. Too busy worrying to take a step back and say "this isn't good enough for me, and this isn't good enough for my child."

Your husband is really being an arse!! He sounds very insecure about his role in this marriage. He needs to work on himself. You sound like you pussy foot around him & his moods & this isn't helping. Perhaps because he feels insecure about the money & work situation he bully's you & puts you down to make himself feel more powerful... Not good !!!

My friends had a similar set up at home & it worked well until the children got older then she began to resent the spare time he had compared to her & the husband started to work longer hours to balance stuff out.

It sounds to me as if you give everything to this relationship and he gives nothing.

What does he contribute to the relationship?

Faithfullness? No - he cheated.
Emotional support? No - he criticises you about your weight, your social life, your cleaning and resents your success.
Practical support? No - he expects you to look after the house and his child while he does exactly what he wants when he wants (he goes out with his friends but you can't go out with yours).
Financial support? No - all his money is spent on him.
Love? Respect? No. See all the reasons above.

You sound like a very strong and together sort of person. Why are you letting this man treat you so badly?