DPs depression, I feel like such a bitch.

[blueraincoat]

Was going to namechange but haven't but this is a very sensitive subject for me. DP suffers from depression. His depressive episodes last anywhere from 1 day to 2 weeks and there is no consistent cycle as such but I have learnt to notice when it they are starting. He becomes very, very withdrawn and has been known to just walk off for hours at a time with no warning and no way of contacting him, which terrifies me as I can't help but think what if he doesn't come back this time. There doesn't appear to be any trigger and he says he can not think of an event or circumstance that initially triggered it as there often isn't with depression. He has been to the doctor a few times but until now never followed up with their help. On his most recent trip he chose to accept anti-depressants. I was proud of him for making the decision and take control of this and also relieved that we may make some progress. We never spoke about it which is honestly fine, I was supportive of whatever avenue he chose to explore with this and I hope I got this across to him.

I do have personal experience of depression (though mine was linked to an eating disorder) which I have thankfully mostly overcome through counselling. But I know what it is like to be at the mercy of depression and the hopelessness and despair it brings which is why I feel even more like a bitch but I am just so lonely and I don't know what to do. I know this is not about me, I know this is about him but I just can't take this any more. Since he started taking the tablets (2 months) he is tired all the time and when he isn't sleeping he is sat on his laptop in the corner of the room. I was so relieved thinking this was the beginning of hopefully some progress with this and then when the these side effects (I assume) started to happened I told myself its fine it will settle down. Then his friends came over this weekend and he was himself again, laughing and joking with them, so engaged. And I was jealous that they got to have that part of him and I don't. I have no one to talk to about this as understandably DP doesn't want to tell anyone but I don't know what I can do. I thought maybe it was more, that there was also a general relationship problem but he says he loves me very much and wants to be with me. At the moment I come home from work, we sit in separate chairs and then I go to bed and he must come in after I am asleep. I am just so miserable. I love him, I want to support him but I just feel so alone and have just no idea how to approach this and support him. He was never one to talk about his feelings or what was going on in his head and now its even worse. I just have no idea what to do. Sorry for the rambling essay I know there are people going through worse stuff I just needed some help I think.

If he can be happy and joking with his friends but not you then the reasonable conclusion is that he has some conscious choice over his behaviour. I don't think it's particularly important that he talks through his feelings, but it's vital that he extends the same effort to be sociable towards you as he seems to be able to for others, or else apologise. Judge him by his actions rather then by a diagnosis.

Thank you, I think I know that but am just finding it hard to accept.

Agree completely with what Cogito said. I do just have one other question (or possibly more than one)... We're you doing things together before he started taking the tablets and, have you or he, tried to initiate anything other than sitting separately in a room since he has started taking them?
Ultimately though, if he can be engaged with others, he needs to be with you as well.

I feel for you very much.

I think it is pretty much impossible to do this and survive without talking to anyone else about it - you could start with your GP, but I found the best help via Rethink (google them locally, their services vary). DH didn't like me talking to friends about it but has come round to it since and is more open himself.

In the meantime, don't live the life of a depressive when you are not depressed; if he won't talk, go out, see friends and relax. You MUST develop a 'selfish' streak if you are living with a depressive.

Try also asking him what helps him when he is silent or withdrawn or depressed. It took me years to really ask this, but in the end dh said what helped most was simply me saying something encouraging. God knows it has stuck in my throat many times since, but I do try to do it, and it really does help.

I wouldn't necessarily agree with you Cogito - I was always excellent at appearing 'normal' - laughing etc - with friends, it was only my DH who saw how poorly I really was. Might not apply in this case but just a thought.

OP sounds like your DH needs to go back to the GP to have his meds reviewed.

Also why do you feel like a bitch? If it's because he's not engaging with you, that's not your fault. Please try not to blame yourself.

He's hiding it with his friends, but not with you. You can be surprisingly cheerful-looking when you're utterly dead inside. I did standup comedy - a few sets, did alright, not well enough to want to go on with it - when I was at my utter lowest.

Talk to him when he's not down, though, and try and convince him that a. letting his illness hurt you is Not On if he can at all avoid it and b. withdrawing from his closest support is not the smartest move he could be making. There's not a lot you can do from the outside except remind him that the feeling of depression isn't a true emotion but an illusion generated by illness, though. And get yourself a small, pointy stick to prod him along to appointments, regular medication reviews and so forth. Depressive illness doesn't want to be treated and tries to keep the sufferer away from medical help.

How's it going, blueraincoat ?