Why now after all this time?

[Onwhitehorses]

Have NC'd for this.

We were talking at work today about childbirth. Well, to be more accurate, the others were. It suddenly felt too much for me and I didnt feel able to share my experiences.

They were talking about themselves and their partners during pregnancy and the birth - it wasnt all positive stuff in fact far from it, but all of a sudden I suddenly felt really cheated out of something.

DV started when I was 9 weeks pregnant and a couple of nights I was so scared that I hid a knife under my pillow. Just in case.

Hyperemesis set in very early on and continued until DD was born. The birth itself was horrible, I found it shocking, it was a ventouse birth and there was some debate over whether DD had been hypoxic (luckily not as it transpired).

It was all just so abnormal, joyless, stressful and scary. I thought it was all sorted in my head now. But that conversation today triggered off what feels almost like grief, its so strange. Caught a bit of a birth on TV tonight and you could see how much the baby meant to that couple. I never had that (sorry this all sounds so self indulgent).

Why now? DD is now an adult and I'm happily remarried. I've had lots of conversations about childbirth before and they have never affected me. All these years on it suddenly feels really raw again. Its not depression, am lucky enough not to suffer with that.

Has anyone else had something like this sneak up on them unexpectedly after years and years?

Yes. I don't think there is a time limit on trauma. My experience of an abusive relationship was nothing like as bad as yours and the thing that triggered a particularly acute memory many years later was a very specific image in a TV drama. Difficult to explain but the image sort of 'unlocked' certain feelings which contrasted so severely with the present day that I think it made me angry/upset on behalf of the person I used to be. I was angry and upset that the 'old me' ever felt she had to put up with it. Don't know if that makes any sense

Mine wasn't trauma as such, but grief.

My parents and brother were killed 12 years ago last week.

A few months ago I was watching TV and the womans father died. She was in her fifties and I remember getting irrationally angry at her.

How dare she be upset he died? She had him for over fifty years, why did I only have mine for 14?

I was shocked at how hard it hit me. After 12 years I expected to be 'over' it.

Thing is, emotions aren't so keen on logic. They don't follow set rules, guidelines or timeframes. They just blindside you and we just have to cope with it the best we can when they do.

I don't really have a point here, except to say don't feel silly or like you're over reacting or anything like that. With trauma and grief and emotions there is no such thing as 'normal'.