Do families ever acknowlege that we've changed?

[WideWebWitch]

My mother has just commented that "Goodness, it's unusual to see you cooking on a regular basis: you never used to" (she clarified that she was referring to 2 years ago).

Now, I didn't used to be very domesticated but in the last FOUR years (since ds in other words) I've found that I'm really interested in nutrition and cooking and enjoy preparing food. I mean, I read cookbooks for fun even when I'm not looking for a specific recipe! I'm not a Domestic Goddess or anything, but I can cook, well, and I enjoy it and this is sort of how I see myself. (Good cook, fairly domesticated, reasonably calm most of the time)

This comment made me wonder whether families ever 'let' their members evolve and move on...or do they always see us as we were when we were horrid teenagers/irresponsible twentysomethings etc? The same thing happens with my siblings - they will make comments like "oh well, you wouldn't be interested in xyz though, would you?" and I sometimes think "yes I would, blimey, you don't really know me at all!" They seem stuck in their past memories of me while I have moved on and changed irrevocably since becoming a parent (they are not parents).

I wonder whether a) I have changed but no-one in the family has noticed and/or b) having ds kind of obliterated the old me and left no space in my memory for the person I used to be?

Am I alone in this? And how do you cope with it? I wasn't hugely offended by my mum's comment, which wasn't meant unkindly, but I was perturbed I suppose. This colours my relationship with my sisters since they always seem to expect me to be the old me (especially all the negative bits), although friends have noted that I have mellowed and changed since having ds. Is this an inevitable part of being a member of a family?

No, you are not alone! I think you hit it right on the head about being allowed to evolve and discover new skills, and strengthen ourselves, etc. That can be very tough for families to accept - even when they see it happening in their own lives! It is as though people who are of no relation to you see your strengths/personality better than family! I have found in particular with one of my sisters - that she sees me as the little sis she can tell what to do, and I will always look up to her.

Example - questioning my decision to b/f my dd for a year because she didn't with hers - really getting in my face about it and saying how she goes by her own guidelines and no-one elses, and demanding I explain why... She wouldflip if I questioned any of her actions. As my older sister, she is apparently beyond reproach.

This one really got to me - we've recently moved, and on moving day rented a U-Haul, had tons of friends come by to help - we were moved in a matter of hours. I took care of dd and they put things where I asked - wonderful help. She was amazed when I told her - could not understand how I had people in my life that would pitch in, and really questioned me on what I had done to deserve that. I think she actually said "why would they do that for you?"

At my baby shower and dd's christening last year, my family (mom and 2 sis) just kept saying over and over how impressed they were with friends/life I've built, etc.

I will say that my mom and oldest sister do now see me in a different light, which is nice. I think with sis#2 it is more about her than me - her comfort zone is in me being the totally irresponsible flighty one - and that just isn't the case anymore. And now I have entered her zone - motherhood - and I am making my own decisions - even tho I value her input on many things. Pisses her off maybe.

Doesn't it make you crazy? I do think often it is inevitable - I have talked to friends about this. And not living close to each other I think adds to it - are you living near your family?

I think that my mum still has the image of me when I left home for university, it being the last time that I lived there (10 years ago). She still seems surprised some times that I can keep it all together and that I have a baby in tow (not in a bad way - just how has this happened, she's not little any more!). Maybe it is a distance thing?

harrysmum, you may be right, if you don't see your family regularly then they don't see the daily fabric of your life and accept that this may now be very different. Mine all live 250 miles or more away from me so we only talk on the phone most of the time.

My siblings still manage to find time in their busy lives to critisise my parenting though, so that's nice! I must say that I'm looking forward to them having children so that they understand it (wicked laugh) but perhaps I will then watch them change too, in a nice way.

Maybe being the eldest (as I am) means that you generally go through these transitions first. Ho hum.

And hi Star, I did use a pseudonym for this thread since there's the remotest possibility my mum could read it, but I was wasn't/am not Lisav!

We've lived over 500 miles from our family for the past 20 years and really, we find visiting quite difficult these days. Although I made strenuous efforts to keep in touch (cos we were the ones that moved away etc) there was little response and we know almost nothing of each other's day-to-day lives. We're not on bad terms, and we're aware of the bare bones of each other lives but there's very little meeting of minds now, hence nothing much to talk about when we get together once a year. We're about to move even further away so I guess the next step will be the Round Robin at Christmas, to keep in touch!

Too true witchy!
I am from a largish family and each of us was labeled at around age four and the labels have stuck. Nothing nasty or anything. It is more amusing than annoying.