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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please read.. Am I Over reacting about how my mum is being?

6 replies

HealthyLittleMunchkin · 29/10/2013 14:38

I honestly don't know where to start.

I don't want to paint a horrible picture of my mum, she used to be amazing and I used to look up to her and see her as my role model. A single mum of 9 can't be easy but she always pulled through. The past 2 years she has got quite bad.. The youngest are 9 and twins age 6, I've always helped her with them, but it's got to the point where I do nearly everything for them. She works 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours at night which isn't the best as it means my younger brother 14 is left looking after the kids until she gets back from her night work, which means he spends every night at home instead of out with his friends.. My mum doesn't really appreciate it either she always comes home and finds something to complain about (I don't stay at home every night). When I'm home weekends she goes out, without the kids. One month she went out every weekend and left me with the kids.

Anyway she now has now started dating, she goes out most weekends dating. She found a man she likes (Its nice to see her happy) but every spare time she gets she goes and sees him. Its now the holidays and I'm behind on my coursework (last year of college) but I'm busy looking after my siblings because she's now out meeting the new man. The only plan she has with the kids is Friday for a couple of hours and that taking them out to see a friend. In the summer I spent nearly everyday with them and spent my OWN money taking them out. I asked her to come to the park with us to feed the ducks this weekend but she had "no petrol".. She then went out to meet her man in her car 2 hours later, I confronted her about this today and she said "I know I'm doing wrong" and then laughed and has just gone and met him again.

The thing is I'm 11 weeks pregnant and I'm high risk due to previous early and late losses. It's stressing me out, I'm normally a distinction student but since all this has started I can't even manage a pass. Me and my partner are looking at buying our own place away and it scares me because I don't know what will happen with the kids when I'm not around, it even scares my partner. It's gotten that bad that the kids tell my mum that me and my partner are their favourite and she's number two. I also have to do all there homework with them because "she doesn't have time". When we argue she always brings up how they are her kids, even though she's the one that always leaves me with them...

Sorry for it being so long.. What can I do? I have my own life and I don't feel like I can talk to her because she can me so immature when confronted! I'm desperate now... It needs sorting.

OP posts:
CrazyCatLady13 · 29/10/2013 14:43

Bumping in the hope that someone more useful will come along!

She won't start to look after her kids herself until she HAS to - sounds like she's quite happy to use you for childcare, even at the risk to your own health.

I think it's time to put yourself first. Can you slowly withdraw your childcare / help to her? That way, it's not too much of a shock and allows her to take over.

I think moving away sounds like the best thing for you and your baby.

HealthyLittleMunchkin · 29/10/2013 14:48

We won't be moving away for another 6 months yet in the process of saving up. I don't even think she will stand up to her mark as mum if I left she will then rely on my younger brother and I don't think he is responsible enough to look after them. She won't quit her night job to find work during school hours because she likes her job.. Surely your kids come first?

Its putting a strain on me and my partner too, he loves them and he's the main role model to them but the only time I see him is weekends and then we're too busy looking after my siblings. I just feel there is nothing I can say or do to make her change sad

OP posts:
LookingThroughTheFog · 29/10/2013 14:50

Healthy, I really don't think that anybody can change another person. You can influence and encourage, but if the person themself doesn't' want to change, then they won't.

I honestly don't know what to suggest, apart from to reiterate over and over that her behaviour is not your fault, and she is not your responsibility.

Xenadog · 29/10/2013 15:16

OP I think you need to stop being so available for your mum to use you as a baby sitter. I suggest you focus upon your studies and your baby so this means trips to the library to work in peace and seeing your DP as and when it suits the pair of you - not when you looking after the little ones. You must be feeling tired as well at this stage so make sure you are getting your rest.

As for your mum, I think you need top it her down and tell her that you can only do so much now and she has to step up to the mark. It is then down to her what's she does then. Make sure your DP supports you through all of this as well.

BlackDaisies · 30/10/2013 08:47

You really need support with this. I would speak to a professional to find out what support is out there. Maybe make an appointment to speak with someone from your siblings school, or your doctor maybe. They should be able to point you in the right direction in getting help for your family.

CogitoEerilySpooky · 30/10/2013 09:16

Is your mum a widow?

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