Not sure if this is what I want forever :(

[daisydoo222]

I've been with DP for 4 years, we have a 14 month old baby together and he's also taken on my son who was only 5 months old when we met, he treats him pretty much as his own.
We've been engaged for about 18 months and now we've finally decided on a venue and date for our wedding. I have the contract ready to sign but now I seem to be stalling and now I've started wondering if this is really what I want forever.

He is a lovely man, he's kind, he would never intentionally hurt me, he's gentle, polite, very very loyal and an excellent father.

BUT, he does also have his faults.
He smokes which I don't like and he's always saying that he's going to give up, he tries but then something will happen and he starts again.
He drinks too much, every night he will have 2-4 cans of beer. I have hardly known him to ever have a non-alcoholic drink in the evenings when he gets home from work. But what bothers me the most is that I have raised the issue with him several times and he just seems so reluctant to stop it, I discussed it with him last night and he seemed to go all sulky, it reminded me of a petulant child. I'm worried about whether we can even afford our wedding because he's spending hundreds of pounds every month on cigarettes and alcohol. When I think about my future I want to grow old with us sitting having a cup of tea together, not always drinking alcohol.

The other thing that really bugs me is his lack of enthusiasm for things. He is a fantastic father but he rarely just gets really silly, he rarely suggests doing anything or going anywhere. I long for the day when he'll say something like "oh what a lovely day, shall we go for a walk?". Do any men do that?
We went on a big family holiday abroad this year with my mum and other family members and my mum said that he just seems to mope around all week, and he does. I find myself getting jealous when I see Dads getting silly with their kids, getting involved at kid's birthday parties, bouncing on bouncy castles with them etc.

I do love him but I'm not crazy in love with him anymore. I feel like we could end up being one of those couples who plods along for the sake of the kids, but I don't feel like things are THAT bad that we need to split up at the moment.

I know I couldn't go through a break up cos I don't feel it's come to that, I want us to work because I do love him and I want my kids to have a stable family.
But then there's a part of me that wonders if there's something better out there? If this is what I really want for the rest of my life?
Am I asking for too much? Are couples really ever as happy as they sometimes appear? Is there always compromises to make in relationships? I don't know if I'm just longing for some perfect relationship and the perfect partner that doesn't really exist?

Postponing any wedding plans looks necessary. And talking to each other more? His habits are his to change, you can't make him, and putting pressure on, ime, is counter productive.

Do you like him? Do you do stuff together that you enjoy?

Oh and I think silliness is overrated. Very easy to be the occasional fun parent

He sounds dependant in alcohol & that makes you lose enthusiasm for other things :(

If you're not sure, don't do it. Life is long and being married to an alcoholic is not fun. Only you can decide if you want to break up with him or not, but if I was you I wouldn't be walking down the aisle with a man I felt so ambivalent about. Particularly not one with a drink problem.

"I feel like we could end up being one of those couples who plods along for the sake of the kids"

But are you at heart really doing this already?.

Why are you really together now?. If you did not have two children would you be together now?.

His lack of enthusiasm for anything is worrying quite apart from the amount he drinks per week.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

What do YOU feel about him when you look at him?.

Well he's not going to stop drinking or smoking... If you don't want to grow old with that then you need to rethink... Do you really want an alcohol dependent partner?

there's happy and there's content :)

I would not stay with someone who drinks that much and/or smokes

so for him the world doesn't have to change because spending with him 4 years convinced him you are OK with it

it would take a lot on his side to change to give up both and stay awya from it

if he drinks daily he is probably unable to unwind and socialise without both and that would be the hardest thing to change - unlearn and learn new habits

so you need to think what you want to say to him, because like with any addiction if you say A then you need to say B as well

would you leave him, what if you did, practicalities etc
so lots of thinking on your side

Perfection is not possible because human beings are imperfect. All relationships involve compromises but, if you're compromising on important stuff and it's not making you happy as a result, then you're probably not in a good relationship. IME it's the 'endearing little habits' and the small stuff that niggles you about someone in the early days that will have you wanting to brain them with a pick-axe a few years down the track.

Really by posting you already know the answer. I left my DF not because there was anything painfully wrong but more so because it just wasn't right. In saying that, there were no kids involved and if he is pretty much Dad to both of your DC you have more motivation to want it to work.

I don't think that there's such thing as a perfect relationship - all of us bicker but you should still enjoy each others company and have your spark. DH and I are no longer in the crazy in love stage as life kind of gets in the way (poo discussion anyone?) but we still want to spend time together and enjoy each other.

In your frame of mind, I wouldn't be rushing into wedding planning but just try to enjoy him more? More 'date nights' if you can get them and try to encourage no booze on Monday - Thursday or something like that.

I hope you work it out. x

Your post reminds me so much of my life over 20 years ago. My husband took on my little boy when he was 6 months old then I went on to have another son to him and we married. He drank on evenings too not too much at first but gradually it got worse.

I wish now I had listened to those alarm bells in my head that often went off it would have saved me from 20 years of mostly an unhappy marriage. We have been separated for 2 years now the final straw was he lost his job because of drink driving then we had to sell our house. I tried the only drink on certain nights but eventually it crept up to every night there would always be something to celebrate or commiserate too sad thing was I developed post natal depression then lost my mam 4 years in to the relationship and ended up drinking with him for the next 16 years which suited him but destroyed my soul.

Hope you are braver and stronger than I was. Maybe things will be different for you but this is 1 of the most important decisions of your life. Sorry to sound so depressing and good luck x

Thank you so much for your replies. I do really have a lot of thinking to do.
Just to explain a little more about our relationship...we did split up after being together for about 6 months for about 6 months but we remained friends, I dated other people but then realised what a fool I had been letting such a lovely man go, we got back together and things were much different than they had been, both our hearts were in it 100%, we were both head over heels in love with each other and I ended up pregnant (not planned, but not a shock either!)

I do love him and I also like him, in fact recently I have started a new job working during the evenings and at weekends and I really miss him whilst I'm at work, a song will come on the radio that reminds me of him and I get a gush of love and I can't wait to get home to see him.

I did/do suffer with post-natal depression, it was very very bad when DD was a couple of months old, I was suicidal and couldn't even stand to be in the same room as my baby. It was truly horrendous and DP was an absolute star through it all, he didn't understand what was happening to me but he stuck by me and supported me. TBH I don't think I could have done what he did and put up with the sh*t that I gave him whilst I was poorly.
I'm still not 100% better and it's hard to know if how I'm feeling about him is my depression or if it's my genuine feelings or even whether my low mood is because I'm not happy with him. I suppose that's the biggest question I need to answer.

I would say that I am content, I do have days when I think my family is lovely and I'm so lucky to have DP and my kids etc, but when I look in to my future I just don't know if this is enough to last us forever.

The drinking does really bother me, and the smoking too, it's something that will come up and then it's not discussed again for months and then I'll get annoyed about it again.
I won't lie, I like a drink too, and probably if it wasn't so expensive and if it didn't cause me to put on weight and if it didn't make me tired and lethargic I would probably drink most nights too. There has been periods in my life when I have felt like I wanted/needed a drink every night too, I wouldn't say I depended on it, but it definitely became a habit and I didn't really want to give it up. But this isn't just a phase he's going through and like I was saying to him last night, we're proper grown ups now, we're not 21 and just moved out of our parent's house sanying 'ooo i'm going to drink every night now just because I can'. We're supposed to be serious adults sitting down with a brew with our slippers on discussing politics and doing a crossword. That's what I want!

I do really think that the alcohol affects his mood, I think he'd have more life in him if he didn't drink so much. I know I certainly feel better when I've reduced my alcohol intake.

I also think I would fancy him more if he was to stop smoking and drinking so much. Honestly he sometimes smells vile and it really puts me off him, I don't like kissing him a lot of the time and I'm sure the smell of tobacco even seeps from his pours, is that even possible?

Please take it from someone who married an (alleged) ex-smoker who 'liked a few drinks' that these are not trivial matters that you should overlook for the sake of love. Smokers are a determined bunch and if 'THESE WILL DEFINITELY KILL YOU' on a packet doesn't put them off, you saying 'I don't like kissing you' is going to have zero impact. Alcohol also has a powerful pull and, if he doesn't see the cost or the way it affects his behaviour as a problem, he's simply not going to stop.

If you're thinking you can marry this 90% OK man and then somehow the other 10% will magically get better because you love him, or that you'll be able to put up with the stink and the bad moods etc... I think, sorry to say, that you're going to be seriously disappointed.

I know, you're right, everyone is right, but is it enough of a reason to break up our family and leave 2 kids from a broken home? Our relationship isn't perfect but the kids are happy, we rarely argue and when we do it's never in front of the kids.
I was from a broken home and was brought up by my mum and all I've ever wanted is to have a 'normal' family and the last thing I want is for my kids to have the childhood that I had - not that it was a particularly bad one, but I always just longed for that normal family.

I know this is all my fault having babies when I shouldn't have, I wish I had done things differently but if I did I wouldn't have had the amazing children I have, so I don't regret having them, I just wish I'd had them under different circumstances.

If we were to split I would probably have to give up my job, I work 2 evenings and all day Saturday so I rely on him to have the children when I work, if we split he'd move in to his Mum's house and he could look after our daughter there but then what about my son? If we split I couldn't expect him to have my son 3 nights of the week and I'd hate to have to rely on my Mum to help me that much either.
It's just all things I need to take in to account when weighing up my options.

I think I'd hold off on marriage. You say you love him but not crazy in love with him anymore which is worrying if you're making wedding plans.

We're supposed to be serious adults sitting down with a brew with our slippers on discussing politics and doing a crossword. That's what I want!

But you want some enthusiasm and for him to take the initiative so if he's like this now I wonder if he'll regain any spark he presumably had when you first met. It's lovely that he's a good dad to both DCs, in fact he sounds more of a Dad figure all round than your DP if that makes sense.

He was great during your lowest point and you'll always remember that and you'll need to keep in touch because of DD but you can't wed him because you're grateful.

You don't have to split, just don't get in any deeper by marrying him.
You are not ready and that is OK. Maybe one day you will, maybe in a year you will want to kill him with his can of Stella
You have the luxury of time.

Why don't you tell him you'll marry him when he's stopped smoking and drinking for a full year? His response should be telling.

I agree, you need to talk to him.

And test him, give these up for me or I can't marry you. Doesn't have to go tee total but tell him mon-fri you want a sober smoke free DF to be a family man and paying more attention to his family matters rather than his relaxing techniques. If he doesn't you don't have to break up just yet but certainly don't marry him