The guilt is really kicking in. Feel so awful for DD and her 'broken' home.

[suspiciousmind29]

Hi

So me and DD's (7) dad, were together for 10 years, but broke up just over a year a go. I am now with someone else and am very happy. Me and my ex had a very turbulent and volatile relationship. We kept trying for the sake of our DD and for a while it kind of worked. However, towards the end I realised that I just didn't love him the way I should and am actually now with a woman, although that doesn't really have anything to do with me leaving him iyswim. It was who he was/is that was the problem, not the fact he is a man.

Ok, I say I'm very happy with my new dp and I am. I'm head over heels and DD loves her to pieces and the feeling is mutual. However, recently I can't seem to just let go and enjoy my new relationship as much as I should be. I've never been with someone I've been this compatible with and feel as though completes me (sorry for the soppy overdrive) so it's so frustrating that these feelings of guilt are almost ruining, what should be, a very happy time.

It's not that DD seems suddenly unhappy, I suppose it's more that I'm just seeing things differently. I always felt bad for her, that her parents weren't together anymore, but I think I just told myself that parents split up all the time and that as long as we're all on the same page and are amicable, she'll come through this undamaged. I don't feel that way anymore. I feel so unbearably sad for her.

I'm not from a broken home. Although my parents weren't perfect for one another, I felt very loved and perhaps more importantly, I felt secure. I know DD feels loved, but I'm terrified she doesn't feel secure and for that, I feel incredible guilt.

There's part of me that thinks I should have just accepted my feelings, or lack of, for her dad and carried on. I wasn't completely miserable, I suppose I could have carried on, but I was far from happy and DD was seeing us argue a fair bit towards the end, which I'm really ashamed of.

I think DD and her dad have a better relationship now tbh, but when I send her off with her little bag to stay with him, it completely breaks my heart, even though, I know we just don't work as a couple. It doesn't help that my ex has made it clear that he wants me back.

I'm assuming these are normal feelings to be having, but it's completely taking over. My dp is starting to worry that I may be having second thoughts because I'm so upset a fair bit of the time, but it's honestly not that and I have told her that it's nothing to do with that. It's just that I feel this overwhelming guilt that I haven't given my DD what I had. I feel as though I've failed her.

Can anybody relate to this? Does it get better?

I think a bit of doubt is normal with any choice that affects children. But the fact that it's taking over your life is a cause for concern. From what you describe, nothing you say makes me think your DD is suffering in any way. She's happy at home, has a good relationship with you, DP and her father. So given that she's happy and appears to be quite secure I suspect your real doubts are to do more with yourself and your own insecurities. You don't think you deserve happiness and only you know why that is.

Stop calling it a broken home for a start! My home was much more broken with XH in it. My DS's home is with me, and it's not broken at all!
As long as she's got you she will be secure. Stop fretting.

Your home isn't broken. It's fixed. It was broken before.

Cogito, seriously never thought about it like that. Maybe I don't feel like I deserve to be happy. I don't know. I definitely have insecurities, yes. Me and ex kind of grew up together in a way. We met when I was 18 and tbf, I knew from quite early on that we weren't right for one another, but I kept telling myself that the fairy tale doesn't exist etc and just kind of got on with it. Stupid, I know.

AF, I know what you're saying. Not really a nice phrase. I wish I could stop fretting, but I'm so worried that one day she'll hate me for it.

I think I'm guilt ridden generally atm. I feel a lot of guilt for leaving my ex alone and depressed. He tells me how miserable he is without me and can't bear the fact that we're not a family anymore. I know I'm not responsible for our breakup, but it was me who made the decision and sometimes I feel like I've completely destroyed him.

I think you'd probably benefit from some counselling. Guilt is very corrosive.

I agree, your home isn't broken. It's altered. If you bought a dress that didn't fit, and then took it apart and rejigged it, it wouldn't be broken, it would be altered and fit better. Bad metaphor but it's the same thing. Family isn't just two parents and kids under one roof. Your ex is still family, you're just not a couple anymore.

Family is the people you love, not the physical house in which you reside. Also, society is changing, I think more kids live in homes that are not the 'two parents, kids, one house' model than those who do.

If your relationship with your ex was volatile, and the relationship with your new partner is calm and loving, it sounds like a really bad idea to go back to the first for the sake of some idealistic view of family that, for lots of people, just doesn't work so well. Guilt gives nothing and solves nothing. Enjoy your new relationship, keep your dd's relationship with her dad as good as possible and there's your ingredients for a happier life.

I think staying with your DD's dad would not necessarily have made her feel more secure. If your relationship was clearly unhappy, then splitting up may have seemed like a constant threat. It sounds like your DD is happy, so perhaps there is just a part of you that wants to be with your ex.

Interesting that you said your ex is still giving you grief about the break up now. That is out of order and is clouding your vision - you aren't responsible for this man.

How would you feel if he met someone else & was perfectly happy? Would that change things?

Dismembered, thanks for your post. Made a lot of sense.

Morty, no, I don't want to be back with my ex, but I guess I am kind of grieving for that 'perfect' family life. I know that sounds ridiculous cos overall, I think we're both much happier. I do feel very sorry for my ex though and I know he isn't happy really at all. He says he's got nothing now and that he'd do anything and change anything for me to give us another go. There's nothing he can do, but it's horrible to see him literally begging, even now. It's not constant, but it's not that seldom either.

Head, he is in another relationship, but as I say, he's not perfectly happy. I think he's just using her so that he's not completely alone tbf, so I also feel quite sorry for her, as I think it sounds as though she's very keen to really make a go of it.

You say you are grieving for that 'perfect' family life, but did you ever have that? If you are happier now and your DD is happy, isn't that an improvement? Does your DP know about your ex? I agree with head that after a year, it is out of order for him to be making you feel guilty.

Morty, good point. I actually meant to put that I was grieving for the perfect family life which I never actually had. That's what I desperately wanted and naively thought that maybe one day, we'd be suited and we'd have the happily ever after fairy tale. Evidently, that didn't happen.

My DP knows about my ex, yeah. It obviously makes her very uncomfortable and tbf, she doesn't have any time for him. She certainly doesn't have any sympathy for him, which is understandable. I don't think his intention is to make me feel guilty, but yeah, it's making it hard for me to just move on properly when he keeps telling me how miserable he is. It's not fair, but what can I do?

I would say that his intention is to make you feel guilty. Why else would he be telling you this? He feels miserable etc without you, so you should feel bad about this and take him back, forgetting about your own happiness. How do you respond when he says these things to you?

Maybe. Well in the beginning I suppose I was sympathetic and would tell him things like, it will get better with time, he knows really that we're not right for one another etc and then it kind of stopped. Recently though, it's started up again and so I don't really know how to respond. I did tell him that DP is aware of his feelings at that it's upsetting her, but he still kind of sees her as the enemy and so, as you can imagine, that doesn't really deter him. In a way, I still think he thinks we're together in a warped kind of way. He text me last night to tell me that he loved me still and always would. I didn't respond and whereas I've been very open and honest with DP about his other comments and even some advances, I haven't told her this as I think she would probably confront him, which would be fair enough, but I don't want any more drama. She thinks I should tell his new gf, which I have to admit, I have been tempted to do. It's not fair on her.

I can understand you being sympathetic in the beginning, but if you think it could be damaging your relationship with your DP, then I think you need to take a hard approach as this could push her away. Personally, I think you should be honest with your DP and again let him know that you have been. This way you make it clear that you and DP are a team and you won't keep secrets. Can you ask your DP not to confront him?

morty, I agree. I'm sure I will end up telling her, because we are a team and I hate the idea of us keeping anything from one another. I have asked her before not to confront him as she was on her way to. But there's only so many times I can ask her to do that. It's taking the piss tbh. She's in such an awkward position and so I feel guilt for that too. God it's all so messed up!