more doubts - help, please

[pregnancywithouthim]

Hello.

The last thread I started on this got a little bit heated - please be understanding, I still feel so fragile.

I am mid-thirties, and I had resigned myself to being single until I met a man last year. He is not from the UK. I thought it was love but obviously not. I found out I was pregnant in September - he left, saying he wasn't ready for "all that." He wasn't answering the phone and I think, although I don't know for sure, he's gone back to his home country.

I seriously considered terminating the pregnancy (this was what my last thread was about) - am now 8 weeks, I still could. I have been very ill and depressed.

Just spoke to the midwife and she was horrible. Really brusque and rude and off, I was only arranging our first visit but she just about bit my head off and then made me feel like a nuisance because I didn't know where I wanted to give birth. I have never been pregnant before and I didn't know I got a choice, I thought you just went to your nearest hospital. She said "well you'd better decide by next week."

It's not so much that, it's more I know I'm going to be looked down on and sneered by professionals for being a single mum, even though it isn't my choice and isn't my fault, I don't know what to put on the birth certificate or what to tell the child. I have been so ill and I am back to wondering again if I can cope.

Can anybody help?

You won't be sneered at by professionals. You met a rude midwife - they exist. I've been a single mum since birth and had nothing but polite treatment. However, I took the view that I am a fantastic person for wanting to bringing a child into the world single-handed, that I am in no way 'at fault' for doing so and I expect to be treated with respect by everyone I come into contact with. When your baby arrives you'll need to take the same assertive attitude so start as you mean to go on. No more feeling meek or guilty. You are the parent that stayed

Hold your head high, call back the midwife team and tell her you don't like the way you were spoken to. Good luck

BTW what you put on the birth certificate (assuming your ex won't participate) is 'father unknown'. What you tell your baby in due course - should they ever get around to asking - is the truth i.e their father was too immature to take responsibility but you wanted them very much.

Hello, I was in a similar situation, I was very upset and confused at the beginning of my pregnancy, it's normal to feel doubts. I found some midwives really unsympathetic but mainly I think that was because they are busy and some of them don't have a good bedside manner.

As my pregnancy progressed I found the professionals easier to deal with. I suffered from ante natal depression and was put in the care of a specialist midwife who was amazing. Do tell them if you are struggling with your situation at any point.

As a final note, I was given a c section for mental health reasons and my health visitor wrote 'for social reasons' on my notes, but by that point I was past caring what anyone else thought. You will always get some snooty people but really single parents from birth are much more common these days.

People won't look down on you for being a single mother. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

Women have been having babies without input from their fathers for millennia, and coping perfectly well too :)

Don't let fear of what other people think have any part of your decision about your pregnancy.

I'm not sure how unsure you are about having this baby, it kind of sounds to me like you want to have it but are scared.

Which is totally OK if that's how you feel, but I don't want to pressure you into having the baby if that's not what you want.

Rude midwives are generally rude to everyone so please don't read more into it than that. The same as rude checkout staff are rude to everyone, rude bank celrks are rude to everyone...

Some people are just rude for whatever reason. Please don't take it personally (easier said than done I know!)

I too am a lone parent (much prefer that term of phrase) I was lucky enough to have the one midwife throughout my pregnancy & she was lovely. (A bit nosey) but I felt it helped that she knew the full history as to why I was alone. She was very supportive & never judgemental. Nor were anyone in the antenatal or postnatal wards.
In fact you sound much like me .. I am my harshest judge even still when ds is 21 months!!

Incidentally the bc if the dad doesn't want to be on it is left blank, they no longer put 'father unknown'.

It's just so difficult.

I know no one can tell me what to do but I've never felt more alone in my life. It's made me realise quite starkly what my life would be like as a lone parent. Revolving endlessly around a child and a child's needs - no let up, no break, no help. If I hate it, I can't put the child back. I'd have to go through scans, antenatal appointments and childbirth completely alone and then the early days with a new baby, alone, toddler, small child, teenager - no one to share the ups and downs with.

It's so hard and overwhelming, I don't know what to do.

You're focusing on all the negatives. Your life is going to be revolving around a child but, in turn, that child will think you are the best thing on the planet. You'll be up all night in the first few months but, once the fog clears, you can really start enjoying yourself. For 'no help' read 'no interference' and, trust me, that's something you don't appreciate until other people start whining on about their feckless partners, horrid in-laws, busybody parents etc. You can raise this child and live your life entirely on your terms. No compromises

For ante-natals and childbirth I recruited my best friend... and looking around the maternity unit at some of the limp biscuit 'DPs' and 'DHs' that other women had brought with them, I think I made a smart choice. Remember one new Dad having to be dragged from the TV room to attend the birth and complaining like hell because he wanted to see how the match ended...

Please don't let one snotty cow of a midwife crush your enthusiasm.

I'm not sure I had much enthusiasm to start with Cognito - thanks, though! I've made an appointment with the doctor for later to talk through my options.

I know what you're saying about the DPs and so on its just so much and I'm so alone and frightened.

Midwives aren't saints, there are lovely empathetic ones and dragons, just give as good as you get.

It is nobody's business how you come to be pregnant and potentially a lone parent. This is 2013, you live in the UK I take it, are in your mid 30s and if you want to have a baby solo then that is perfectly acceptable. I would hope a professional would deal with you fairly and respectfully. Don't give anyone the impression you are ashamed or embarrassed. Who has the right to judge anyone else?

I'm sorry you've not been well. Is that pregnancy related? You may be going off favourite drinks or foodstuffs, even particular smells. You may find it easier to have smaller portions of food more often throughout the day rather than regular bigger meals. Little snacks in your bag to graze on can help - dried fruit or crisps. Don't get dehydrated. Try and eat something even just a biscuit as soon as you wake up to take the edge off any nausea.

I didn't read your last thread so forgive me, have you had any counselling?

Are you near family or friends? Did you love your life before being pregnant? Lots of questions to consider.

BPAS also offer counselling, my GP was rubbish about talking things through.

No family. Friends very busy. No counselling.

I really, really don't think I want this, not like this, not right now.

Does that make me terrible? I've spent the day in turmoil.

Not wanting this does NOT make you terrible. You need to evaluate what you can handle and make your own decisions. But be sure you get information first - I think the appointment with your doctor sounds like a great idea!! Start writing your concerns down now, so you can really get everything discussed when you go. And I wish you well no matter what you decide and do.

Any decision you take will be the right one for you. It's your life. Going back to before you met that man, was life good? Did you like how things were? Anyone who says having a baby won't affect their life, won't change things, is in denial. Change isn't always good, but it can on occasions be life-affirming, positive. Some of the best mothers I have known were never the clucky, baby-obsessed types. If you want children is this your last opportunity?

If you don't want to continue, no-one would judge you. But do try to talk to people IRL. Busy friends would be very upset if they knew you were going through this alone and didn't pick up the phone.

I really don't want to involve friends, thanks though.

Donkeys, not really lol, but mainly because my life is despite my best efforts otherwise very lonely. I have friends but they are all married with their own children so weekends/holidays are often very empty, despondent sort of times.

It isn't quite my last opportunity, I'm 33, but I can't see me meeting anyone now. Mind you I also think I definitely won't with a baby, hard to say.

If this is not right for you at the moment, then it isn't.
You spoke about your fears of the duties of lone parenthood and honestly, they are quite realistic. If you do not want that, don't do it. There is absolutely no shame. A perfectly legal and sound decision to make.

I'm a lone parent and sometimes think I make it easier than it really is. I'd never ever judge anyone for making a different decision.

How do you mean, mcmoon?

I wish I could decide one way or another what I wanted, someone said on my last thread there wasn't a "right" or "wrong" decision, just a decision.

One thing that does haunt me is that I DO want children, I just don't want a child now, like this. But does that make me terrible? Should I just accept what I've been given, in a sense? It feels almost as if I'm rejecting the child on the basis of circumstances that aren't its fault.

Please ask your GP to refer you to a counsellor. Many, many women have been in your position. Some have continued with the pregnancy, some have not. No blame, no shame, either way.

But you need to talk to someone who can ask you the right questions to help you see what is right for you.

I was married when I had DC1 so I am looking at this from a different perspective. I'm being honest, even partnered up with family not far away, I still didn't think it was a walk in the park. However as wise posters here will tell you, it is possible to be the best parent you can be, on your own; a lone parent can find support and isn't hindered by the troublesome partner some mothers are lumbered with.

If you enjoy good health I imagine at 33 there is no reason why you shouldn't conceive again.

I gather you are saying friends would be supportive if you chose to tell them, but as they have their own families perhaps if you consider termination, you'd prefer not to discuss it. It makes sense but I wish you could offload this to someone in rl who can listen.

Yes, that's correct Donkeys - I think I'd prefer, if I have a termination, for that to be it in a sense, for me and only me to know, I just think I'd deal with it better that way.

Plus if I DO go ahead with the pregnancy I would hate for anybody to know I was in two minds about keeping DC.