I am a regular poster on this board and have namechanged. I did debate whether to put this in chat just so it would disappear but I feel a bit safer on here and not quite as 'public' so thought it best to post this here.
This is an issue that I keep going over and over in my head and I just don't know what to do at all.
I will try to keep this as brief as possible. Any help or advice would be very much appreciated. Basically I am currently seeing a psychotherapist who is fantastic and she is helping me a great deal. I have had many traumatic things happen in my life including incidents when I was young and my abusive marriage amongst many others. With my therapist's help I am working my way through this stuff and I finally feel like I am getting somewhere. I have suffered with depression and anxiety over the years and with my sessions I am understanding myself a lot more and why I have these issues.
An issue has come up that I am struggling a bit with and I could really do with some perspective.
I have recently told my therapist about something that happened to me a few years ago when I was leaving my ex-h. At the time I was extremely anxious and was suffering with panic attacks and anxiety attacks and was extremely vulnerable and a bit of a mess basically. My ex had just been convicted of assaulting me and it was about a month or two after.
I am also a therapist myself and had been for about 18 months back then (I don't want to say what sort) and I had contact through a professional industry networking site with another therapist in the same industry. We spoke on the phone about something work related and got on well. I think we spoke on the phone again and he ended up coming on a night out with me and my friends and we ended up having a cuddle at the end of the night and he seemed really nice. I told him about my circumstances and anxiety and he offered to treat me as a fellow therapist for free. I was completely skint at the time and was very grateful for the offer.
He arranged for me to meet him for a session at his office. To cut a long story short at the end of the session he told me that he had thought that there was a way that I could pay him back for the therapy after all.
He then said that he wanted me to perform a sex act on him. I was completely and totally shocked and thought he must have been joking. He then said that he was totally serious. I said no that I didn't want to and he just wouldn't take no for an answer and kept on until I just did it. I feel sick and shaky just typing this even now.
I was in turmoil about it after, my head was fucked as it was and I just couldn't believe it had happened. He told me that he wanted to see me again and I actually fucking went to see him again but he didn't do anything in that session. I haven't seen him since. I have felt so much shame, humiliation and anger about this in the years since it happened. It was about 7 years ago now and have never felt strong enough to do anything about it.
So I have told my therapist about this and her reaction has brought it home to me just how wrong this was. Logically I know this. As I said before, I am also a therapist and there are just NO circumstances ever where this would ever be acceptable behaviour and I just cannot comprehend how he could have done that to me. I was so vulnerable at the time and he knew that. Despite this I suppose I blame myself for going out with him beforehand and for seeing him again after.
My therapist has spoken about me filing a complaint with his (and my) professional organisation and asked my permission to contact them. She has done this and basically she can't speak on my behalf and I need to write to them myself, stating what happened and where he has broken the code of conduct. This will then be forwarded on to him so he can then defend himself. She has also mentioned about me contacting the police and has called what happened sexual assault.
Every time I think about either of these courses of action my heart starts hammering and I feel very anxious. I'm not in the best place emotionally at the moment which is why I am having therapy in the first place. I am also pg and have been under a huge amount of stress with other issues in the present as well as processing the stuff from the past and it all feels too much. I know enough about the victim blaming culture to know that it is my word against his and I just cannot bear the thought of being called a liar and having me and my whole life held up for judgement and scrutiny. He is very successful and very prolific and on paper or the internet he comes across very well and seems like a great guy who is really good at his job.
I hate myself for being selfish though at the same time. It horrifies me that he is still allowed to practice and work with vulnerable women and I think that my therapist thinks he has done this before or since. I have always blamed myself and thought it was just me but I realise now that may not be the case.
I am tying myself up in knots over this, please help me. I just don't know what to do. I almost wish I'd not brought it up and feel so selfish for not trying to do something in case he has done it to others, but at the same time I honestly don't think I could cope with the repercussions for me if I did go to the police or make an official complaint to the professional organisation. Sorry this is so long, thank you if you managed to read it all, any advice appreciated.