Please advise me to keep out of this & that blood is definitely thicker than water....

[Feistybird]

I have a very long-standing friend with whom I was very close at one time, until our lives took different paths. We still keep in touch by phone tho' and see eachother occasionally.

For reasons I won't go into on here, she is single, in her 40s and childless. The first 2 she can deal with - the last (children) I know she finds a constant ache in her heart. She has for as long as I've known her, wanted loads of kids, but essentially she's been very unlucky in love and now she's at an age where most women find it very difficult to conceive.

I also know my friend's SIL, not really well, but we meet at a children's club most weeks. She is an immigrant has a DD (5) with her husband, my friend's brother.

The problem is my friend's relationship with the DD - she has muscled in, and calls herself the 2nd mum of this little girl. She's always at their house, goes to the DDs medical appts., school appts etc, books holidays for them all, she stays at their house over Xmas and generally has an unhealthy relationship with the DD in as much as she is really trying to play mum. This is distressing the SIL and causing major rows between her and her DH.

So, the SIL is generally pouring her heart out to me about this and says she feels like she brought her DD into the world for my friend.
Her DH, again for complicated reasons I can't divulge here, is not prepared to cut his DS out of his life - but equally recognises that she will probably never back off of her own accord.

I'm really torn - I worry that this couple will split and my friend will never see her nephew again as the mother of the DD has jokingly said that she would take her DD back to her birth country.

But I should keep out of this....right?

This is a complicated one. My initial response is that you shouldn't get involved as you could lose your friend and maybe nothing will be achieved.

But I don't understand why the SIL doesn't tell your friend to back off, couldn't she just distance herself - I'm assuming your brother works and isn't always involved in all the day-to-day stuff.

Saadia, she would never be outwardly rude - she has tried to stand up for herself in a polite way, but my friend gets over-emotional and ends up in tears to her brother (the husband) - it's putting intolerable strain on them.

It really is between the two of them. It must be horrible to be a spectator to this, but if you get involved you're going to end up alienating someone.

Difficult one.

If the SIL is moaning to you tell her not to tell (or to make mistakes) about her daughters appointments.

Tell her to book xmas away and get in and book a holiday before anything is arranged so she can say 'oh dear we have arranged to do x'.

It is really down to her and her husband to deal with this not you. I would be mega pissed off but then I would say something (-:

I meant I would say something if my sis/SIL was muscling in on my DS.

My (long-standing) friend cites her SILs slightly limited English as a reason for butting in, but it's just an excuse.

I see the anger and frustration in the mum and I see the pain of unwanted childlessness in my friend. I fear no-one will win.

How upset would you be to fall out with your long-standing friend?

If you could live with the potential upset, you might be the ideal person to sit her down & say something?

She must surely be aware that her actions are causing problems if it's causing rows between her db & sil, but has probably managed to convince herself that it's just sil being awkward (especially if her db isn't fully supporting his dw by telling his sister to BACK OFF).

A relative outsider telling her that it IS a problem might possibly be the heads-up she needs, but you would be risking the loss of her friendship.

In my opinion a true friend tells you the truth, if you can't take the truth and shoot the messenger, then you weren't true friends in the first place. Tell her, kindly.