Is lateness in family memberd rude or ok?

[Puttheshelvesup]

My MIL, who is lovely mostly but a little thoughtless, is frequently late when coming to see the dc's. She never rings to say she is running late and doesn't apologise when she arrives. She may remark upon her lateness but it's an observation and not an apology.

Today she was 20 mins late and I had rushed home from an activity specifically to be back in time for her. If she had let me know I could have relaxed a little and we could have taken our time getting back.

I have an ASC, so people not doing what they say they will, and plans being altered ladt minute sends me into a bit of a panic. I realised that it may be normal and OK for families to relax the rules with each other about this sort of thing, but I thought I should just check with some wise and objective mners before deciding what to do. Is she being rude and should I have a polite word about it, or am I being all aspie and uptight and should just let it go? TYSM

Is she's always late the don't rush

I wonder if you hadn't rushed back from your activity what she would have done

Constant lateness is soooooo rude

It just screams my time is so much more important than yours

In my experience some people are always late, others always bang on time and some like my in laws - always early. Now this drives me more potty than late but it stems from a sort of anxiety in fil, he gets very stressed if he's late so will arrive super early which in turn irritates me By the same token we have friends that are always late so I build it into the day. Try asking mil to be 15 minutes earlier then you actually want her then you both win

My PIL's are always late, my Parents are always early....

I just factor that in to any meeting with them setting the time I'll be ready with the kids half an hour earlier or later depending who I am meeting

How far does she have to come? Where I live traffic can be hellish and travelling only a small distance can be a nighmare.

I suppose in our family we are flexible and just say we will be over late afternoon or morning. We are just better at timekeeping if we are meeting in town say outside of Mars and Spencers. Who is it that suggests the exact time to arrive i.e 3pm at your house?

If it is a real issue for you try and gently explain the problems it is causing you.

Why would it be acceptable in a family member. In answer to your question, it's rude, however you are unlikely to change her, as others have suggested, allow for it in your timing.

We had friends like this. Always late for everything and not just 20 mins, more like 2 hours! We were having dinner at ours one nit and told them an hour earlier than everyone else, they were the first to arrive (still 20mins late mind you) and we weren't at all ready for them. We explained why we weren't ready and thought they'd laugh it off or being embarrassed that it was their behaviour and lateness that made us give them the wrong time, but no, they were furious!! Saying that, I would do it again.

Probably doesn't help you though op, sorry!

I'm not very good at 'precise punctuality', e.g. I find train/bus travel stressful because you have to be there on time or it will go without you! But I know what time I'm expected @ someone's house/wherever, I try to get there on time, call if I'm running more than a few mins late, apologise if I am late - and am very tolerant of being kept waiting a few mins by others as long as it doesn't mean I miss my train. Perpetually late = always in the wrong AFAICS.

Thanks for replies! Ruby, you hit the nail on the head with 'my time is more important than yours'. She will cancel coming at the last minute sometimes with the lamest of excuses. The most ridiculous was when she phoned to cancel an hour before she was due as she didn't want to interrupt her flow of concentration. She had been putting her albums onto her new iPad and wanted to finish the task. The dc's had been looking forward to her visit all day (she is lots of fun), so after a couple of minutes of brewing anger I took a deep breath and rang her back to say 'actually, this isn't on, you promised'. She agreed with me, said she would 'change her ways' and cried at me about how sorry she was. She came over and I made a point of being normal and friendly and didn't mention it again.

I could just ask her to come 20 mins earlier in order to get her here on time, but is it petty to actually point out to her that she is being rude to not let me know she is running late and ruder still in not apologising for said lateness?

20 mins to someone's house is not that bad, and as she's always late, you can relax and not be there at the exact time you agreed.
It might actually do her good to wait for you sometimes.
And you could say, as she is always late that you thought that she would be.

I hadn't thought of making her wait, maybe I will try it next time

I think your Mil is very rude. My sister is like this & it drives me insane!

Dont let the ASC distract from the fact she is rude!

Umm, I know I drive my sister to distraction with this - but then I find her completely unreasonable as she will ring to tell me I'm late when I'm only a couple of minutes late, and traveling over an hour, and sometimes up to a day, to see her. Depending on the distance travelled it can be difficult to be on time. I used to be very punctual, but since having kids I am perpetually late. It annoys me too!

I don't drive and must rely on buses - but I am never late...I find it incredibly rude if someone is. I don't care if they are family or a delivery van. it is about caring about the feelings of the person who is waiting - it is about valuing their time.

I just don't think htere is an excuse for being late - leave early. I am often waiting around because I arrive too early, but that is preferable to being late.

I also hate relying on someone else to get me places on time - they never seem to take my need to be on time as seriously as I do. I find it an anxiety filled idea to be running late. it makes me feel awful.