Has the split broken DS already?

[EllieInTheRoom]

DS is two in December. Me and his dad split two weeks ago.

DS has been mostly his normal happy self. Until we get living arrangements sorted out his dad has been coming a couple of times a week to play and put him to bed. He's seen him a similar amount to what he normally would, save half an hour or so most mornings when H used to get up to see him before he went to nursery.

The last four nights, DS has been waking in the night inconsolable and sometimes asking for daddy. Now he won't fall asleep unless I am sitting in his room. If I try walking out and then Coming back in to lie him down and leaving the room again it goes on for literally hours.

The last two nights I slept on the floor in his room.

Does this sound like a normal developmental thing or is the separation really affecting him? Or both?

When he asks for H in the day, which he often did anyway, I say daddy is at work and is going for a sleepover at grandmas but will be coming to see him soon. An I doing this right?

Any tips or thoughts? I'm currently feeling very guilty and also very tired.

I'm sorry you're going through this ellie. I left my DS's Dad when he was 3 (17 years ago now). My DS started waking in the night quite soon after we moved out and it was a constant routine of steering him gently back into his bed, this could happen a lot of times through the night.

His behaviour changed too and he was quite angry towards me and because I was trying to compensate for his Dad not being there, it got to a point where my DS was running rings around me and I was exhausted.

I actually got advice from an outside organisation and it was so useful.

When your DS asks for his Dad, why not say "it's okay, Mummy's here".

Give your DS lots of hugs, which I'm sure you do and also distractions through the day help. Before bed, I used to read to my DS, it was the same book every night and he liked the familiarity of it. 17 years on, he still remembers me reading and the cuddles, hot chocolate and crumpets we had together.

At bed time when he wakes up, try and say as little as possible so he doesn't wake up completely, let him know you're there and reassure him with a stroke of his head to calm him but try not to engage too much as this will turn into a routine for him. Does he have a low watt night light in his room? Does he have a favourite teddy that you could get him to cuddle to help him sleep? It could be his age but children are very sensitive to any small change, particularly in family life.

I wish you all the best through this difficult time.

what next has good advice.
you need to cut the guilt.
he will get used to new routine. deflect, distract, stay calm.

if co-sleeping is going to make life easier as a lone parent then do it; if you prefer to stick to routine/own room then do that. but in a way which makes life easier for you.

if dad putting him to bed is actually more unsettling (because he then thinks dad will be there when he wakes up) then have dad go before he goes to bed until dad has own place where he can stay over with him.

and yes seek advice/supprot -some gp practices have cousnelling support service especially for separated parents or there are "parenting apart" courses you and h can attend together

Great advice thank you both, I am definitely going to look into a course.

Friends and family have been quite dismissive about the affects on DS and say it must be coincidental as he is too young to know things are different. I think this is naive though and I just want to know how best to handle it.

It's interesting you both suggest deflect/distract. I have tried to do the opposite. When he asks for daddy I have tried to talk to him about where daddy is as the fact he'll be here soon. We've even made a card for daddy for ds to give him when he comes. Maybe this is dwelling on it too much and drawing attention to it??

Thanks again

I think the problem is that 'soon' for a very small child means 'in the next five minutes'. A few days is an eternity. So probably best to gloss over references to Dad until he's practically on the doorstep. Great advice above.

Is your son clear that you and daddy are no longer living together and that it will be permanent? When you say daddy is out at work, it will be natural for him to expect him to come home at the end of the day.

it might be better to say "remember, daddy is staying with nanny now until he finds his own house - but he is coming to visit us soon"

Emphasise that this is now your house - just the two of you and daddy is a visitor. I think it makes more sense than this pretence that everything is still the same. i think it is confusing.

With the sleeping thing - you might need to be a little more harsh. I suspect your'e feeling a little guilty and giving your son more attention at bedtime or when he wakes than normal. he likes it and wants more. Don't be too quick to blame this on the separation - he might just be playing you a little bit.

try being a little bit more matter of fact when attending to him.

This is all great, thank you!

Yes, what I did exactly that this afternoon and changed tack. I told him that this is mummy and his house now and daddy lives with grandma now but comes to play as much as he can. I'll stick with that from now on.

Re: being stricter, I thought that at first too and was deliberately trying not to act differently to how I normally would. If he wakes in the night, I usually go in, lie him down, say a quick "it's still night time baby" and walk out. But this went on for two hours and all through naptime the last few days. So it feels like its something more than "just a phase". But then I am looking out for it I suppose.

Am so tired, and So behind with work now after dramas of last few weeks. I just need him to sleep!!!!

yes making the card etc sounds v dramatic... like dad has gone away for ages and just coming back or it is his birthday - obviously if ds is drawing and says "this is for daddy" then put it in a box and tell him "ok this is the box where we keep things for next time you see dady"

etc-

this is now normal life so keep it normal.

dad will come in a few sleeps time. now lets play with xxxx.

save cards for high days and holidays. otherwise you will be making cards every day....

try an early evening walk to get really tired?

Ha! It does OTT but before I paint myself as total drama queen, he's very into postman pat and making letters for people. We sometimes did it when h hadn't been around much for a while because of work, so it wasn't a completely unusual gesture.

We did the walk and park thing last night and it didnt make a blind bit of difference. I'll do the same tonight. He'll give into the tiredness eventually I suppose!

At least now I know how not to emotionally scar him!

Thanks again!

A bit different because my DH was on 8 month deployment and we were not seperating but when my eldest was 21/2 I had similar waking etc in the night andf crying for Daddy. I suppose the difference for us was Daddy was never there for 9 months as opposed to being there some of the time like you. That said though - kids just dont forget because someone is not there day in day out. My DD did soon settle.

I was fairly firm and determined to stay in as good as routine as possible so I didnt make a fuss at night etc. and gave lots of hugs in the day etc. All of Whatnext074 has said rings very true and I would suggest you follow that advice if you can.

If you try and seperate the guilt as to why Daddy is not there in the same capacity he was before it may help you deal with this as sleep problem more than a "OMG, what have we/I done to our/my poor son". Like most things in childhood - this is another phase and if handled properly now - will be just a phase. Dont beat yourself up over this.

It sounds very 'supernanny' (but it was in the days before supernanny), but one thing that worked for me was sticker charts. This can work for so many different situations with toddlers but in your case the most important thing at the moment sounds like the sleeping issue.

Involve your DS in it. If he reduces the amount of times he wakes up then praise him in the morning and let him put a sticker on his chart. Toddlers respond to visuals so involving him and letting him see how well he is doing with the sleep.

Hard I know, believe me, but try not to go to him straight away when he wakes up, gradually increase the amount of time you leave to go to him. Obviously reassure him before bedtime that you are in the next room but by him having a special teddy - maybe go together to shop for one and call him bedtime bear - then tell him when he wakes, cuddle bedtime bear and he will help him sleep.

Poor love, he must be exhausted too.

I'm with you in acknowledging the sadness of daddy not being there. When my dd got like this, I use to sing (at her request) "My bonnie lies over the ocean" but changing bonnie to daddy. Done in a very mournful, waily voice. Ah the comfort of art. Well, not really, but it really seemed to settle her.