I need a rant. I should be working but I'm on the verge of tears so, not for the first time here I am turning to MNet for word of wisdom- and because just getting it down on the screen helps....
Split up with EXP 7 months ago. We were together 9 years, one wonderful DS who is 6. I should have got out of the relationship years ago, I held on hoping things would change and thinking I could change them. In a nutshell EXP is selfish to the core and was incapable of being a good partner, I stuck with him through a gambling addiction, snogging other women because I hadn't given him enough attention etc etc. I did the lions share of the childcare, housework and was the main wage earner (he pursued a sportsmans career which just ate money, rather than earning any). Took me a very long while to realise how dysfunctional things were, after which I tried to fix them but in the end realised he couldn't change and I finally ended it after a great deal of soul searching.
In a way it has been easier than I thought. I think I grieved a lot for the end of our relationship well before it actually ended, I have felt a lot of relief since, coupled with some hard to bear guilt for breaking up our family.
DS was my main concern but he seems to have adjusted remarkably well. I've tried hard to give him the space to grieve and to feel whatever he needs to. I thought he was doing fine until a month ago when he asked out of the blue "are you and daddy still boyfriend and girlfriend?", I explained that we weren't and he was really really upset. I tried to talk it through with him but he wouldn't talk about it, I had thought he was clear about things but I must have been wrong- hence the unexpected question and sad reaction. Then a couple of weeks ago he asked if Daddy or I might get a new boy/girlfriend, I told him that in time that might happen and tried to reassure him that nothing would change for him, that he was our number one priority etc etc.. This caused a huge amount of tears, and a meltdown which is completely out of character. I tried to establish what it was about a new boyfriend / girlfriend that was upsetting him so much (simply to give me a better shot about the type of reassurance to give), but he completely refused to open up.
I started seeing someone new four months ago. I've known him for years and since we got together he has shown me what a real relationship can be. He is a wonderful, kind, loving, funny man and its a great feeling to be liked simply for being 'me'. I'm taking things very slowly, it feels right not to rush things and he knows that I am determined to allow DS space to grieve for the end of our relationship before rushing into any introductions. I am very worried about the affect of my new DP on DS emotionally, but whatever happens DS comes first, and my DP is completely inboard with that.
Only a month ago EXP was still insisting he could change, threatening to beat up DP, trying to persuade me to give him another chance (he's had many in the past), and even asked me to marry him. I know deep down that, even if he believes it himself, he can't change. I'm sad that DS now has a broken family, but things couldn't continue as they were.
EXP has now found himself a new GF. Typically he's head over heels and planning to move in with her. I had asked him to be cautious with DS because I'm worried about all the changes he is having to cope with, and becuase of his reaction to our conversation about new BF/GF. EXP seemed to 'get-it' and agreed to take things slowly with DS. However, lo and behold yesterday EXP had for the day and overnight and introduced his new GF, and in his words DS will definitely have understood they are together from their body language. I feel that EXP has run roughshod over DS' needs by doing this all so quickly. To be fair when I saw DS this morning he seemed fine, but I worry about what might be going on in his head. My parents are divorced and as a child I felt pressure to be 'good about it', I hid my unhappiness from my parents and I don't want to do this to DS.
I'm so upset by EXP's actions. I appreciate that I can't control what he does with DS and he has every right to move on, but I feel we owe it to DS to do this properly and to consider his feelings and I feel so let down that EXP can't do this. I'm also wracked with guilt that I have a partner that DS doesn't know about, and that he may well have a huge problem with.
I don't know what I'm asking really? Maybe for some advise as to how to handle the situation. I'm worried for DS, angry with EXP and confused as to how to manage the future.....