Dh's drinking

[amverytired]

I feel rotten and have gone to bed early.
Dh has a sporadic drinking problem, it raises it's head about once or twice a year now. He gets stressed about something, work or family related, and starts drinking more than usual. At times it has meant drinking in secret, or lying to me about whether he has been drinking. Often this has meant he has been argumentative and blames me or dc for things, overreacts to dc. It's horrible as I am confused as to what is happening and then after a few days I twig he's drinking more. The amount of alcohol doesn't seem hugely excessive, a bottle of wine a night, perhaps. He drinks secretly when he gets back from work, before dc are in bed, because he doesn't want me going on about it.
Things are stressful at the moment and he's drinking just slightly more than normal. I feel anxious and controlling. We had planned on having sex tonight but then I saw the second bottle in the fridge and just went off the idea. I told him I wasn't in the mood, alluded to the fact that I felt anxious about it, he tried to make conversation as normal, then possibly thinking I'd gotten over my bad mood, poured himself another glass.
So I just went to bed. I've no idea how to deal with how I'm feeling. I've been thinking about alanon, but I'm very much an athiest and don't think I would fit in there.

al-anon is not religious...no-one will ever ask about your religion

I can whole heartedly recommend going to meetings

www.smartrecovery.org.uk - we're just launching family support

Google your local drug and alcohol service provider - they may have something for families (they do round here)

Non-program specific support at www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk

When you say 'once or twice a year' how long do these episodes continue for?

Could it be that instead of a sporadic drinking problem, its actually a constant secret drinking problem & on the occasions you see it it means he is more stressed than usual so is sporadically drinking more on top of the usual amount?

So the bottle of wine a night, could it be as well as a liquid lunch then a secret couple after work (telling you he's at a meeting) then he doesn't care if you see the wine at night as its basically the alcohol dessert, not the starter?

A bottle of wine a day is excessive, you are not being controlling you are recognising that something isn't right & trying to change it. Of course he doesn't want you going on & on about it, because he is in the wrong & he knows it.

Can you talk honestly with him or is that no longer possible (I know what its like when that happens). If you confronted him with your anxiety then what would he do?

Are you sure it's only once or twice a year, it sounds like he's drinking regularly and you're really noticing the very bad episodes. He clearly has a problem. You are going to have to have that talk and let him know how this is making you feel, he will have to decide if the alcohol is more important than his relationship but don't sit in silence any longer. As for sex, forget it if he's drinking to excess.

I've been in Al-Anon for ages. I'm a total atheist. One of the most valuable things I've got from it is a better understanding of alcoholism.

He is almost certainly drinking more than you know. Don't assume you know how much he drinks. You will be allowed to see a certain amount, and then there'll be more that you don't see, however clever you are. (And I thought I was bloody clever).

Another Al-anon member who has never heard religion mentioned. I urge you to go, listen and learn about alcoholism - the family illness. The support you receive there will be invaluable, you will wonder how you ever managed without it.

Al-anon is for you, it's to help and support you, and crucially you will learn how to stop playing his game.