35 and never been in a relationship

[neverthebride]

Have n/c for this as frankly, I'm embarassed. I'm 35 and I've never been in a relationship. I've never even been close. I've had sexual or dating-type things but they've always ended fairly quickly. I'm ok confidence-wise and I get male attention when I go out so it's not that I can't meet men or even get dates; it just never leads to anything. Its becoming more and more likely that I'll never experience someone really loving me and that makes me really sad. Everyone always says 'you never know what's around the next corner' and although that's true, I've been hearing that for 15 years so don't hold out much hope anymore!. I spend the years seeing friends fall in and out of love, get married and have children while always staying single. I think most people would think there must be something wrong with me but I can't figure out what it is and my friend's can't seem to suggest anything either. I don't need to be in a relationship at all, I manage perfectly fine on my own but i'd like to love someone and be loved in return. I'm a Nurse so spend all my working time looking after others and it would be nice to have someone to look after me if I needed it, just once. Living on my own and paying all my own bills means i'm often in debt and never have spare cash for holidays etc so feel like I literally work to live. I know FB isn't necessarily a genuine picture of people's lives but all I see is friends holidays, weddings and children and I can't help but feel like a loser. I'm going through a bad bout of depression (unrelated to singledom I think) and although I have friends that care; they're busy with their own lives. I feel exhausted by dealing with everything on my own all the bloody time and just think what's the point?. I've never met someone else my age who's never been loved by a partner. Are there any others out there?.

The lowering your standards bit. No I dont think someone should lower their standards as to how a man or woman for that matter, behaves.
But there are some people who will only marry up in a social sense. As in it has to be a professional or whatever. That can be a barrier to some. Not meaning you op or others on this thread.

One thing I never see said on this subject, and I do know some men dont like, is a high squeaky voice. I know this sounds terrible writing this. But thought I would brave it. I would suggest that if a woman has this and is in this predicament, for her to think about a few elocution or speech lessons. I am aware that this sounds shallow, but it may sometimes be the only thing being a barrier.So some women may consider it was money well spent.

I don't think a genuine person who was worth investing time and energy in would be put off by a squeaky voice, trish. My voice is a bit on the stupid squeaky side, and I've managed to get around the block a few times.

OP, just wanted to say I have two close friends who were in your position with your history in their mid-30s, and one of them is now in a very happy long term relationship. You aren't the only one in this position, it doesn't make you weird, and you never know what is around the corner. Good luck!

I know of two women who didn't marry/ settle until 35 and each now has 2 lovely kids.

I also have a brother who is 10 years older than you and has never had a 'proper' relationship - longest was 6 months and she dumped him- and he's not weird at all.

Maybe- without knowing you at all- I'd say that you aren't putting in enough effort. (I'd say the same about my brother who tends to have very fallow periods when he just can't be arsed with the whole internet dating scene so doesn't even try to meet women.)

I know it's maybe not a popular notion but I do think that when you get out of your 20s and friends are settled, then you need to treat finding a partner ( if you want one) like a mission, rather than just hoping someone will turn up.

Yes, you might meet someone in a queue at Tesco, or on the train, or plane, but you can still maximise your chances.
In your situation it might mean changing your job to earn more money so you can do more things, like holidays for singles ( not 18-30!), and just getting out more.

You might want to think about- a dating coach! There are several psychologists out there who can help- by getting you to look at how you behave which may come over as stand offish or aloof, or just plain not interested- when you are! It's about changing your body language so you are receptive in any situation where there is a chance you might meet someone.

I'm sure you will meet someone but you need a plan of action!

What can the cause be? What do you think is most likely? Do you feel it may be to do with your looks or your personality? Are you just too fussy? Are you looking for someone who is almost perfect? Are you hypersensitive and extremely easily hurt? If anyone has turned you down what reasons have they given? Have you begun to feel warmth for anyone you've met? Do you usually reject them or they you? Do you do or say things which may be off putting? Do you usually want them more than they you, or is it the other way around?
What sort of man would be your ideal? Would you like to be married to or loved by any of the men who your seemingly successful friends are living with? Does the thought of sharing a house with a man and making compromises appeal to you ok? What do you do about meeting men? Is it just internet dating you do?
There just have to be reasons for you still being alone. Try to analyse it and then try to make changes of some kind. Try to do something because right now it's probably the most important thing in your life.

I was unbearably lonely right into my early 30s and became very depressed, had never even walked hand in hand with a girl or even had a single kiss or cuddle! And no sex, of course unless I paid for it. I made some pathetic efforts to get a girl but was always rejected. I felt no-one wanted me, nor did they.
I put it down to having no confidence at all and being under average height. Also, I blushed like mad at the slightest thing. Getting really desperate and hating my horrible life of being constantly lonely and without any love or affection from a nice girl, which I craved, I joined a marriage bureau (do they still exist?). So I'm afraid I had to get a stranger to find a woman for me as I couldn't do it myself. My first date led to marriage and I got love and kisses for the first time in my life! It was wonderful while it lasted.

Could you maybe join a reputable agency where men are actually seriously looking for partners, and those running it are trying to match you, so not just another ordinary dating agency. You'd likely have to pay but it would be worth it. I think you should waste no time in trying this, especially if you would like to have a baby. Singles holidays is another possibility. Don't give up on it!

That thing about the high-pitched voice is a bit stupid really, sorry Trish. I know lots of women who are married but would seem to me to be unappealing in many ways. Boring, vacuous and shallow, bitchy, unattractive, whatever, they all have husbands.

By going down that predictable route of trying to find a reason you offend long term single people I think. The inference is that there simply must be something wrong with you even if you don't know what it is yourself. I think that's rubbish.

I'm a little younger than you neverthebride and find myself in the same position as you.

I think I'm relatively normal and I am introverted and independent. I did meet someone last year and it was wonderful but brief (No it wasn't an affair). It did catch me completely off guard and given how short it was, has taken me a fair while to get over.

I probably do put up barriers but my feelings never seem to matter so its easier to look after myself. I have been told that I can look angry/sad ao I am trying to walk taller and be more smiley.

I find internet dating hard as I 'grow' on people and I would find it so hard to tell someone if I wasn't attracted to them, I'd feel bad. If last year's disaster showed me anything, it was what chemistry feels like. I too am completely perplexed as to how people seem to meet someone else so quickly after their relationship has ended.It would be lovely to meet someone but I am trying not to let it become the main focus in my life.

I hope you get the treatment you need and maybe making something of a change will be the catalyst for other things to come into your life. Please find the time/small change for a few treats for you :)

Just saying that some men dont like high pitched voices. just making a comment. Ask some men you know. See what they say.

Some men don't like lots of things. If we all started correcting "faults" because of "some men's" preferences we'd never finish.

Swimming has it, lots, in fact most, of unattractive, horrendous, boring, socially flawed people have relationships. These things are not complete barriers to relationship. The issue is more likely going to be the OP putting up very strong walls, or having unrealistic/misaligned expectations. I know a lovely person who is still single and always has been at 32. The reason - as far as I can see - is that she's fundamentally dishonest with herself about what she wants.

Ask some men I know! as in, ask them what's wrong with me, ask them if I'm single because of my voice That is as ridiculous as it is offensive. And if it were the case, then what? have a few vocal chords removed? Then would I be good enough to get a man?

Would I want to be with a man who'd reject me on the basis of my voice being too high pitched? I'm looking for a compatibility that I can enjoy, knowing that the person is decent, kind and clever.

Just because you're married trish5000 doesn't mean there's nothing wrong with you. Maybe you should ask some men you know. See what they say.

want to meet men socially but without the awful pressure of speed dating or a singles night < shudders > ?
Buy a road bike and join a club . Honesty . There isnt the danger with internet dating, no disappearing men , cheaters , players or nigerian con men. There should be some single men who arnt overweight and available. I know its difficult to find childfree time at the weekends but you might enjoy it , its healthy and a social group ride is safer than going out alone .

ToTheTeeth said it better than I did.

It would be an endless and pointless work in progress to start trying to be what some average faceless man we don't know yet might want.

I'm like you, OP - 37 and never had a relationship, only an on-off FWB thing (I would have liked a relationship with him, but he wasn't keen).

I do worry that even if I did meet someone now, he'd be scared off by my my lack of experience, assuming I had major ishoos. In reality I'm just very low in confidence; always aware that the world is full of better women than me, so why would anyone want me?

Anyway! Sorry to digress into self-pity. As this thread shows, we're far from alone.

Rather enjoyed the suggestion about trish asking men what was wrong with her.

Go on Trish - if it's good enough for the op ...

Friend of mine is in a similar situation and actually wrote a book about it.

www.amazon.co.uk/Single-Minded-ebook/dp/B00D86OWX4/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1383079204&sr=1-1

I've not read it yet but bit has good reviews

Two of my closest friends who are both early 30s have never had relationships. They are both close friends of mine and have many good qualities. One of them is however quite awkward around men and also works and socialises in female-dominated environments. I think she might give off stand-offish signals to men.

The other one ..... Well she has had offers from some guys who sound like very decent guys but always turns them down (normal reason is she doesn't fancy them). The guys she seems to want are the bad ones, who don't want to treat her well.....

But it doesn't sound like this is the case with you. Good luck

I'm married weneed. But yes, I try to know what he likes about me and what he doesnt. Then I choose to change things or not. Some yes, some no, or else gradually. Works to a certain extent vice versa as well. I dont want nasty surprises further on, and neither does he. Been married 25 years.

Another long-term single woman (37).

Please don't feel you have "failed" or you "ought" to be with someone to "succeed". Society's massively couple-centric but ignore that: what other people do is up to them.

I know you're married trish but that's just it - you wouldn't ask random men what they thought about you, would you? But it's ok for the OP to do so? I see the point you're making but it's unlikely to be something simple or straightforward, to be honest it's unlikely to be anything other than bad luck, just as its good luck you met your husband and have a presumably happy marriage.

Early 40s. Similar story. Pretty much given up hope, certainly of having children.

Actually, I'm mostly quite happy being on my own and doing my own thing, and I found on a group holiday recently (with total strangers), I do need time alone, because I'm used to it. But I'd quite like someone to take the bins out and do the vacuuming from time to time, and I definitely miss sex, and it'd sometimes be nice to have someone just asking how my day went.

I'm not going to meet anyone though, as my social life is pretty much non-existent these days, and the few parties I get invited to tend to be for 4 year olds.

Not every man who's unattached is confident and sure of himself. Over time I've known some shy men who on being asked why they hadn't chatted Miss X up let alone asked her out, replied they thought she'd already been snapped up, so wouldn't approach her. Grown men, accomplished, amiable, sometimes professionals, not gauche clumsy teens.

So much is luck. If you meet someone and don't seize the chance, that might be the only time they're in your town in that place, off duty or on that particular shift pattern, with those friends, in that pub or at that show.

Thanks for all the replies and the advice. I will take it all on board because if I didn't; why would I have posted?.

I agree that it's hard to meet anyone decent in your 30s and I am trying. Really!.

I honestly don't think I'm doing anything wrong and can't think the lovely ladies who were brave enough to admit they're in the same boat as me are doing anything wrong either.

We all know people who are 'aloof' or 'very independent'or are ' needy' or 'high maintenance' or 'silly' or 'annoying' or don't conform to what society thinks is attractive or have high pitched voices or WHATEVER. And we all have ishoos because that's life and we probably know lots of people with ishoos that still have someone that is in love with them so although I accept that as a possible contributory factor, I don't think it can be the whole story.If I was being blunt and unkind; I'm sure we all know utter twats that have someone to love them:-).

For those of us in this lonely boat. It just hasn't happened for us and it's shit isn't it? I won't repeat the clichés I've (and you) have heard before but it's meant a lot to me to know I'm not alone xx

I agree with most of your post weneed, except for the asking bit. I am a bit bolshy. So yes, I would have started asking past about 28. In this day and age when people are marrying about 3 years later than they were back in my day, probably about 31 I would ask. And ask my friends and acquaintances too. I dont think it hurts to ask. [I gave up pride a long time ago. I realised that having pride was me stopping myself doing things in life I needed or wanted to do. So I try and push through pride as much as I am able. I realise I am not everyone].

Good luck op. It is indeed a bit of a lottery. And fwiw, I sometimes think there are not enough nice men for the nice women. I did come to think that if Iwas in yours and others boat, that I might take a part time job in a garage service station or another suitable man place. Lots of men of all ages use those. Just a thought. And where I am, there always seem to be jobs available at those. Maybe the pay isnt too good. The hours might be evenings, but that is the time that men may be filling their cars up. Just a thought as I say, and may not be at all suitable for you neverthebride.

You sound lovely btw. And I too, and probably others do know single lovely people. And I get a bit stumped as to why they were not snapped up. I know a couple of lovely single men too. They now go round in a group together and I think wouldnt it be lovely if they paired up. Just randomly thinking now, perhaps there are other groups like the one I know in Britain as well. Hmm.

I do worry that even if I did meet someone now, he'd be scared off by my my lack of experience, assuming I had major ishoos. In reality I'm just very low in confidence; always aware that the world is full of better women than me, so why would anyone want me?

My ex used my lack of experience in relationship as a stick to beat me with, as it were. But he was a horrible person, and any decent person would put in the effort with you, because you are worth it, despite what you think. As someone said upthread, so much of it is luck.

I've been thinking about my single friends vs my coupled-up friends, and they are a really mixed bunch. There is no single trait that defines them and provides a reason for their singledom. Though weirdly enough it's the men who are needy and desperate to meet someone, whereas the women are hardworking and independent and would like to dip their toe in the water, despite what dating stereotypes would have us believe.

I'm just not bothered enough to try to find someone at the moment. But I despair of friends who pity me for being single. I'm generally pretty happy with my lot!

I have been thinking some more too. The single men I know. I would say that they do have a bit on common with the film Failure to launch. They are a little bit homebirds, a little bit mummys boys. I think they could have been prised out earlier in life, not quite so sure now that they are in their 40s. One of them has elderly ailing parents to care for. Perfectly decent chaps though.