I think I already know the answer to this

[feelinlucky]

But would like some advice to get my thoughts straight. Ds does not have a good relationship with his dad, he's 11, he spends a few hours a week with his father. This is his fathers choice. He used to spend the best part if the week with his dad until he met his now wife and then he decided he could only spend a few hours with his son. My ds only sleeps over once a month and sometimes this doesn't happen. Ds has suffered terribly as a result of this perceived rejection and is now having counselling. I've tried talking to my ex but he gets angry and I am of course playing games and it's all my fault. I just want him to see how much he is damaging his child. I don't think I'll change his behaviour but should I at least try and how do I do it without illiciting a defensive response?

What a bastard he is.
Is his wife a nice person, can you talk to her?

I don't know his wife. I'm making a massive assumption that she's isn't a nice person because I couldn't be with a man who treats his own child in this way. 6 years he had his son with him half the week and half the holidays. Now he has his none of the holidays. He doesn't take him away and he only has him a couple if hours around Xmas but not Xmas day.

It sounds like a safe assumption then. I think you need to have a calm conversation with him, no blaming or anything but just saying how much his DS loves him and wants to have more time with him. In the end the new wife has the claws in and if she is a selfish bitch and he just doesn't care about his own son then there isn't anything you can do to force the relationship. Are there other adult men in your sons life like GPs, not that they will ever fill the gap?

I've tried talking to him but he always finds a way to make it all about me, it's always my fault and there's no reasoning with him. The school have said they could speak to him because ds has spoke to them but I'm not sure that will make any difference. I guess all I can do is support my son.

"Now DS is getting older he understandably wants to spend more time with his Dad than his Mum, that's what boys do - would you be able to have him for longer at the weekends or during the week, whichever suits you best?"

Perhaps send it by text so it doesn't become a discussion?

It might help if it came from school but he might think you had instigated their interference so you can't really win. I suppose you are right, all you can do is support your son but it is so terribly sad. I hope the hurt and disappointments don't become worse. In the end your son will be angry and not want to see his father, oh and that will be your fault too no doubt.

This is difficult because you can't change your ex's behaviour. What I would do and did myself was to remove any knowledge from my kids about changes to contact patterns. I never discussed it in front of them or referred to it as I didn't want them hurt. I just referenced when they would see him next and focused on each occasion rather than a change in pattern, I'd that makes sense? I then redoubled my efforts to make them feel safe, secure and happy in our family unit.

It is with a a small dose of pride that I see I've got well balanced and happy adult children despite the relationship they had with their father. This relationship for both the kids is now non existent as they both came to the conclusion, at different times, that he was a selfish and distant father. His loss. The past caused us all pain and you can't remove that totally from your children but I don't hold with total honesty about HIS decision about reducing contact just to save the kids some pain about it. That's just my story.

Unfortunately even if she is an influence in the reduced time with your DS, he is complicit - contact time has reduced and if he was committed to your DS well being he would have ensured a workable arrangement AND/OR would be willing to discuss DS reaction.

I had same situation & didn't realize what was going on until SM managed the DC right out of the door and then orchestrated a move to the other side of the country.

You are doing well to get him into counselling but if his DF doesn't want to consider the fallout from his actions there's little you can do to change that. Good luck - he will know which parent cares more unfortunately

Concentrate I really wish I had managed things better from the start. I wish had hidden contact changes from him and I feel some responsibility for his confusion. I was so busy being angry at his dad for reducing contact and seeing my child's little heartbroken face that I didn't put my sons needs first. I'll never forgive myself for that. I can't change the past so I'll just concentrate on what I can do now. Unfortunately my ds is already bitter about his dad. In some respects they've never really got along that well. Pretty much on my own with no family and he doesn't really gave any good male role models. I do feel very guilty that I haven't given him everything he needs to be as well adjusted as he could be. It makes me feel so sad.

It's a shitty trick and I don't know what to suggest that hasn't been raised already upthread.

Not that it helps and it in no way excuses this behaviour but is this some kind of pre-emptive strike - is it possible new wife and ex are deliberately distancing from DS because they're planning a baby? (Btw not expecting you to have that degree of in-depth knowledge of their plans).

When I lived with a man with children, he'd often cancel them coming over saying it wouldn't be fair in them because we'd have an argument earlier or that he thought we needed the time together. I always said he was letting his kids down, though I'm sure to his ex it was prob all my fault. Unless you know otherwise he could be saying (as my ex did) that it's his DC and not my concern. I don't think many women are the evil stepmother, though of course they do exist.

I guess my point is that demonising her will achieve nothing. Your ex is at fault, even if she were the evil stepmum, your ex should always be inside with DC. I think the school could help. They're outside if the family and professionals. If he won't take note of what they say, I don't know who he would listen to.

Inside = onside

Feckless man. Can you speak to his parents?

They've just had a baby a few months ago. Fifi, I don't care about his wife or what her influence is. He is solely responsible for not seeing his son. She married him knowing who he is and went on to have a child with him so let's hope he doesn't do the same to her. I truly hope he doesn't ruin another little life. I can't change how he feels about his son so I just have to accept it and support him on managing his future. The damage has already been done.

Dotty his parents have never cared about their grandson either. Interestingly when's son was a baby my ex' Saint said something that has stayed with me. She asked me how I deal with the grandparents clearly not caring as much about their grandson as they do their granddaughter? Ex's brother had a one night stand with a girl which resulted in a granddaughter. They had her all the time, weekends, holidays, took her everywhere but had and still don't have anything to do with my son. His dad takes him for occasional Sunday lunch. It's just another very clear rejection of my son. I find it excruciatingly painful to deal with.

Ex's aunt not saint :)

Feelinglucky, I have/had a similar situation.
Left dh1, ds dad, when ds was 3. Marriage was bad before ds was born, gave dh1 another chance to prove he was a good dad at least. That didn't work out either. Was lp for 8 years, my dad died when ds was 4 and had never met inlaws (complex situation).
Luckily re male role models, ds primary school teacher was the only male teacher at the school. We also had kindly neighbours who'd include him sometimes and ds always had a lot of friends to socialise with too.
Am remarried, ds sees that although dh2 has two kids we see frequently (and dss now lives 50:50 with us) the relationship he has with dh2 is still better than with own dad
I'm sitting typing this wile ds is still moping about having to see his dad this weekend... And his sm is a really lovely person who often mediates between father and son!

In that case the new baby is quite a major factor. I don't know how old DS was when you split up with his dad but whether boy or girl half sibling DS will feel supplanted.

Donkey, this has gone on well before the new baby. I'm pretty sure ds will feel even more emotionally bruised now he can see his father caring and wants another child that's not him. In fact while he was sobbing last weekend because he dad cancelled his day with him because it clashed with the new baby's naps he told me he probably shouldn't see his dad anymore because he is clearly happy with his wife and new child. The hurt didn't end there for my son. He had a sleepover at his friends that night and when got to his friends house he became so overwhelmed with emotion at seeing his friend and his father having a lovely chat and laugh at the table, he came straight home and started to hyperventilate while cuddling me and telling me he didn't want the sleepover. It was 2 days later he told me why. This is why I feel so angry at this man. Ds told the school and this is why he now has counselling.

I have no direct experience of this but I wanted to offer some suggestions.
No idea if they will be any good but here goes.

In your shoes I would be inclined to "write off " the ( useless ) dad. He may come to regret his actions in later years but by then it may be too late. I think you can keep the door open to future contact but accept for now that it isn't happening.

It is good that your son is having counselling and great that you and he have such an open relationship ( painful for you to see him unhappy but better than bottling it up).

I would try to continue to give your son a busy and full life and fill the dad shaped hole perhaps with sports or cubs/ scouts. Things to build his self esteem and expand his horizons.

Your son is lucky to have one amazing parent.

Grace what a lovely and helpful post. That is exactly what I plan to do and I know you're right. There's absolutely nothing I can do about the dad. He's already booked in for a few new clubs :)

That is out of order OP and your DS deserves better. It must break your heart.