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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am at a loss and don't know what to do.

18 replies

ohHelpWhatnext · 26/10/2013 04:03

Three times in the last year my DH has said that he is exhausted and has no drive for life and that it is because of our relationship. We have the odd bicker but I can't imagine its any more than any other couple just compromise type stuff and dealing with 3 children under five etc. He said tonight that he panics about when the children leave home and what we will do with our lives then and isn't it better that we find new lives in our 30s than then.

I just think he is being over dramatic and unrealistic about life and life with kids. Not sure if it makes a difference but he is a single child but I do think it is part of the issue - not having to have compromised with any siblings at all growing up etc.

He is an amazing father and says that he loves me but at time to him it feels more like a sibling relationship (because 'we don't always agree with each other'). I think our sex life is pretty healthy and that he is just giving up but how can I know really.

So this evening is when he repeated all this at dinner and then we came home, made love and he falls asleep and I am left there thinking HELP.

Is this a classic male reaction and how can I help him see sense. We are both pretty sensitive but I tried to point out that that wouldn't change in an other relationship so he'd be back to square one.

I just feel that I can't relax in the relationship if this is going to keep repeating itself. It's not really fair is it? Any advice?

OP posts:

IComeFromALandDownUnder · 26/10/2013 04:12

So sorry op that is horrible for you. He is basically suggesting splitting up now rather then later? I personally couldn't live like that. I would call his bluff. If he wants a new life give it to him. Kick him out tomorrow. I strongly suspect he will realise what he has when it is gone.

Original poster

ohHelpWhatnext · 26/10/2013 04:18

You know, I'm so tempted. We are on a posting at the moment and I feel like telling him in the morning "ok whatever, i'm off, I have no time for this" It would mean me moving out though to go back to england. I wish he could just say ' you know what, I realise that it is hard work but we're in this together so lets just get on with it and have fun'

OP posts:

Original poster

ohHelpWhatnext · 26/10/2013 04:20

He's going away for 2 weeks tomorrow on business - shall I just say I'm going to think about what he is saying and let him know my response when he gets back? let him sweat a bit? I just don't know?

OP posts:

IComeFromALandDownUnder · 26/10/2013 04:25

Of course it is hard work with 3 under 5. What does he expect?

Yes tell him that you have thought about what he said and you don't think there is much point continuing in a relationship with some one who doesn't love you enough.

Use the time he is away to really decide whether you want do continue in the relationship.

Original poster

ohHelpWhatnext · 26/10/2013 04:38

So easy to write on paper though isn't it? The poor kids too. It would absolutely break his heart to be without them too - he has no idea. What a mess. This is not what I imagined. I want to scream.

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 26/10/2013 05:03

Sorry OP but it sounds to me like he's having an affair.

Original poster

ohHelpWhatnext · 26/10/2013 05:09

Well I am open to any thoughts but he works from home and i know his whole work schedule and booked the flights for him etc so would be rather slim. I think he is just being selfish really.

OP posts:

FesterAddams · 26/10/2013 05:10

It should go without saying, but you really shouldn't have to put up with this. He needs to be committed to your marriage or he needs to get out of it. It's intolerable and cowardly of him to leave you not knowing where you stand.
If I were in your position I don't think this is something that I could ignore, while hoping for the best - if left unresolved it would eat away at the relationship anyway.
I would tell him that you should both use the two weeks that you're going to be apart to think about whether your marriage has a future, and that you will both come to a decision when he returns.
And I would suggest that you also use that time to think about the practical arrangements of separation - your finances, where you and your DCs will live etc. Hopefully he'll come to his senses, but either way you'll find the discussion when he returns less scary if you've given this some thought.

Original poster

ohHelpWhatnext · 26/10/2013 05:16

Thank you festeradams, I really shouldn't have to put up with it. In the car he was saying 'but don't you feel the same way?' Yes, I do feel exhausted but I know that that is a reality and I don't want to throw everything away - for what! Urrggh - makes me so cross and now I'm sitting here crying waiting for him to wake up, I have family coming to stay tomorrow and it just all seems so unfair. Why can't he get a grip?

OP posts:

verysomething · 26/10/2013 05:29

OP have you been up all night worrying or are you in a different timezone? Really feel for you, and hope it's just a blip.

It does honestly sound like he has depression, and it's not your fault. Hang in there.

Minime85 · 26/10/2013 06:14

sounds very similar to my situation. we've just agreed to separate after 6 months or so of trying to turn it around unsuccessfully for various reasons it just didn't work. I wouldn't give up on it yet. sit down and talk about how together u can get things back or change it. its got to be worth a try or you'll never know. at least then if a split happens you will know you gave it everything. good luck

CogitoErgoSometimes · 26/10/2013 06:23

I don't like people who threaten splits as a way to get their partner to change behaviour, only to leave it all hanging in the air unresolved. I think it's cruel and I suspect their motives. If there are problems in the relationship, he should suggest counselling or some other way of getting everything out in the open and find solutions. If he's depressed he should seek medical advice. If he wants to split he should go.

SourSweets · 26/10/2013 06:35

So at dinner he was telling you how your relationship was sucking the life out of him and you were more like siblings and basically have no relationship beyond the kids, then you came home and had sex with him? Why? If my husband told me those things he'd be sleeping in the spare room at the very least. Don't put up with being spoken to like that, if he's not happy he knows where the door is.

mammadiggingdeep · 26/10/2013 06:59

I Really think he needs to experience the grass on the other side of the fence. Let him find out what life without you and family life is like.

He'll be running back to you within a month.

Are you sure he hasn't met somebody else?

Original poster

ohHelpWhatnext · 28/10/2013 22:48

Thank you everyone, sorry have been a bit busy with visitors etc. He woke up and told me he felt much better after a good nights sleep so I told him that I had had the opposite. He said that he was glad that he could voice his opinion and thought that "chats like these are really helpful every once in a while'. I told him how unhelpful they are and that it makes me feel on edge. I don't want to discuss whether we should break up every 6 months. He then welled up a bit and said he understood.

I think he just isn't very realistic and also over dramatic (guess that is the same thing). I had sex with him, I guess, to remind him that what he was saying was not true. Does that make sense? I am not sure what does anymore?

He says that he is exhausted with our misunderstandings. An example of this will be me cooking something with the extractor fan on, with one of LOs at my feet - he will come in and say something, which I don't quite catch, and then he gets dissapointed that he needs to repeat himself. So then I reply 'what can i do, it's hardly my fault' and then he thinks I am blaming him. Im not really, I'm just defending myself I think.

boy, it's exhausting just writing it down. We never argue about money or the kids or map reading or any of the stereo typical stuff. I guess this could be linked to the single childless too - always having full attention and not knowing how to cope otherwise.

I am looking into counselling and he would come but slightly dragging his feet 'weird to talk to strangers about personal life etc' but we will see. ok enough of me I think. Really helpful to get it on paper.

OP posts:

DorothyBastard · 28/10/2013 23:01

This sort of thing is going to become a self-fulfilling prophecy if he is not careful. You are already sounding tired out from it all. He is acting selfishly to put you through such emotional turmoil so lightly.

Dahlen · 28/10/2013 23:11

You have three children under five. Losing a sense of identity and being permanently knackered goes with the territory unless you have an amazing support network and plenty of money.

I think it's possible he's just self-absorbed rather than wanting out. He's indulging himself with excessive naval-gazing, isn't he. It's all about his fulfilment, his sense of identity. Has he asked about yours? Does he ever speak more loudly rather than force you to ask him to repeat himself?

In short, I think he needs to grow up and accept that this is family life with small children. As the DC grow, you will reclaim more time for yourselves, both individually and as a couple, and you will hopefully reconnect and have more fun so that the misunderstandings become less frequent.

Until then, his choices are to accept it and continue with having a family, or reject it and leave. I would spell it out to him in those hard terms. He stops making threats and decides to get off the fence one way or the other. Right now the splinters in his arse are making him a pain in the arse for you as well.

Anomaly · 28/10/2013 23:54

I think you need to talk to him about the reality of life as separated parents. He seems to have some idea that it would be easier having 'new lives'. I suppose if he decided to waltz off and not see the kids again in a day to day sense it would be. But he doesn't sound the sort of person who would ditch the children. So the reality would be you and he running separate households with the children flitting between them. Probably with new partners into the mix. How would he feel about your new partner teaching his children to ride a bike for instance? I know its not all about the children but some people do seem to have unrealistic expectations of relationships. Its not all hearts and flowers especially when you have a few small children.

I expect when he has these talks with you he's dreaming unrealistically of his 'new life' whereas you have a much better idea of what it would actually entail.

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