Asexuality.

[CyanCloud]

I think that I'm probably asexual. I've not had sex for over 8 years, and I hope never to have it again. I've not enjoyed what I have had.

I do get crushes on people (mostly characters from TV shows), but my infatuation never extends to sex. I don't even like kissing; the most intimacy I want is hugging/being held.

I guess what I'm asking is, has anyone managed an asexual relationship? I'm lonely, but I know that I can't bear to have sex, so I can't have a conventional relationship. I do have mental health issues that mean that having a relationship right now isn't feasible, but it is something that plays on my mind a lot, and I think I would like to have a relationship at some point.

I don't have children. Thank you if you've read this.

Hi Cyan

I agree you should visit your GP.

Could you mention the not liking being touched and coupled with social anxiety. Not understanding social situations or if people understand you even on a forum. Your very factual responses very polite too are rules you follow regular to cope socially? Look up tactile sensitivity 'sensory' and Aspergers maybe ask your GP what their opinion is?

After thought you could do this TEST and print out take to GP to possibly see if further assessment is needed. However your choice but just an idea most GPs aware of this self assessment test for Aspergers.

I had had crushes on tv characters and too never felt sexually about them, just interested in talking to them, or I wanted to! I never felt sexually attracted to my ex either.

Then I met my DP and for the first time in my life I wanted to be near him and close to him, touch him.

I'm not saying you are not asexual, but it sounds like you are relatively inexperienced and have never been in love.

OK, first of all, it's fine to be asexual. You are not the only one, there are other people like you, and having sexual relationships is not compulsory.

However, you sound so unhappy and anxious that I think right now your first priority should be sorting out and getting help for your MH problems and your anxiety. It might help to tell yourself that the whole business of sexuality/asexuality is not relevant right now and is something you can think about exploring when you feel generally better. A person with a broken leg doesn't need to be trying to fix their mild indigestion or psoriasis at the same time.

Thank you all for your comments.

My GP is aware of my MH issues. My feelings towards sex have been consistent throughout my life; before I became depressed, every time I've been on medication, and now. I'm not able to see a GP right now. I do plan to try to make another appointment before the end of the year, but my GP and the CMHT have been less than helpful thus far and I don't anticipate that improving.

I looked up tactile sensitivity, and it seems to apply to clothing and certain textures. I don't experience anything like that, I'm just often uncomfortable with human contact. I did that test, and only scored 1. I try to type without being too emotive, otherwise I'm likely to spiral off into a huge "woe is me" saga (more so than this already is!) and I think it gets the point across more succinctly.

I have been in love. More than once, though whether or not those feelings were valid is subjective. That feeling was never accompanied by a sexual desire. I am inexperienced sexually; absolutely. This is predominantly because the thought of having sex makes me feel ill and I don't want to make myself do it again.

You all raise very valid points, and I'm grateful that you've taken the time to respond.

Thank you SGB. I took so long typing out that epic that I missed your post.

I know it shouldn't be so important, but it's something that I keep coming back to. I think I wanted some reassurance that there was a possibility that, in the future, I could have a relationship with someone that didn't involve sex. I have ignored this for such a long time that it's ended up taking up much more headspace than it should. You're right that I need to leave it alone for the time being. It really isn't all that relevant when I'm in no way fit for any kind of relationship, is it?

Cyan

I think you should see GP andask to be referred to psychiatrist for psychiatric assessments. Or could you be under psychiatrist already? Have you had any bad sexual experiences or neglect in your past?

I am suprised you scored only 1 on that test? Which one was it?

Also depression can effect sex drive.
but as this has always been abnormal when not anxious/depressed it would be good to get to bottom of this.
again I think a full psychiatritic assessment you could ask for. I think it would help you understand if there was a label to your differences so you can then learn about it and develop copung methods.

Thank you for replying to me again.

I've seen a few different psychiatrists before. Nothing ever really seems to come of it, but if my GP thinks it's necessary when I next see her, then I'll do it again. I don't have any history of abuse/neglect.

I scored on "I find it difficult to work out people's intentions". I do sometimes struggle with that, since people can hide/lie about what they really want. I considered scoring myself on 7 for the same reason, but I didn't think it applied.

Are my feelings towards sex really so abnormal that they merit a psychiatric diagnosis and coping methods? I'd really never thought of it like that.

Some people may think it abnormal Cyan, but I think it is a semantics issue. 1% of the population is of course uncommon, and asexuality is not commonly spoken about. You may well find that some people assume you must want a "cure". Certainly though, there is nothing wrong with not desiring sex and a "coping method" does not have to mean "learn to dissociate while someone has sex on you". It can just be ways of approaching the subject with others or ways of thinking about it in yourself which make it more acceptable. At the moment you are seeing yourself as some unloveable leech, like sex is some kind of currency in a relationship and that you would be taking without giving if you refused to have it. This is so not the case and although most people do desire sexual contact with someone that they love, there are several ways around this.

SGB is very well educated on the topic of "alternative" relationships and has a great deal of knowledge on the subject - but she and others are right, the social anxiety is a problem which needs dealing with now. The sexuality issue can be explored later.