Yet another "problems with dh" thread but please indulge me. I need MN wisdom.

[CheesyFeet]

Bit of a long one but please bear with me if you can.

It was my dd?s 2nd birthday at the weekend and all my family and some friends came over for a bash. We had a kiddies? party in the afternoon followed by a grown ups BBQ and a few drinks in the evening after dd had gone to bed. I don?t see all my family together very often as we are scattered all over the country, and unfortunately the wine started flowing and I got rather drunk. I eventually rolled up to bed at 3am and was a total wreck the next day. Dh didn?t drink at all and sloped off to bed at around 11pm after having been very quiet all evening.

(Understandably) dh was pissed off the next day as he had to deal with dd while I spent the day with my head down the toilet . However I don?t do this very often at all, in fact it?s been years since I overdid it this much, and he has done the same himself from time to time. I was willing to put up with the sulk for a while but he was still sulking last night so I confronted him.

Turns out..

1. I suffer from depression and have done for years, on and off. Dh admitted for the first time last night that he is finding it difficult to cope with. He said that everyone around us was so concerned about me that he was being left to cope with his feelings alone. I had no idea he was struggling so much as whenever I ask him if he is OK he says that he is. My Mum and one of my friend in particular are always asking after him but he has never admitted to them that he is struggling either although both would be happy to do anything they could to help him. Trouble is, he won?t talk to anyone so no one knows how he is really feeling, even though he seems to expect them to.

2. He doesn?t like one of my brothers. He (db) can be arrogant and he?s a big drinker. He is generally the centre of attention at these sort of things, and although he can be very entertaining, he can be a bit much at times. However he is my brother, I love him and I don?t see him as often as I?d like.

3. He doesn?t share any interests with my family and the friends that were there. He doesn?t know what to say to them half the time and so consequently says nothing, appearing sulky. I have interests that I share with my friends and family that dh doesn?t follow and it?s really nice to be able to talk to people about what I enjoy outside my life with dh. (BTW dh and I have shared interests, but no one else in my immediate circle of friends likes to do the things that we enjoy doing together)

4. My brothers and friends are generally educated to university level and dh says we make him feel stupid at times because he left school at 16. IMO this is utter bollocks, dh has degree-equivalent qualifications that he gained in the workplace and is in no way stupid. He says that we leave him behind at times with the level of our conversation. I feel really bad about this as it certainly wasn?t intentional and tbh when we?ve had a few we tend to talk rubbish and what we are saying probably doesn?t make much sense anyway.

Anyway the upshot of all this is that he doesn?t like my family and friends. He doesn?t like the person I become when they are around, even though this is part of who I am and he has always known that. He thinks we are from different worlds and he is struggling with that. He resents any attention I get because of my illness as it sidelines him. All this has been going on for years and he has never said anything. Not for the first time, everything has come out because he has virtually stopped talking to me and I have confronted him, we have had a blazing row and the truth has come out.

Why why why can?t he just be more honest with me? We argued for ages last night but then got past that and had a reasonable adult discussion about what we can do (eg maybe go to Relate, not invite so many of my friends and family at once so he doesn?t feel so intimidated, I am encouraging him to make his own friends as he only has one real friend who lives 100 miles away who couldn?t make it to this party, I have told him to go to the doctor as he may well be suffering from depression himself).

This is not the first time this has happened. Whenever he has a problem he just sulks until I get tired of living with a black cloud and confront him, and it always descends into a row before we get to the truth and we can sort something out like adults.

I am so tired and run down because of my depression and I just don?t have the energy any more to be the partner who always starts these conversations and then deal with the ensuing argument. I really need him to be strong for me and he?s finding it so hard to be supportive atm.

He is increasingly making me feel that I can?t talk to him as I don?t want to drag him down with me. I need the support network of my family and friends and all this makes me feel that he?s trying to separate me from that.

I don?t want to leave him, I love him dearly and he?s a great dad, but his sulking, inability to talk to me or tell me the truth when asked about things that are so important have to stop as I can?t deal with it any more.

Sorry for rambling on. Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Poor you. Sounds to me, just from a very cursory review of the facts you've given here that your DH is jealous of the fact that you had a lovely time with your family and friends on Saturday.
Maybe he is feeling a bit down at the moment, because he seems to be craving sympathy: feels thick in the company of your family & friends, feels sidelined by your depression, feels unable to cope with you etc etc
Not sure you have got to the bottom of what is going on here yet.

Bugsy you have hit the nail on the head there. He needs to make his own friends and have his own life outside his family so that I don't feel guilty for having mine. We have discussed this so many times but nothing ever changes .

His Mum has problems with crowds and strangers, she also had agoraphobia years ago. His family only ever consisted of his mum, dad and himself with no social life outside that. He seems to think that is how we should live too, but that isn't what I want for me or for dd either.

You should not feel guilty for enjoying the company of your friends and family. Presumably one of the reasons your dh was originally attracted to you is because you were so different from his own family.
Have you thought about having some couples counselling. It sounds as though he probably ought to have some, but if he won't consider that - couples counselling might help.

He may well be depressed and he is definitely feeling sorry for himself. If the fact that some of your friends and family annoy/bore him was that big a deal he would have mentioned it before. Maybe you are looking for a bit too much from him support wise? Why not try to lighten things up a bit and try to have some of the fun you have with your friends and family with him iyswim

I think couples counselling would be a great help. I think he is being very selfish but he can't see why. I'm sure that I am being pig headed at times too. All I need to do now is persuade him it's a good idea. I've asked him to see his GP too as I think he has his own problems he needs to go through on his own.

Thanks so much for your replies and reassurance Bugsy, sometimes I am not sure whether or not I am being the selfish one, and it really helps to know that it isn't just me.

Carmenmere we do have fun together, days out as a family and shared interests etc. The problems only start when I do anything that doesn't only involve our little family.

I do need to lighten up on him though, you are right. It must be so hard being the partner of someone with recurrent episodes of depression (may well start a separate thread on this).

ooops sorry that should be Carmenere

I'm not sure I have huge amounts of constructive advice to offer here, but one thing that strikes me is that perhaps what you see as DH sulking (as opposed to rowing), refusing to talk about how he feels and saying 'I'm ok' all the time is his attempt to protect you.
He knows you have problems enough of your own and maybe doesn't feel he can 'burden' you with his as well, so I wouldn't be too quick to call him 'very selfish'.

Counselling is a very good idea though, if only to have a neutral forum for being honest.

That is true MrsBadger but not telling me the truth about he feels is only going to turn into a viscious circle as I no longer feel that I can tell the truth either for exactly the same reasons (ie not wanting to be a burden). I see him as being selfish as burying his emotion only turns him into someone else, he not only sulks but makes spiteful comments and makes me feel crap. If he would just talk his problems through with me then we could work them through together. His frequent sulks when I do something he doens't like, even if it's for the sake of my sanity, make my problems seem a thousand times worse than they really are.

God I really feel like I am making excuses for myself now. I am such a rubbish wife. He'd be mortified if he knew I was discussing this here.

oh Cheesy, you're not a crap wife - you're putting in braintime trying to make this work.

I think bilateral honesty is a fantastic goal but may need a lot of effort to get there, so don't think either that it's going to be an easy ride or that it's DH that has to do all the changing.
Sulking is horrible, and sometimes it's easier to avoid the cause of the sulk than try and resolve it once it's started.
When you have to do something DH doesn't like (eg throw big party) for the sake of your sanity, it might be worth making sure he knows 1. you know he doesn't like it, 2. you aren't doing it just to irritate him, 3. it's helping you and 4. when it's done you can do something he likes (eg go out as a little family).
I guess you know all these things already, it's making sure he knows you know them, IYSWIM.

Just to say that living with a depressive can be hell. My DH was on prozac and having counselling for a few years. As a partner you fluctuate between resentment and sympathy... and then guilt for the resentment.... always saying that everything was OK so as not to add more burdens to the other partner - I used to stomp about the place and then go out for a walk on my own and cry. That was before we had kids too. It started when I was pregnant (his father was terminally ill which trigerred the depression) and I was at my wits end - feeling knackered, working full-time and worrying about the future. His counsellor asked me to attend a session much to DH's surprise - the first thing she said was whether I was finding things difficult...I burst into tears because it was the first time I had been allowed to acknowledge that his illness was making my life miserable too. DH was amazed at my reaction - he'd never realised.

Your DH may be feeling resentment about this which will make every other issue worse. I really think that couple counselling would be the best thing - bringing stuff out into the open in a safe, neutral place where no-one is going to start shouting etc.

Having suffered from PND since then both DH and I have a little more insight into what each other went through back then

Good luck

{{{Hugs}}} Honey, if there is anything my DH or I can do OR not do to help, just let us know.

If you want a shoulder to cry on, you have my phone number and address and you are welcome to use either anytime.

Your marriage has been though some tough times in the past and I know you'll get though this one as well.

Remember you love each other and you have created and raised the most beautiful and intelligent 2 year old DD and those are the most important things in the long run.

PS. Counselling is a great idea.

Thanks BE. Sorry, I'm hiding from the phone atm .

It made me smile actually to think of the conversation we had on Sunday morning about how my db1 drags people down with him when he's drinking... this is one of the things that dh was on about last night. He actually said that he thinks your dh is great when my db1 isn't around .

Me and db2 were blaming db1 for our outrageous hangovers on Sunday. We were keeping up with him and neither of us are really equipped. Poor db1, he has no idea he is getting all this stick! I think he may have a problem with the drink though.

(((hugs)))) back, hope you are OK

DD loves her new water/sand thingy btw and we have got some sand for her now too

Has he always been like that? Have your family ever commented on his behaviour? Is under a lot of stress at work? My dh can be a bit like that, my family and friends are big drinkers and him and his family don't drink at all and its not easy to be the sober one at a party, will agrue the next day and somethings that come out aren't really the problem its something to more to stay when your're feeling p*ed of with each other. Sounds like your a great couple most of the time and unfortunaley there's no such thing as a prefect relationship as that would just be boring.

Only just seen this too, Cheesy Feet. Haven't got any advice (seems like other 'netters have got that side covered anyhow) but wanted to send you my love and hugs.

Feel free to bend my ear (or my email box) any time you need to.

Is he close to his family? How do you get on with them?

Thanks GA, I will MSN you as soon as I get a free evening when dh isn't surgically attached to the puter (I really miss having my own)

He is close to his Mum & Dad but not his extended family - he has aunts, uncles etc who I have never met, his Mum didn't even want to invite them to our wedding. His immediate family is very insular - it has always been just the three of them which they have now extended to include me & dd. They don't live locally to us though, and neither do any of my family.

We are a great couple most of the time, and I fully accept that sometimes we will argue and that it is healthy to do so, but I hate having the same arguments over and over again.

My family have never commented on his behaviour. They are prepared to love him because I do as well as for all his own good points.

It is terribly sad to think that living with a depressive can be hell when it is me that is the depressive in this case. I am constantly kicking myself up the arse to stop the tiredness and blackness and I do everything I can not to drag dh down with me. I suppose that I just have to accept that sometimes I can't do enough.