How to know when your partner's drinking is a problem

[jacinta1]

My partner, like many, enjoys an alcoholic drink. He never gets really drunk but he is a social drinker. Enjoying a few drinks in the evening. The last year his drinking has been about 4 drinks every night. Depending on the strength of the drinks he will either be tipsy or not really an effect.
I have never liked his drinking habits, we are poor and they cost us a fortune when I am trying to save. He is a wonderful boyfriend in every other way and this really is the only issue in our relationship. I think that's what upsets me also, he could be so amazing and our relationship has so much potential.
When I fell pregnant I was told I could need to go to hospital at any time as I had a high risk pregnancy due to blood loss. The doctor told him he must never be above the alcohol limit for driving. He agreed to this but I soon realised he was secretly drinking more than he was told to. He would buy wine while doing the food shopping and store it in the back of the cupboard. He would top up his wine glass so it looked like he was on the same glass. I discussed it with him and he said he was only having a glass or two of wine and he never gets drunk so it's not a problem.
I gave birth last week and because I don't want him tipsy around our baby I told him he wasn't to drink. We also don't have the money. He has been doing the same thing! Despite the fact we have the most beautiful boy, he has still got alcohol very much on his mind. He has gone for a 'few' drinks with friends tonight and will be home tipsy and he has been drinking in the evening while in charge of the baby.
When I suggest we go for a walk he suggests going to the pub (with a baby under one week). He really, really likes a drink but doesn't ever get really drunk. However when I am telling him not to he still does it and hides drink etc. He doesn't seem to worry that I could leave.
If I did leave he would be devastated. Maybe I need to just leave for him to wake the hell up.
I am tee total so am not sure. Is he an alcoholic? Does he have a problem? How can I deal with this situation?

You're an alcoholic when your drinking impacts negatively on other parts of your life, and you either refuse to see it, or do but can't stop.
• He's spending money on drink that his family needs - negative impact.
• He sneaks drinks & lies about it - damages the relationship, and shows he can't stop.
• He risked not being able to get you to hospital - refusal to admit impact, and couldn't stop.

I am not one of this forum's hard-liners on alcoholism, but in your case I'm afraid I feel you'd be wise to end the relationship.

Addicts love their substance/behaviour more than any human being. It's not their conscious choice, and it is desperately sad.

I'm sorry.

Leaving aside the actual quantity or frequency of alcohol he repeatedly promises to change and then cheats on the promise. So he's dishonest, unreliable, can't be trusted and - very important - doesn't respect you enough to take you seriously. Whether you call it alcohol abuse, alcoholism, heavy drinking or some other name is irrelevant really. When you're with someone like this life will be one big sequence of let-downs.

I have to agree. His units may not be massively overly the weekly recommendation (although I don't believe you have a very accurate picture of his consumption) but he is choosing to do it when you simply cannot afford it, when there are practical reasons not to do it, and when he has agreed not to do it.

The two sorts of people who never get very drunk are those who drink a little and those who drink a lot. His behaviour is not that of a light drinker.

Unfortunately there is no way to get a problem drinker to face up to his or her problem until he/she is ready. You might find this book helpful for you.

Hi there
Sorry to hear what you're going through, I'm just coming to terms with the fact that my alcoholic husband is never going to change and am having to make some very hard decisions right now.
It seems an alcoholic (and I'm afraid your partner is very much an alcoholic) will only change if they want to and by staying with him and not changing anything in your relationship you are effectively rewarding bad behaviour.
Take some time apart, is there anywhere he can stay? Make it clear why you need this space and what you expect him to think about during this time. If he wants to keep you both he needs to change.
The fact he is drinking in secret is concerning because he is lying to you and how can you possibly have a relationship without trust?
Good luck x

jacinta, your DP is an alcoholic.

The best way for you to deal with this, is to accept that this is the case and accept that you are not responsible for it and you can't change it - only he can.

And to call al-anon who have seen it all before and can give you informed and useful advice.

My XP was an alcoholic with a very similar drinking style to your DP's. For years he functioned at a level where it was difficult to see he was one, but at some stage, the drinking inevitably gets out of control and in his case, it was the realisation that I expected him to be a responsible parent. At the mo, your baby is only a week old (congratulations btw so still a novelty, but chances are when reality dawns and he realises that he has to function as a father (and that may take a couple of years) that's when he'll lose control.

You really don't want to be around when that happens. So either get rid of him, or insist he acknowledges his alcoholism and gets help to stop drinking.

Good luck.

If alcohol is causing problems, them you have an alcohol problem.

But it is his problem to sort out.

Make it clear it is not on to spend family money on drink or to be in sole charge of his son while he is over the drink drive limit - and see what he says.

But absolutely key is to take care of YOURSELF FIRST.

Many congratulations on your little one