How to control the hate

[Nora2012]

I'll make no bones about it, maybe it will make me feel better to let it out, I HATE my MIL, the thought of her anywhere near my child makes my blood pressure rise, and I break out in a sweat. It keeps me up at night I have bad dreams about it. Short of being a genocidal manic, she's possibly the worst person on the planet. She is rude, offensive, bossy, ignorant, racist and quite frankly not very bright. She doesn't respect me as a parent and ignores any/all my wishes and breaths her smelly smoke breath at my beautiful innocent baby. They turn up uninvited to my home and let themselves in, now I find out she's turned up every day this week at my poor mothers house as DM's been looking after DD. How do I cope with the anger and hate I feel towards this woman.

Firstly, make sure you and your partner are on the same page. He needs to know how unhappy you are.

Secondly, tell them that you don't want them calling in unannounced. (letting themselves in unannounced? ewww!) If they don't respect that - change the locks, or at the very least don't ask them to sit down and stay and act as if you were going out. If they make themselves at home anyway, then you're going to have to change the locks.

Thirdly, you simply have to tell them they cannot just turn up at your mother's like that. And she has to tell them. Both of you do.

Decide what level of contact you are comfy with. Once a week? Ok, maybe you would rather they were out of your life altogehter, but that is kind of a hard thing. Tell them that.

If they are likely to become highly argumentative / unpleasant then well, you have extra grounds for reducing contact. Don't let yourself be bullied.

You have the right to control how much contact goes on in what circumstances. You and your partner together. you do also have the power. You simply have to exercise it. It might be hard to negotiate the waves this makes, but you'll be in a much better position after.

At the moment you're so filled with hate it's doing you no good at all and probably by extension your child, simply because you are so overstressed.

how is your partner in all this?

I mean, tell them they can visit once a week but have to respect you. Not tell them that you'd rather they were out of your baby's life altogether. that would cause the feathers to fly!

Oooooffff, this is a hard one. Firstly you've done the right thing venting here rather than at her. Walking away from a situation until you're calm enough to deal with it is the most important thing.

Next, my advice would be that your DH addresses it, pronto. Chances are your MIL doesn't have much care for you either and she would probably relish in telling her DS how mean you are to her. To avoid a massive row it has to come from him and he has to stick up for you. In terms of what he chooses to say... As always, pick your battles. Good luck.

He is of the same opinion, possibly not quite as strongly, but she's bullied him his entire life he's scared to stand up to her. We see them at least once a week but she's always telling DH and anyone who knows us how she never gets to see DD. They had a key from years ago which I've taken back, I stated to lock the door after they let themselves in but last week they came round the and the conservatory door was open for the dog. Last time I tried to block the front door as we were eating tea and said it wasn't a good time but she pushed passed me and ignored what I'd said. I just don't think I can keep my cool anymore. I agree this is going to effect DD, we should be cherishing all the time DH and I have with her, as we're both back at work but then our weekends have this horrible thing hovering over us. It's not right. DH and his brother comment on what a lousy mother she was why would I want that for my DD?

You sound as if you're being very restrained in giving her her character. I wouldn't be any more. (Verbally at least.)

dear god, she pushed past you?

get a chain for the door - doors. All of them. And don't open the door unless its on.

in this situation where she is hassling your mother as well, you may even want to consider sending her a formal letter telling her to back off and that you will let her know when she can visit and to keep away from your mother. And then to approach a solicitor if need be to get them to stay away. Because this is major harassment.

Im sorry to say you're likely to have a real fight on your hands here. I think you and your husband need to sit down and think about what sort of level of relationship you want, what she's likely to say when she hears this, and how you will cope with the shitstorm that follows. Plan how to handle it, best case and worst case. Then it wont come as a horrible surprise and be even harder and more stressful to handle.

I'd be tempted to stick a foot out and let her fall over it if she actually forced her way into my home. Im angry on your behalf here!

Thank you for letting me get it off my chest. That was much needed, not I just need to start being more vocal and less passive aggressive.

Surprised you haven't torn her into six pieces by now actually :o

change the locks asap - you need personal space

tell her it is inappropriate to harrass your mother and to not be so obsessive

or better yet - get dh to do it

yy to chain on the doors!

I feel sorry for your mum! what did she say?

DH has the patience of a saint and is trying to do what she can to keep the peace while I know she agrees with me also. I don't want to cut contact completely, if DD does when she's old enough I'll be relieved but its not really for me to do. I just need to keep her safe and maintain my sanity till then.

Sorry should have been DM had the patience of a saint. (But they both do really).

Reading your OP, why don't you want to cut contact? I wouldn't be putting up with all that.

She bursts into your mums house too?!
She needs to learn to respect boundaries.