Do You Covet Certain “Firsts” with your Kids or Let Relatives Do Whatever?

[FixItUpChappie]

I have a bit of a tangled relationship with my mum so I sometimes question whether I am being fair and reasonable with her. In short I find her competitive with me - I’d describe her as a “one-upmanship” type. Since having kids, I feel that she is always trying to prove herself the best parent etc. Its a bit overbearing.

My two are young so are in the realm of “firsts”. I feel like I’m in competition with her to try and do things before she gets to them IYKWIM? Last year she asked to have my eldest over then dressed him up in a special Christmas outfit and took him to Santa before we did for example. Had professional photos taken and posted them everywhere and sent them to all our family. She buys them Easter baskets and Christmas stockings and is always trying to do first things with them.

We usually try to step in and say, no, wait till we can all go together – we don’t exclude grandparents from anything but she seems to mostly enjoy things if she can get the kids on their own and then go on about how she has already done a, b and c with them….as if perhaps we wouldn’t have thought of it.

So Halloween is on Thursday – my husband has taken the afternoon off so we can do some family crafts, carve pumpkins etc before taking our eldest on his first trick or treating outing. My mum has rung to ask if she can have him the day before – she has bought him a pumpkin to decorate and wants to do Halloween baking and crafts with him. Basically, what we are planning for the next day. I want to say no. She only wants him to relive her parenting days IMO.

I know it must seem petty to some – “oh she bought things for them the horror!” I just have trouble expressing the competitive feel of it. I wonder if I just project it on her sometimes. I don’t know…does this resonate with anyone else? Is it too precious for words to say no to the Wednesday thing?

Move away or involve her less in your life. How much your mother is involved in your life is completely within your control as is how much you tell her about your life.
If you feel she is overinvolved then change that, keep your private life more private and if something she wants to do isn't convenient just say no.
This is easily solvable, you just have to be less of a people pleaser and break away from your parents a bit.

All our relatives are very hands off so it's not an issue here! Tbh I'm not that sentimental about 'firsts' but the halloween thing would have irritated me because it's so pushy, just tell her you're busy

This thread makes me sad. My alcoholic mother died 3 months before I became pregnant with DC1.

My father has to get a weekend pass from his girlfriend before he can visit.

DH's parents are quite elderly and my dad is likely to be the only GP they will remember (or not if he never visits). I think I could handle a few firsts being shared around.

Sounds like your mum is very proud to be a grandma and is perhaps trying a bit too hard. Can I borrow her?

Agree with stepmoostet. I would love my kids to have an involved granny like that. You are so lucky that she enjoys them.

My MIL does this... she lives in another country, and quite purposefully tries to do the firsts with my DD when she is here / we are there. Why just spending time with her isn't enough I don't know, although I do understand that it comes from a place of love -- not being around to have the opportunity to see any firsts, and wanting the chance to see them.

However, attempting to force my 8-week-old PFB to stand so she can say she taught her to do it was a bit much! Another memorable one was the time she baked a huge first birthday cake with a candle and brought it out at the end of a family meal, getting everyone to sing happy birthday, encouraging her to blow out the candle etc etc.....DD was 10 months old! Again, I know it was because she couldn't be there for her actual first birthday. But somehow it grates that this was her first birthday cake/candle, and not one that we'd made and planned for her!