So bloody insecure.

[NoSplashNoGash]

Oh I always have been, but now I'm pretty addicted to mumsnet, some of these threads fill me with horror.

It looks like men cheat because they can, because they're bored, because they're pissed, because they're egged on during a stag do, because they want to, because someone makes a pass at them. Men can have the most perfect lives and still shag someone else. They can be "normal", faithful, loving husbands and then for some reason decide to have an affair. I feel sick for the women on these boards who are left to pick up the pieces, and I don't really get how they do it. Hats off to these ladies, btw.

I never think I'm good enough, never have. I could spend 5 hours getting ready and still be upset that my hair doesn't look right. As a consequence, I don't understand how DP can like me so much. He's always affectionate, close, always wants me sexually (sorry if tmi) but I just don't get it. I'm only 24, but we've had three babies and I don't know why the fuck he's with me, stretchmarked me with saggy boobs, when technically he could go and fuck/be with the perfect girl (he's quite popular round here, in an everyone-knows-him type way).

We're engaged, but I'm actually terrified to marry him because I think once we're married then I really am the stereotypical wife who is too tired for sex and nothing like the risk-taking, exciting girl he met. And this all boils down to me being absolutely convinced he will cheat on me eventually.

Don't know why I wrote all this down, was good to get it out I suppose. Congratulations to anyone still reading!

Truth is that partners can good, bad or anywhere in between. That's why it's important not to define yourself by a partner or through a partner but to believe in yourself and like yourself. It doesn't actually matter if your personality has changed or your body has changed as long as you're happy in your skin. If you're happy in your skin it doesn't actually matter if he approves or not.... because if he didn't approve you'd tell him to take a hike.

If you don't want to get married, don't get married. If you're only 24 now and you have 3 DCs I'm guessing you got together pretty young and you haven't spent much time being independent. Maybe 2014 should be designated your 'gap year' to go out and do something just for you ... learn a new skill, join a group, attend a course... build your confidence. If he loves you, he'll support you.

Thank you Cogito, wise as always.

Thats a good idea, you know, and 2014 is fast approaching... He would definitely support me. In fact he's the one always trying to encourage me to go out/meet friends/do something new but I'll often make excuses just to stay in.

Liking myself would solve a whole lot of problems in my life...

I wouldn't worry about getting married nosplash - i think having children and getting older change you more than a ring on your finger!
I haven't got much advice I'm afraid but I was a bit like you at 24 and I think confidence comes with age, I'm 35 now and much more outgoing and confident than I was 10 years ago. Your partner obviously loves you. How about reading some books on self esteem to raise your opinion of yourself? I used a confidence hypnosis cd when I was younger and it worked for me, maybe a placebo effect but who cares, it worked!

Hi your post struck a chord with me so I thought I would add my thoughts.

I'm in my late twenties and really starting to blossom so I can promise that confidence does come with age. I know people say it- I thought I would never say that but it is true. You'll realise that you are pretty fab!

Your other half sounds great so maybe confide in him how you feel about the future and your fears of him cheating? Hopefully he will put your mind at rest and reassure you. I guess every marriage has its up and downs and I'm sure there will be tough times but also good ones. Also, it sounds like you are managing fine at the moment so why do you think marriage will change that?

He may see the changes in your body as the signature your children have left - the ones you created together.

Its great that he wants you to go out. I'm an introvert and quite happily don't go out but its great to get out every now and then. You could maybe do something small (like going out for coffee) and building up from there. I think the new year is the time colleges offer adult classes, including ones for fun, so maybe that is something you could look into.

There are some good books out there. even just having a skim through could give you a few ideas. You could maybe looking into a little counselling if you wanted but I stand this can be a touch expensive/ time consuming.

You could start by finding 1 or 2 things you like about yourself and reminding yourself every day. And yes there must be some!

Good luck and please don't be so hard on yourself! :)

Someone wise on here said something that has stuck with me:

Never borrow trouble from tomorrow.

It's so true. Try to live a little in the moment and enjoy what you have.

I think sometimes everything you read can make you paranoid . If you never realised what men are like you wouldn't think in this way. You would probably trust your OH more coz you wouldn't have your mind constantly comparing him to other men ! Enjoy your relationship rather than ruin it with the thoughts of what other men are upto. Those men aint your man op . If you trust him hopefully he will be one of the very few good ones . Why worry about something that hasn't happened :)

Remember you only see the worst on the Relationship boards.

Presumably your three children were wanted and at least partially planned? Your DP has signed up to being in a family at a young age. Presumably he's happy with that and loves and respects you now as a mother figure, not the risk-taker he met. Maybe give him credit for maturing and being ready to settle down, and not wanting to chase "exciting" randoms all over town.

You must remember that the people who start threads in Relationships are the people going through hell for whatever reason - those of us lucky enough to be in happy marriages aren't starting threads saying "I'm in a happy marriage". It's not a representative sample of the MN population. Not all men are unfaithful wankers, really. There are good ones out there and it sounds like you've found a good one - please try to just enjoy that.

That is very true Hassled I have only really started threads when I was desperately unhappy and now I am with a lovely DP and life is good I don't need to. I chip in on other people's threads to try and give back some of the help I had myself.

OP don't go looking for trouble! Have you sat your DP down and told him how you feel? He may be feeling you can't love him now he has a solid middle/bald patch/set of golf clubs or whatever too. Perhaps you need a planning meeting with him to get you out of the mummy rut you have fallen in and rebuild your love of yourself.

Wow, thank you for the replies. Will try to respond to everyone.

Notnastypasty - I do actually have a self-esteem book on the kindle, but haven't looked at it for about 18 months! So that could be a start. I do hope confidence comes with age, I seem to have lost confidence so far! Can't believe I'm the same person whom everybody at my old school would have described as crazy and loud...

Hogibear27 - I'm ashamed to say that not only have I discussed these feelings with DP, I've also gone on and on about it and even insinuated that he's "probably already cheated on me". It's like a self-destruct button, and he gets seriously pissed off when I get to that point. Marriage wise, we've been seriously thinking about it but he just passed his interview into the Navy, where the officer who interviewed him strongly recommended we marry. So it's sort of come up again. Also it is my dream to study again so may have to push myself soon! Fwiw DP appears to love my post baby body... Apparently it makes me "more of a woman"!

Matildathecat - thought I was pretty clued up with sayings but I've never heard that one before and I like! Thank you.

Getmeout - I'm seriously bad for worrying about things that may/may not happen in 400 years. DP is so laid back, and I'm a ridiculous worrier. I don't know how he does it!

Alittlestranger - yes the children were planned (well, the middle one was a little unexpected!) and to be honest, the eldest isn't biologically his, so he took on a lot at 19 (now 22). He did a lot of his "chasing" in his teenage years and says its behind him now... Insecure me thinks one day he'll be bored of me and want to go back to this!

Hassled - you're right, I just suppose I never imagined I would end up with somebody half decent. My twat of a mother always told me I'd end up with someone who'd treat me like shit, and that's what I deserved as I was such a disgusting scrubber/bitch (yep, pretty sure she's the cause of these delightful insecurity issues!).

Kouign - your post made me laugh, in a good way. DP is very self confident, but not in an arrogant way. Plus he's not a worrier. So I don't think he's really self-conscious of anything, lucky sod! However this: Perhaps you need a planning meeting with him to get you out of the mummy rut you have fallen in and rebuild your love of yourself struck a chord with me. Maybe if I did make the effort to not be "just a mum" then some confidence would return.

Thanks though guys, this is a horribly self-indulgent thread!

Hi OP. Not a lot to add, but the thing about marrying once he joins up?

It has two advantages: he will progress further and faster in his career, because married men are regarded as steadier. Which is sadly a bit 50s, but there you go. The other one is that military wives as opposed to gfs have their rights set in stone. If there is untowardness of any sort, you'll have official support.

HTH.

I married DH essentially because the Navy tipped the balance. It didn't change who I was or who we were, apart from the stress of a sodding huge wedding to please the family.

I was also a neurotic and mildly depressed 24year old. Things change - your abilities will change, especially if you're going to study, and your priorities will change. 3 kids is a lot to handle and being a parent produces all kinds of uncertainty too, but you've probably seen as your eldest has grown up how your confidence in parenting has increased. Life is a bit like that.

If you don't want to go out then don't. Noone says you have to enjoy the company of others if you don't want to. Find an activity you enjoy for its own sake and want to do but that can be at home.

One thing though - and this is semi-related to confidence - you have to trust your DP, especially if he's joining up. Even if you think you're worth nothing (and you definitely are worth lots!) accept that he needs you and he needs you to trust him.

Disgrace - thank you, I was clueless to all of that. Another reason for me is that I know it sounds morbid but I definitely want to be his next of kin if a situation arose.

Whatabeautifulpussy - that's true, I'm really going to have to solve this trust thing if he goes away! Apparently the branch he's planning on going into is mainly uk based, but still.