35 and single again. Please - some positive stories?

[LittleMouseontheDairy]

I recently ended things with ex-DP because I pushed an issue that we had been dancing around - that being whether he would be happy to have another baby. He said 'no' categorically. As I am 35 and have been desperately wanting another DC I called it a day immediately. (To be fair this was helped by the fact the relationship had other complications and I'm not sure he was very good to me. I think I stayed partly for the prospect of another child.)

It's only been a week and I'm pretty up and down. Mainly I feel really low about being 'back there'. I.e. single again. I'm fed up of having to pick myself up and be positive (this will be my 4th failed relationship) and I'm more scared than I was 3 years ago about my prospects given that I am older and the 'pool' is smaller (shallower??)

Obviously I knew that leaving DP didn't mean I would ever have another child. It just means I have the vague possibility.

I am desperately lucky to have DS, I know that. This is stopping me from losing it entirely. The last break-up I had before this was utterly hideous because it was a shock (this one was on the cards) and I was single AND child-free while all my friends were announcing pregnancies/ engagements etc.

Sorry if this is a bit garbled. But I would really appreciate some positive stories about meeting nice men at 35 and maybe being able to have the happy family life I so desperately want. I need some help picking myself up from this that doesn't come in the form of a large glass of wine

Well I was single between 30 and 33 and had no kids after ending an 11 year relationship. Most of my friends had kids, were married or engaged but I must admit I was really laid back about it all. I focused on my career and my attitude was if it happened and i met someone great and if not then fine. I met my DH when I was 33 and we are due to have our first DC in January. I am 37 now.

So it can happen op. There are still some great guys out there..

I think you need to do some work on yourself first.

I don't mean to sound cruel or unkind, but you may think I am.

But you have booted out your child's father because he wouldn't have another child, you are 'desperate' to have had another child but are relieved the relationship is over because there were 'other complications' ??

And just a week later you want to get back in the saddle and hear some 'positive stories' about the chances of meeting a fresh new hunk?

I think you need to clear some space for you, decide what you really want out of life and whether or not you want to continue to chase relationships at the expense of your own self worth and self knowledge.

My XH and I split up when I was 35. I am 38 now and have been in a relationship with a lovely man for the past 18 months. I gave myself some time to get on with my life and then managed to find him.

It is rubbish splitting up but I am a lot happier than I was before.

Thanks for the positive stories.

Spero - I don't think you are being unkind and I agree that I need to get my head straight. It was messed up that I was staying in a relationship with a man who wasn't quite right just because I wanted another child. I knew that at the time, and I am pretty sure I would not have gone through with it anyway. But when he closed off the prospect it spurred me into action that I should have taken earlier.

I'm not looking to get back in the saddle right away, but I would like to hear some positive stories to help me during this time of 'getting over' things and sorting myself out. I know full-well that first and foremost I have to love/ like/ respect myself before I can get into another relationship.

The thing is, that what I want out of life is a happy family life. Like the one I have with my parents and siblings. That's why it's important to me to achieve that. But I definitely agree that I can't do it at the expense of my own self-worth. I won't make that mistake again.

I was single between 33-36, no kids or anything. I met DP on my 36th birthday, having been happily single in that time. I wasn't desperate to meet anyone, nor was I desperate to have a child.
DD was born in February, 6 weeks shy of my 40th birthday. We're very happy and this is a life which I never expected to want - let alone have. We're now thinking about a second DC (or at least I am!!)
The key IMO is to be happy in your own skin and to like yourself, your own company and so forth. Once you have achieved that you can reasonably expect other people to want to be around you and like you too.

I'm afraid I agree with Spero. Maybe prioritise the reasons you want to be with a man, other than as a baby-father? Love, things in common, enjoyment of being together? Don't you need time to take stock after your relationship ending? There are other things in life than having a family (and you already have one).

You're right LessMissAbs.
Posting here has been a very quick, bracing, therapy session.
I sound awful in the OP.
Am going to take stock, and just focus on being a good mother to DS.
Thank you for your words, and the positive stories were nice too - thank you everyone!

What were the "complications?" if he was abusive it is a good thing you left. If not surely your ds right to live with both parents is more important than your desire for another child.

I think I'm a positive story! I feel like it anyway!! I left my partner of 12 years as he didn't want children. I was 36 and childless. Married at 38, had dd at 41 and became a stepmum to a 4 year old.

Left him too! I dared to dream that I could have the life and relationship I wanted. Had to work on myself before I believed I deserved it but when I had I met the most wonderful man at 50. I now have a great life. Dsd lives with me full time and we are all the happiest we've ever been.

It's never too late to change your life.

I am really reassured reading your replies that you are more in control of your life than I feared!

It is easy to get despondent in post breakup misery throes and fall victim to the thought that everyone else is so happy in their lovely shiny relationships etc, when of course they are not.

A relationship is no guarrantee of happiness or stability. You are not a failure if you are not in one.

Have a break, concentrate on your son and being kind to yourself and take stock later.

I had my fifth failed relationship at 34. Met DP at 35. We're really happy, moving into a new home soon and we are ttc.

I felt so despondent to be childless and back out there at 34, nearly 35. But life has a funny way of working out

I wish you well in your next chapter OP.

this thread is really interesting to me and reassuring. I'm just about yo be single parent with two dd after 13yrs together, aged 36. I don't want it now but hope in coming yes I too can find the happiness lots of people have said they found. good luck. you arent alone

True, I know only too well how easy it is to fall into that trap you mention Spero. It does seem as if I am surrounded by friends in really good relationships, but perhaps I don't know everything. But anyway, I know I shouldn't define myself by whether I'm in a relationship or not. And I WILL just focus on me and DS for the time-being.
Some lovely positive stories! And good luck to you too Ett36

I am 36, a newlywed and 34 weeks pregnant with my first baby.

When I was 35 I was single (again) and making a fresh start in a new flat (again!).

A chance meeting at an art exhibition changed my life and I can't believe how lucky I am.

I hope you won't mind me saying that plenty of women don't find a partner between ages 35 and 40, but they still have rich, happy and fulfilling lives. Maybe you'll meet someone, maybe you won't, but don't think it's necessarily a disaster if you don't meet a new man in time to have more children.

I met my husband when I was 34 (nearly 35), now 38, happily married with two children 21mo and 7wo. He had just come out of a 14 year relationship, neither of us had children or been married before.
We might have rushed the babies as I was worried about my age, but it's all been fun.

Good idea to focus on you and DS for now, OP.

I am 37, newly single with 4 dcs, and am taking a big long break from relationships, which can last forever as far as I care. There are lots of advantages to being single which you can enjoy for the moment.

And maybe you'll attract someone's attention when you're not even looking.

Good luck OP. I am newly single too and in my 30s. I wonder where those with young children would meet a new partner? It seems unlikely I'll meet someone while in the park with a 2yo...