How do I stop being afraid?

[Lipstickpowderandpaint]

I left my h four months ago, I filed for divorce before I left, I had every intention of staying the home for the sake of dcs and cause that's the advice, however he made life unbearable and was verbally and finally physically abusive so I left, on hindsight I think that was his intention:( now I am realising he was emotionally abusive over the years and a bully, all very subtle though. Now I am out I am finding he is still bullying me, I am still afraid of him, I am afraid to say no to any requests he has made in relation to the children during mediation because the minute I stand up for myself and dcs over anything I am shot back down with the reason that it's 'what he wants', one of the reasons I wanted out was because he can't comit to a weekend day off with us and it's the same now-I have to wait for him to tell me which day he would like them at the beginning of the week:(he has not contributed financially towards the children since we left, he knows I won't ask for anything, it's silly as he has kept things like brand new boxes of washing powder I bought and could do with for dcs-that sounds ridiculous I know! How do I stop being afraid? I have left, I am getting on with life although I know there is a lot to come but how do I stand up and be firm? When will I be able to face him? I can't atm, all contact is through email and it's only about dcs, when I do see him to collect and drop off dcs I can't even look at him, while he is all jolly and cheerful as if nothing has happened and it's all in my head:( any advice much appreciated, thanks for reading:)

What exactly are you afraid of?

What do you think will happen if you say no and stand up for yourself?

Try it one at a time. Make a list of what you want.

Start telling him what days the children will be available, unless he commits to the same days. The children will benefit from it.

And if he misses one allocated weekend it's his problem.

Why hasn't he given you anything for the children?
Go straight to CSA and it's out of your hands. No need to deal directly with him.

I don't know, he just seems to be able to get all he wants and has good reasons, however I think he should be arranging set days each weekend, arranging his work around the children after all they are apparently his priority, he has suddenly become the model father. I am afraid to ask for stuff back, I don't know exactly why - possibly of being told no? Or being laughed at
I am about to start a list, thank you for that:)

I wouldn't want to ask for stuff back either, TBH. Not worth the aggro.
Unless they are your valuable items, in which case, I'd report to the police if he doesn't bring them back or allow collection.

It's up to you about the days. If you need a routine, say to get a job, or because it will be better for the children, then insist on it.
If he was a single parent he'd have to work around the children so, I'm sure he can plan his time better.
If you set for every other weekend, for example, if he can't his weekend, then don't swap, or demand sufficient warning that is acceptable for you.

Start saying no.

You are right, I have my valuable stuff back but had to ask for it - literally ask him. I need the routine because I have to and want to get a job, I also feel that the children need a routine and know when they will see him. These are all things we had problems with and I really don't see why I should continue with the same issues now:( going to have to start finding the courage to say no, working on my list and all the reasons-they are all valid reasons I am not being unreasonable but I suppose if it's not what he wants as far as he is concerned its unreasonable, thank you:)

You need to stop engaging with him and use a solicitor (if you can afford it).

get the legal process moving on set visitation days and maintenance.

Show him you are not afraid by being very matter of fact and not backing down. having a strongly worded letter from a solicitor might just do the trick.

When it comes to the small stuff - ignore.

he thinks he can control you even if you are gone. You need to show you are in control. I can't imagine how hard that must be - but meekly giving in is just going to spur him on.

Did you report his physical and mental abuse? you should consider this as it will give him less room to move in negotiations.

My experience of dealing with exH is that being tough pays up. Taking no shit and even being bitchy (IMO).
When he simply didn't contact DS without warning, I told him that he'd need to confirm the day before that he was going to contact. The following time, I turned off skype just to prove a point. It was actually hard for me, but he's been a lot better keeping up the arranged times and giving advance warnings.
The more shit we take, the more they send our way. So take none.