Are there any decent ones out there?

[EllieInTheRoom]

Don't get me wrong, I am so not ready to set up shop yet, but this question has been on my mind since yesterday.

Me and H split last week, it's for good, it's what I wanted/needed. He's an EA porn addict apparently. For a long time I have been fantasising about a life of peace and celibacy in a lovely stress free house with my DS who is nearly two. Ah bliss!

But well meaning friends and relatives have raised the question, what would happen if....you met somebody else?

To be honest, I can't see it. I know MN gives you a distorted view of things, but Christ it seems so rare. Plus I have couple of friends who are ATM in unhealthy relationships. My DSis was divorced a few years ago. She is actually moving in with her new man in a couple of months but because of things that have happened in their relationship, at the back if my mind I think she is settling.

But...although it seems an attractive proposition now, I had never really envisaged me spending my life alone.

At 31 it seems a bit premature to bin my lucky drawers and after a week ofnseparation it's way too soon to put them on again I know.

But for that time in the distant future, when I may or may not feel ready, what are the chances?

I just feel like I would like to read some positive stories

I met DP online when I was 32, we are now engaged and marrying next year. I have never felt as loved, appreciated, adored, respected and valued as much as he makes me feel. It's phenomenal. When we first started speaking I thought 'he's nice, be a decent friend I reckon'. We met, I still thought, 'yeah, be a great friend' but 5 weeks later, I fell head over heels, never thought it possible.

They ARE out there, men and women. Just sift through the chaff, nice guys/girls exist in plenty.

Firstly congratulations on getting your life back on track, you and DS deserve good times and you'll be a great team. For now let yourself recover and build up family links and friendships, if you're working give it your best.

Secondly I struck lucky with DH so far so good but those of my friends who for various reasons split up have nearly all found worthy partners. Those who are still single have been single out of choice, not settling.

31 and your head is screwed on and you'll know when it's time to get out there again. Set the pace and your radar will ping if you meet another shark.

Good luck hope you regain confidence and find someone who gives back as much as you give them.

I wouldn't even think about it if I were you. Just enjoy the you time, and if well meaning types ask, tell them it'll happen if and when the time is right.

And there are good and bad out there. If you use your noddle when the time feels right, you won't have a problem.

I really think you have to take other people's interest in your love life with a huge pinch of salt. It's nothing to do with them. I'm 18 years technically single but have managed to become a mother (whoops!) and enjoyed quite an interesting sequence of gentlemen callers in that time. Enough to keep me entertained but not enough to frighten the horses. No-one lives with me and that suits me at the moment. When DS leaves home, maybe I'll feel differently.

I think family and friends are mildly confused that I'm not following the traditional trajectory of women but apparently I'm slightly intimidating IRL so they don't say anything. Unless you retreat to a convent you will probably 'meet someone' therefore, but my positive message is that where you choose to take it from there is entirely your call.

Another '18 years single' here - one or two relationships along the way but nothing cohabiting or with any chance of going the distance . Family and friends stopped asking if I'd 'met anyone' some time ago, which is a bit sad really cos it implies they've given up hoping on my behalf! . There's not much to choose from in your 50s - I didn't actively 'look' when I was newly divorced in my 30s too busy raising family and earning a living ; maybe I should have done. Would have been better for me, but I suspect not so good for my DCs. We'll never know!

Thanks everyone. It's really not that I am seriously considering going on the hunt now, but more that a couple of these comments have made me, for the first time, a bit worried about the future.

My DF said something about how I had condemned myself to a life of loneliness as a skint single mother and a friend said what if you meet somebody and had another child? DS would never be there's and would always be treated differently.

In the cold light of day, they sound like awful things to say. I shall ignore. Not what I want to be thinking about anyway. I have lots of friends, I love my work and DS is hilarious. Im happy with my lot.

Thanks for the nice stories, would love to read more later! Cog that sounds like a good life, it really does. I might become intimidating too

I'd echo what Cogito says. Although she's lived alone (with her DS) much longer than me, I've pretty much done the same thing for many years. There's a lot to recommend it.

However, I am in a non-cohabiting relationship, and while he has been kept at arms length for various reasons, I'm happy to state he's one of the good ones. We met in a professional context.

When you get past 30 I think it can become a bit more difficult to meet someone; more so past 35-40. That's because most people are already in relationships at this age. Most people don't stay single for very long (a few months maybe) because it's still a cultural norm to get coupled up. Of the ones who aren't, many of them will have good reasons for being single that mean they are best avoided. It takes some skill to sift through them and spot the red flags. However, good men definitely do exist. Try to keep a sense of perspective - people generally air their misery rather than their happiness, which can give you a very skewed perception on relationships. The happy ones are the ones you probably don't even notice.

For now though, I wouldn't recommend dating. IMO the longer you take to process this relationship breakdown, heal from it and re-establish your single person identity, the greater the chances of you meeting, recognising and attracting a decent man. And if you don't, you may well find that you like being single anyway.

Hope the healing process isn't too hard for you. Even though you want this, it is still hard to let go of a past life and grieve for the dreams lost.

Not many in their 50s walk? Go younger!!!

Sod what your ex and friend say! Utter tripe!

I have a 5 year old DD whom DP adores...she is not biologically his, but that's just fact, he treats her as his daughter through and through. He has said if we don't have one together, he wouldn't be bothered as he has a daughter, DD.

Just technicalities, I was a lone parent till I met him, it didn't bother him, and there are many others it doesn't bother!

"Of the ones who aren't, many of them will have good reasons for being single that mean they are best avoided."

OI!! I'm not best avoided! TBH I find the whole slightly intimidating/independent/happy in my skin persona means that men find me devastatingly attractive. Often the needy, pathetic sort of man I'll grant you....

Actually, having a child can be an asset. Any man who considers your child a difficulty is a man you really don't want. It's naive to think that children (especially if he has some too) won't mean slightly more complicated, but they are as much a part of the package as the fact you have blue eyes or whatever, and therefore to be considered an asset (especially as they make you in part who you are), not a burden.

I met my bf online last year, been a proper couple for 7 months now. Couldn't be happier.

I believe he is a good one. Accepts me for who I am, doesn't want me to change (like my stbxh did), gets on well with my DCs, respects me and we get on awesomely.

They are out there. And I think you learn a lot from past relationships (especially a marriage) to know what shit you won't put up with.

Thanks Dahlen when you said " grieve for dreams lost" I welled up because that is exactly what I feel like I am doing. Ive spent the last several months wanting to get out and being fed up of all the shite, but now I'm mourning all the things we wanted before it went wrong.

That sounds perfect bears

I've got lots of exciting work opportunities coming up soon, so I will just throw myself into that

I didnt meet my husband til i was what, 37 ws it? no, 35? we were friends for a couple of years first before anything more, cause he's quite a few years younger than me and the age gap put me off. But we did end up togehter. Once I moved in with him, he became less a prince and more of a frog- no, a toad - but once he realised that our relationship was on the rocks, he made heroic efforts to change. And I do believe it was mostly him needing to change, though usually its never one-sided. Now I've learned to love him all over again and he's being wonderful, and the change is genuine.

Lots of stories here to show the good uns do exist :) and even if the goodun has feet of clay, even then things can turn around! ..... sometimes. If they really are a goodun and basically decent.

My first partner turned out to be an alcoholic. We split when our son was 2. I met a lovely man when DS was 5. Been married now for what seems like my whole life (25+yrs) and I intend for it to stay that way. DH treats me with love and respect. We have an equal partnership and I feel blessed at how my marriage has worked. Never had a good role model growing up and after my first failure I was paranoid I was doomed to follow in my parents footsteps. Radio 2 have just played May You Never by John Martyn. I am usually a hard nut me but my out of character appreciation of DH has made me feel all sentimental for everyone!

You're young OP, you've got plenty of time to enjoy your own space & recover from your previous relationship. You might find you naturally progress to thinking about dating or you meet someone along the way...

Friends of mine have had step-dads they preferred to their own fathers, so your friend is being ridiculous (as is your dad).

Blimey, you're only 31... not on the shelf just yet

My story is very similar to HairyGrotter - it's amazing what you can 'buy' on 'Tinternet these days

If you concentrate on having a wonderful life and being fabulous, the rest will fall into place. Don't listen to anyone else, have fun!

I am a man nearly 4 months out of a long marriage and at first I thought will i ever meet anyone again, I dont actively look to date and I have been out with 2 lovely ladies that I met while doing my job, it was fun but I don't want anything serious so happy to keep it at a distance and see how it goes.
I quite like the time on my own so I can do what I want, don't rush it will just happen when it happens.
Ps i am 10 years older than you

Ha! I do feel so much better, thanks! Im not sure why it bothered me because I have already decided anyway, I'm a Lone Ranger from now on. But it's nice to know there will be options.

Thanks everyone. And congratulations and good luck to all those who have found happiness xx

Im 42 and just starting again single. There must be hope ! Im hoping anyway :-)

i think when you're ready to get out there, just enjoy the dating process as it happens organically without a "specific goal" in mind?

a lot of the connections you make may be duds, you'll have some great stories, enjoy the experience and let it broaden your horizons?

i quite like dating for sport or "shits and giggle" as they say, it doesn't have to be "oh my god i'm either a SINGLETON or i'm a COUPLE"? also that kind of thinking leads one to settle for Mr. "dull but ok"?

the dating process can be fairly fun for meeting new people, just getting out, and really? eg the kind of man i "settled" for and genuinely thought was "my type" in my late teens, up to when i was about 26ish (and married ....eep! ) is definitely NOT the kind of man i'd choose now, but i used years of being single to refine my expectations?

of course being in love is great, but i think sometimes there's a "societal expectation" that single women HAVE to be taking finding a man incredibly seriously, i find it actually quite patronising and weird when i mention say....a bad date which has taken up something like two hours of my life...

...and then get a chorus of "oh hun it'll be fine, don't worry, there's someone out there, wot a bastard..." etc?

almost like you "owe" people misery anecdotes about it or a certain "expected reaction"? when i don't actually care that much, other things affect me more emotionally, but apparently single women need the "awww babe it'll be fine" headpatting routine? so be wary about how much you talk about it too, as well.

ps typo -last sentence should be "how much and who you talk about it to, as well"