dd asking for my mother

[SheldorAFK]

My mother uses to mind dd 5 days a week for 5 months. Our relationship used to be fantastic but in that time deteriorated and we're now not speaking. Only spoken 4 times since March. The reason was basically she undermined my parenting tried to turn dd against me and when I became pregnant again told me she wished I miscarried and wouldn't cope with 2 small children. She also said a whole load of other nasty things such as wishing my internal organs to fail.

After this I put dd in nursery and we've only spoken 4 times.

Dd however keeps asking me to call nana.shes 2 and has asked this eceryday for 3 weeks. I gave in and did 2 weeks ago and she hurled abuse at me.

What should I do? Her always asking me is breaking my heart.

Kids want a lot of things they can't have. That's part of being a parent, to make the decisions about what's good for them until they're old enough to make those decisions for themselves. Offsetting 'what a toddler wants' against 'mum being verbally abused' I think it's a no-brainer. She's 2 ... distract her with something else.

Thank you.

I agree with Cogito. How awful for you, having to put up with that! She sounds very strange, to say the least.

Little children are very adaptable, and remember, you are her world. She will get used to it, and I daresay she has love and security in spades from you.

Dd really wanted to do a forward roll down the stairs. I didn't let her. She didn't understand that it wasn't a good idea. Your dd doesn't understand either. I wouldn't be letting your mum anywhere near her or yourself. She sounds vile.

It does break my heart because obviously they were close but I'm not willing for her to see dd without having a relationship with me which she doesn't want. Im worried one day dd will aee her wnd my mother will tell her lies that I kept her away. Also when she asks for nana it upsets me as it reminds me that I have no relationship with my own mother.

I'm sure DDd will stop asking after time. She's probably doing it to wind you up anyway - kids have a knack for that!

She sounds fucking awful, OP.

Change the subject as soon as it's brought up.

If you're worried, tape conversations/keep texts etc to show DD if she asks when older.

Families being what they are, this is unlikely to be a forever thing. But to get from here to a good relationship I think you'll have to stand firm and not be guilt-tripped by a toddler into compromising your values. DM will probably be missing DD more than you think and that can be quite a powerful motivation to eat some crow...

When she's old enough to understand explain to her how things are first before your mother gets a chance, and before that keep your distance. She sounds horrible, don't give your mum the chance to be mean and let your daughter down too.

Your mother to be honest sounds either a) toxic or b) mentally unwell.

In either of those cases your DD is better off not seeing her.

She will stop asking after a while, except when she is reminded eg. when they have read a Katie Morag story at nursery etc.

So just be calm, be the adult and tell her "No you can't see Nan because she said some very nasty things to Mummy, and isn't Mummy's friend at present." Then move on.

Is there another relative about that you csn help her build a relationship with? Your mother soundd evil, I hope you are getting counselling. You are right to keeo dd away from her.

Sometimes being a mother really does tear the heartstrings :( its really hard when they keep asking you for someone they used to have and can't any more. Think you just have to hold the line and keep saying gently "It isn't possible, I'm sorry". and if she has got to the "why" stage, maybe answer "she is saying bad things at the moment" mayyyybe add " and she needs to stop that before we can see her again". Telling the truth is best I think, scaled down for a child's level. 2 is kind of hard to explain to though, admittedly :(

Im sorry your own mother is saying such awful, awful hurtful things and you -are- doing the right thing by staying away.

I have similar issues with my dd, shes 4 and asks where her other grandad is (my dad, we've been estranged for over 10 years so she has never even met him!) I just say he lives very far away and so it would be difficult to see him.

Maybe you could tell your dd that nannys phone is broken so you cant call. In time she will stop asking Im sure (as Im hoping my dd will!)