my partner is seriously depressed and I cant take it anymore

[justalilmummy]

Hes not interested in anything anymore he so horrible to me I cant cope with it much longer
I know its because hes depressed which makes him act the way he does but why should I have to be hes emotional punchbag?
He blames me for the fact he has no social life, because our son wakes at 5 apparently I should be stopping him doing this er how?
He doesnt want me and the kids around yet gets annoyed with us for going out on hes days off I cant win
If anything good happens in my life there he is putting a dampener on everything I feel guilty for being happy!
I cant cope with the way he suddenly blows up tells me I'm an awful person to live with, how I have ruined hes life and I have done this to him, hes drowning me I cannot cope
If ever im upset he doesnt care it's all about him he always manages to flip it back to him somehow
I have become this irritable grumpy and stressed jumpy person and it's not me I am usually very happy chilled out
We have a 9 week old and a 4 year old and I'm just getting to grips with it all, and I could really use some help but there he is all woe is me and giving orders on the sofa
I feel awful for feeling the way I do but hes bringing me down
Sorry dont expect any replys just felt good to vent to an anonymous space

Sounds awful. Is he getting help or on meds?

Does he have a diagnosis and medication?

Sorry to hear that, it sounds very difficult to deal with and v draining for you. It would appear its easier for him to blame you for his problems than look at himself. Would he be open to maybe having cognitive behavioural therapy and/ or taking anti depressants? Also do you have any support for yourself as its all a lot for you to cope with right now?

Take out the 'depression' and you've got a classic abusive reluctant co-parent

In truth I'm cynical after having 'depression' thrown in my face a lot lately, but this was by a manipulative, abusive bastard.

I've been depressed, and it didn't result in this level I'd nastiness by any means. I just felt very down on myself and in all my relationships, and pulled away from a lot of (actually very unhelpful) relationships.

He won't do anything to help himself, he was hospitalised for a week after having a mini breakdown about 18 months ago. He was discharged with anti-depressents took them for a week and now refuses to take them, was offered therapy will not take it
I feel so angry I dont want any of this hes awful to me so distant towards me yet has days where hes back to hes usual self
Just want all this to go away but he won't get any help and theres not alot I can do
I feel like running away alot of the time but I cant I love and care too much it breaks my heart to see him like this but if he isn't willing to help himself I cant keep living like this it's not fair on me or the kids

If he refuses to help himself then I think it's up to you to protect and look after yourself. What are your options if you decided to leave this relationship?

Depression is horrible and does limit the sufferer's ability to deal with things. However your DP still has a responsibility to himself and his family. It also does not excuse the abusive behaviour you describe. I'm not generally in favour of ultimatums but I think it is important that your DP understands that you can put up with this any longer.

can't put up with it any longer

I would be ok if we did split, hes living in my place so hewould be the one leaving
Ive just been with him so long I dont feel ive got the courage to really do it, and theres still a huge part that doesnt want to
I think I'm just hanging around in the hope things will improve one day, although deep down when I really think about it I know thats not going to happen, I'm just
silly really! I also feel incredibly guilty for feeling like this as I know it's not hes fault it's such a nix of emotions when hes back to himself for those odd days I'm so happy, when hes angry I hate him and just want him to leave, but when hes really down I just feel such sorrow for him
Sorry im going on just really helps to just write it down. and thankyou for your support everyone I really appreciate it

You don't need to feel guilty. If he refuses to accept help then it is right for you to protect yourself and your DCs. Has he explained why he is refusing meds / support?

This awful. With a 9 week old and a 4 year old you have enough to deal with already.

I agree that while ultimatums are not generally helpful, you need to protect yourself for your own sake and for your DCs, who need a more stable environment. He needs to get help.

Can you enlist one or both of yourhis families to help? One of his siblings or parents might be able to provide a lower pressure ear to talk to, could help encourage him to seek help and even provide practical help or a place to stay if he needs to be away while he gets well. Your family might also be able to give some practical support.

I know from experience that it can feel impossible to air dirty laundry in front of families, but it really doesn't sound like you can manage this all alone. If not families, then are there friends? Or even SS or his mental health team - at this point his actions do sound abusive, even if it is illness that is causing him to behave this way. for you

Thankyou sunnysummer
I do realise on my part I havnt been the most supportive recently but as u said I have 2 children one very young and I barely have time to take a shower let alone help him, and if I'm cocompletly honest I may put too much pressure on him, although it's only the day tk day things he cant handle it right now. But at the same time I feel so resentful that 90% of the responsibilities of the household/childcare is down to me I just feel like why do I have to do everything and if I ask for help with anything I have to nag which makes him snap, juat why!!! I realise that may be selfish of me but it's how I feel
I really dont want our relationship to end but hes getting worse
What I would like is for him to go back to hes mums to live for a while and come and see me and the children, which may take the pressure off him a bit.
I think I'm going to try discuss it with him when hes in the right mood and just hope he won't see it as me regecting him

If he doesn't help himself he doesn't deserve help. So, send him off to someone less loaded with his responsibilities, ie family or close friends that will insist he takes his medications, then he could come back when you're up to it. But don't stop loving or caring for him. Care for the family. You can't do it all.

I've suffered really badly from depression, but you shouldn't drag you loved ones down with you.

(I'm better now) :)

Lil, you sound like me, everything you have written down was me. You will be much better off (as will your children) without this ill person around.

My ex was soon diagnosed with bipolar after the catalyst of his mother staying with us for 3 month holiday (i'm in OZ) caused him to disappear for 3 days and nights. Her staying with us finally forced me to confront the failed marriage and not hide it. I can't stand exMIL but I thank God that she was here to force my hand.

Everything was my fault, his awful life in Australia, his bad back, his car accidents, his health, his drinking, his having affairs. But I kept going back and believing that 'things will get better'. They don't, they get worse and slowly you believe that everything is your fault and that you are the person causing him to say and behave appallingly. You are not that person. You are a caring, optimistic woman who wants a normal family life.

My ex would never have sought psychiatric help without the catalyst of me not allowing him back in the house and he couldn't bash the door down as his mum would see what he truly is. Though they are the same person through and through. The sun shines out of his ar*se.

Sorry off on my tangent. Be strong don't feel sorry for him if he ends up homeless, friendless, jobless and moneyless. You have sacrificed way too much of your life and yourself already. I too had a 4 year old and 4 month old when enough was enough.

Now negotiating with him is even worse as the mood swings affect the kids.

If he won't get medical help then all he's doing is being unpleasant, abusive and making your life a misery. No-one has the right to do that. Things won't improve if he's perfectly happy in the private hell he's created in your house. If you need help to get out then please talk to people... friends, family, and other agencies and plan your exit very carefully. The worst case scenario is that he could become aggressive when you try to leave and you have stay safe. At best, losing his family may be the motivation he needs to take his condition seriously.

What cog said.
OP I don't think you can help him, he has to help himself. In so sorry he's poorly but it's not ok for him to treat you like that because at some point, poorly or not, we all have to take responsibility for ourselves.
I'm not saying ltb but maybe you both need some space to try and look after yourselves for a bit.

You have been amazing through all this so stop putting yourself down, please. You're pretty much single-handedly bringing up a baby and a small child, keeping a home together, presumably feeding and cleaning up after your partner and actually managing to stay cheerful and happy (at least some of the time).

You deserve a medal. Actually you deserve a much better relationship than this. Do enlist the help of his mum and give this a time-limit. If there's no improvement in say, six months, get rid and give yourself a fighting chance of happiness and fulfilment in your life.

You're doing amazingly with two tiny ones and all of the abuse you're being thrown.

As others have said, it's up to him to help himself and take the options offered.

In the meantime, you have more than enough in your plate and need to start making yourself the priority.

Who do you have close by that could listen and help you manage your options? Do you have a GP or HV you can talk to? I think you need to ask someone you trust in RL to help because this is no life for you or your lovely children.

Agree totally with cog