My father has snooped on my life for years -what should I do?

[picnic]

I've just recently realised that my father has been snooping on my life for years. He listens into private telephone conversations that I have when I ring my mother, has been going through my handbag when I leave it in another room, reads my post (unfortuantely, some of it is still delivered there because I'm on various mailing lists and don't always know until I'm sent something0. He has also discovered by searching my computer account that I met my husband though an introduction agency which is something that we've never told our families. I didn't have a computer at the time and used his - he must have found out by checking the history facility which I didn't know about. He keeps making comments like 'picnic says she met mr picnic at a party.....' it always makes us feel very uncomfortable. It's a bit like being taunted by a blackmailer.

I feel so exposed. I've completely lost respect for him although I would always have described him as a very controlling man. Can anyone offer me any advice as to how I might deal with this.

Good GOD Picnic! How old are you??? Why would he do this????? I'd tell my Dad he was a nosy bastard if I found that out!

adn ti shappened for years?
yeah

When you say "deal with it", what do you want to achieve as the end result? Just to stop him doing it, or something more?

I'm 40 .

It's pathetic isn't it. When I say I want to 'deal with it' I think I mean that I don't want it to bother me. There would be no point in trying to tackle him about it because he doesn't seem to think that there's anything wrong with his behaviour and neither does my mother. He also takes a regular diversion just to drive past my house presumably to see if we're in / of have done any work to the house. It's liek being spied on. The thing is that I grew up being constantly told by my parents that I was from a 'lovely family' and that if I was unhappy with the way they behaved towards me then it was because I was 'funny'. Sincer I've had my own child it's like the scales have fallen from my eyes because I would never behave towards her like they were to me. I always thought that I would understand the dynamics of my family when I had children of my own and would agree with the way that they were towards me. However, becoming a mother has had exactly the opposite effect and I'm so angry at the way my father behaved towards me and how my mother has let me down and continues to do so.

poisson = cod?

I dealt with parent issues by going on about them to DH whenever I got drunk for about five years until eventually I realised I was over them but I don't think that's necessarily the approved approach...

Yes, she's baaaa-ack... [best Poltergeist voice]

DH has to hear about it all daily. Even I'm fed up with my relationship with my parents.

picnic, my father (now dead) was a little bit your father. I felt spied on too - especially when I was a teenager. He was a controlling man but all done in the name of protection

Picnic, I got to the end of my tether worrying about my relationship with my father (for different reasons). Just got so sick of having it weighing on my shoulders that I went and got myself some counselling. It was a bit embarrassing but it worked - got rid of all that anger and resentment that I'd been carrying around for years. Might be worth a try.

Your father's behaviour is terrible, btw, and you shouldn't have to put up with it.

picnic - my mother spied on me by tracing me on the internet - using this website (hence a relatively recent namechange by me) and another one too.
I have cut off all contact with her, which hurt at the time (18 months ago - I avoided MN for a year I was so worrried she would track me down) but now it is an amazing liberation.
I'm not saying this is best for you, but I am amazed at how good I feel about it all, even after all she said (she didnt like to hear what I had said about her in a couple of threads) and it was the right decision for me.

what if you told him you thought it was unacceptable? like next time he says 'picnic' you could ask how he knows about that and basically get him to admit he's been snooping. carry your bag from room to room, when he asks why tell him you don't want him to rifle through your personal belongings - because that's what they are - PERSONAL.

and when they come out with their 'perfectly normal' crap say you don't know of any other family that think it's ok.

would that help just to get it out in the open?

Picnic,

If you haven't already read it I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward. She writes as some length about controlling parents.

I've read that book and it was quite helpful. I just don't think that I could ever do the confrontation part. What I've found most difficult is accepting that I'm not from a 'lovely family' but that in mho my father was emotionally abusive. If you asked him, he'd say that he behaves the way he does 'because I am a difficult person and deserve it'but what I've come to realise is that I don't have these kinds of difficulties with other people, only my family.