I need to get out of this relationship but I don't know how.. help!

[Albienon]

I'm living with my partner and things have got to a point where I am so miserable I just can't bear it anymore. I know I need to leave but I am scared of what will happen when I say to him that it's over. At first I thought he was the most amazing person and totally swept me off my feet but I have come to see what an emotionally manipulative and controlling person he is. I am very aware that I am in no way perfect either.. But I have gone from being an outgoing confident person to just being terrified of getting into an argument with him as they always end up with me being distraught and having to say sorry. I have no children with him and a place to go and stay if I move out but I feel so stuck and can't seem to work up the courage to walk away. He helps me a lot with my studies and has made me feel like I can't do anything without him..

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? How did you get out? I'm sorry if I sound like I'm being a wimp, I am genuinely surprised to find myself feeling so helpless..

There will be some helpful people along soon who will guide you.

Sorry you are in this situation. It is one very familiar to readers of this forum, right from the "sweeping you off your feet" to the "made me feel like I can't do anything without him". It is good that you have the insight that is something he has caused you to feel rather than the truth.

It's a relief that you don't have children with him as it means you ought to be able to have a clean break. Once you are away from him you may find that your confidence returns by itself, or you can do "The Freedom Program" an online course which educates you about how abusers work and what warning signs to look out for in new relationships. It may help your recover.

Practically, it's great that you have somewhere safe to go to. What do you think needs to happen next? If you are scared of him, then just leave, you don't need to have a confrontation or ask his permission to end the relationship, just move your things out while he is away with the help of a friend or relative. Don't tell him where you are going to.

If you need to talk through some of the emotional stuff, call women's aid, they help women in your situation.

Sorry the end of my message was a bit rushed as I had to take the my little one back to bed.

Women's Aid do help in situations of emotional abuse, this is familiar to them, some people are worried their situation isn't bad enough to turn to WA but its not like that, they know how damaging living with someone controlling is, even if they use words or money to manipulate and control rather than their fists.

I meant to ask who the mortgage holder(s) or named tenant(s) are of where you are staying? Obviously getting out and staying free of him is your priority, but if you own property with him you'll need to get legal advice too.

Thank you so much for your reply and for the advice and practical suggestions.

We live in a rented flat under his name-I just pay him the rent so my name isn't on anything so I am free to leave. Our car is owned my me but insured under his name so I would need to sort that but is a small issue I suppose.

I'm not scared he will do anything physical to me as such.. I am more terrified of the emotional retribution... I feel like I'm going crazy.. One minute I'm sure that it's all his work and he's the reason that I'm not happy then once we talk he turns it all around and I feel like it's me that's being unreasonable and demanding. Every time I try to talk about something I am unhappy with it ends up being denied or turned around so I feel like I wish I hadn't said anything in the first place... Then I start wondering if he's actually so bad and if I'm just overreacting all the time. Sorry this is such a ramble...

I just don't know the next step. I feel like no matter what I say he will see it all as being my problem as he never takes any ownership of his own actions.. And that if I just walk away he will still be thinking if himself as the victim of a horrible woman who just walked out and left him and That alone seems so unbearably unfair-in don't want to feel guilty for leaving him. Oh goodness... I hope some of this makes sense! Probably shouldn't post so late at night..!

You are allowed to leave.

He doesn't own you, or your emotions. Take them back, and move on.

Whatever he says, he will move on too. But once you are gone, disengage. Don't try to fix or soothe his 'hurt'. Just leave and have no contact.

And good luck.

Trust yourself. You don't have to live like this. Leaving a relationship is always hard but imagine how much happier you would feel in 6 months time when you are away from this manipulation. Can you really see yourself with him in 5 years time when you have become a shell of your former self..?

And... You are not responsible for his feelings. Only he is. Don't feel guilty. You have a right to be happy!

He is never going to agree that its his fault. You can't wait for him to agree that you are right to leave. Just trust yourself, I know its difficult because he makes you doubt, but once you are away things will be clearer. If you stay, you will just doubt yourself more and more as he erodes more and more of you away to make you what he wants.

As for him twisting things to make you feel you are the unreasonable one, it is a technique to undermine your confidence and get his own way. Remember that your feelings matter. If you feel uncomfortable, hurt etc, that's enough to leave. You don't need to justify yourself to him or anyone else.

How long have you been together? What do you want to do in life? Is it different to what you wanted before you moved in with him? (Its okay to change what we want from life as we grow up, but I'd be supicious if he has encouraged you to have abandoned things that made you happy in favour of things that made him happy but you weren't fussed about.)

You're in the best possible situation compared to so many women on here, OP. No children together, no mortgage, flat in his name...

In your position I'd go and leave a letter. I wouldn't discuss it with him, because he's manipulative and controlling and will blame you. What's the point in staying for that conversation?

How old are you? Who would you stay with?

you did things, didn't you, before you met him so you will manage to do things again without him. I think being with him has just made you feel helpless.

I think you will just have to do it. He will no doubt kick up a huge fuss if he is so controlling and emotionally manipulative but it will come to an end eventually. So much easier to get away now when you don't have dc with him.

Just leave and immediately go no contact. He will never understand or validate the reasons you are leaving. He knows all the buttons to press (usually guilt/remembrance of past good times you had together) and he will play you very skillfully if you engage with him at all.

You don't owe him anything, certainly not an explanation. I would leave, and then when you're safely away, email or text that you won't be going back. And then DO NOT ENGAGE. Change mobile numbers/email addresses if you have to.

In a similar situation many years ago pre-children. I woke up one morning, waited for him to go to work, then packed my car and drove off. I went to the other end of the country and didn't speak again to him for 3 years.

It was in the days before mobiles and not may people had email addresses but I'm fairly sure he knew where I had gone (to my parents). I think he tried to ring a few times but my Mum always answered the phone and she's a master of the vague answer.

He did play the martyr and rewrote history to paint himself as the abandoned tragic figure but luckily enough our mutual friends had enough of an idea about what he was like to nod give this face and say "riiiiight". If he gave his self pitying sob story to complete strangers, I really don't care. It's not like it's going to affect me.

This is exactly what you should do, OP! Where are you? I'll come and help you pack!

You might find it helpful to come over to the EA Support thread and have a mosey through the links about controlling nobbers men and how they operate. There are plenty of us there who have escaped from the spaghetti head mess these men induce.
We can listen to you venting, hold your hand and cheer you on as you escape to a happy new life without him!

Thank you again so much for your replies, I was in a bit of a state last night and you've all been so kind.

I know I am so lucky in that I have no real ties to him and I am grateful that I can walk away. He was super keen to have a baby.. so relieved I insisted I wasn't ready. I feel bad complaining when I know there are people on here so much worse off in terms of their situation, just felt like a bit of reassurance that I'm not mental. I'm 29 and can stay with my best friend at her flat.

He is being so lovely today and it's completely unsettled me, I was all braced for a fight (he was annoyed last night) and then he starts being nice and I'm completely confused.

I have so much stuff it's not feasible to get it all into one car, and if I left I would be scared to come back. I think I will have to try to pack some stuff and take it to my parents for storage in the next week or so and kind of manoeuvre myself into a position where I can just up and go.

Imperial Thank you for the offer... not sure if you know what you'd be letting yourself in for though!

Kouign Thank you I will, I've been a bit of a lurker but didn't want to butt in. I read all of those wonderful links though which made me realise I wasn't quietly going insane and that he is a prick perhaps he's not the one

Hi OP, I've just read your thread, I have a very similar one as left my 'D'P a week ago. It's very hard, mine has started being super nice, offering the world etc now to try to win me back. I don't have an answer, just wanted to let you know you're not alone :-) let's keep them out!