Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried about stressed husband

9 replies

marlene4boycie · 24/10/2013 20:31

Hi, hoping someone could offer advice. My husband started a new job earlier this year, with quite a lot of travel. Although he's been home all over the summer, he is due to go out again in a few weeks for four weeks. Since he's started this job, I have seen him fade before my eyes. He's hardly eating, hardly sleeping, and working all of the hours god sends. A couple of days ago it came to a head and he said that he couldn't take it any more. He doesn't want to go away again and leave us, and says he doesn't want this life. He wants out of the job. I'm trying to talk to him but he just can't see a way out and we then argue. We have a mortgage to pay and no back up and he's feeling the pressure of that, but then again I don't think he'd cope being so far away in the mental state he's in. So it's either hand his notice in and be stuffed financially, or he goes away and is thousands of miles away feeling awful. I'm seriously worried he's going to have some kind of breakdown. I could probably increase my hours at work to take the pressure off, but not straight away. I think I just need some advice on how we plan this when both of us are a bit frightened and not thinking straight.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2013 21:32

If he's stressed and ill has he spoken to his GP? He may be able to get signed off sick which would give him a little time to calm down, think a little and make some fresh plans.

marlene4boycie · 24/10/2013 21:49

Thank you. I didn't think of that.

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 24/10/2013 22:26

I agree. He needs to visit his GP as a first step to buy some time for you both to think about what next.

I think you need to talk about the root of this. Travel with work is hard - believe me I know having done 6 international trips this year with another 2 before Christmas - but he needs to work out if it's the travel itself or another aspect of his job that's the issue.

Once you have done this the next step is to speak to HR and see what options are available.

This might seem overwhelming ATM but often quite small changes can have a big difference - for example because of my travel I have an agreement I can work from home 1 day a week when in the UK so I get to pick my son up from school. It's a small compromise, but psychologically makes a huge difference to me.

It will be hard to think about this right now and you are in an all or nothing mode, which is why you need to get him some time out.

Good luck - it's not easy but you can find a way through this. Thanks

The worry is unless you can do this is there is the potential to leave for another job only to find the same pressure point .

DoYourKegels · 24/10/2013 22:27

It might be an idea for him to speak to a career coach. They provide a fresh perspective and are practical and outcome oriented.

cestlavielife · 24/10/2013 22:38

He needs to go to gp
Get signed off for couple weeks
Speak to someone including hr and then make longer term decisions.

Has he had episodes of depression before ?

tawse57 · 24/10/2013 23:29

He is in his cave.

He is being man the protector. He believes he has to do this job to provide for and protect his family.

When men get into cave mode it is very hard to get them to think properly. Merely having a conversation with him will not be enough - men do not react in the same way to conversation as women do. You will be having a conversation with him about the stress, the job, etc, and how you do not want him to become ill but it will NOT be going into his head.

You think it will be but it will not.

This is what you need to do - seriously, this is how you get a man to listen when he is in cave mode.

You need to find a quiet moment - create it. No kids, no cooking, no TV on in the background. Nothing except peace and quiet.

Sit him down in a chair and sit in a chair directly in front of him. Take hold of his hands. Look him directly in the eye and then, and only then, tell him in simple, plain English of your concerns and worries.

You need to tell him that you are worried about his health. You are worried that if he becomes ill from stress that you will be worse of than you are now.

You need to tell him that you need him to go and see his GP about stress and to get signed off sick from work due to stress.

You need to tell him that he needs to do this for his own health and for the safety of your family. You can point out that it will also give you, as a couple, time to think about how you will survive financially if he has to pack his job in.

Tell him anything else you feel you should say but do not over-whelm him with things as this will make him miss the point and dismiss things - the less you say the better as it will get into his head.

Men only truly realise that something is serious when women talk to them in this way - quiet place, no distractions, sit in front of him, hold his hands and look him in the eye.

Best of luck.

ancientbuchanan · 24/10/2013 23:36

And tell him you love him and you will work things out between you.

peggyundercrackers · 25/10/2013 00:28

I used to work away from home a lot and I didn't like it, I still have to go away occasionally and even if I have to go for 1 night I don't like it. Im not sure going to the doc is the answer as he will only provide a sick note which will give short term relief to the issue of not going away but its not really addressing the issue. If he gets signed off with stress he will need to declare that on any medical forms he may need to fill out in the future - might be a job/insurance papers/mortgage papers etc. etc.

If he really doesn't like it and its getting him stressed you need to address that issue. He really needs to find another job where he isn't going away as much or as far away from home - you say he goes out there so I assume he is going out the country.

try not and argue about this with him, as you say he is feeling stressed enough about it without feeling there is additional pressure on him. It cant be easy on either of you - can you take a mortgage break for 6 months or so to give you breathing time to find him another job?

marlene4boycie · 26/10/2013 12:43

Thanks very much for your replies. He's got an appointment with the GP on Monday, and we think he's probably depressed. He doesn't want to be signed off sick, but will also be talking to his manager next week to try to find a path through. He thinks he'd be able to manage the travel if only he wasn't feeling so anxious - he doesn't think the travel is the root but rather the enormous pressure he is putting on himself. I'm also looking up some CBT advice that I have used myself in the past when I've been feeling anxious. Thanks again for all of your replies - I'm really grateful for the kind advice.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page