all options seem lousy!

[Northbynorthwestnorthernline]

I am not v happily married.

Depressed at thought of staying in this marriage (he is PA fairly disengaged and selfish/unempathetic and porn has been an issue) for evermore. My marriage is lonely and dull and I feel like a lone parent much of the time. I told him 8 months ago I was unhappy and considering a split. Nothing much has changed - he just knows I am unhappy and have woken up to the idea that life doesn't necessarily have to be like this.

I have had some individual counselling and have learnt to disengage a little from his dramas and inconsiderate behaviours which is useful as a coping mechanism but has made me feel disconnected from him and I don't really have the will to reconnect. I find it hard to even have a conversation with him and the atmosphere is tense at home. In my head I am gone.

But I am equally depressed by the reality of divorce/separation - actually telling the Dc's, actually dividing up our possessions, the financial implications, having to sell house I love etc. and scared of the effect the split will have on him and his self esteem and of being the one who takes responsibility for the decision to call it quits.

I guess it is the classic 'too good to stay too bad to go' kind of dilemma. Marriage counselling didn't resolve anything.

Does clarity come or is it just a case of girding ones loins to just do it?

My feeling is that some things don't benefit from waiting until you're in the right frame of mind. That's just a recipe for prevarication. Obviously you have to give something this serious some thought and planning but there does come a point where you have to have the courage of your convictions, get to reasonably prepared and then just get on and do it. Good luck whatever you decide.

It's funny - the things you've listed under the 'reasons to split' column affect your emotional wellbeing to what sounds like an intolerable degree. The things you've listed under the 'reasons to stay' column are mostly just practical ballaches that once you've done them are done.

I'm not suggesting that divorce is a trivial matter but you have one life. I imagine his self-esteem may take a knock from no longer having you to shit on - and this is a bad thing why?

To what extent do you think you are being driven by not wanting to be the one in the 'wrong'? To what extent do you think he's aware that you don't want to be the one forced to call it quits because of his behaviour - behaviour that will not and has not improve. Behaviour he chooses.