Future MIL is generally such a cow.

[TerrorTremor]

Sorry this might be a bit long, but just don't want to dripfeed anything.

My fiancé and I have been together for just over 5 years. My fiancés Mum has been a complete cow to me from the start.

Within the first 3 months she accused me of being a gold digger. I have no idea why this is, because I had actually lent more money to my then boyfriend than he had ever lent off me.

She then made comment about my ex partner and how I slandered him and insulted him and how I made my partner not speak to him (they used to be friends). My fiancé then had to point out he was abusive to me, amongst other horrible things he had done to others. I didn't get an apology, but I wasn't really expecting one.

His Mum then stopped speaking to fiancé as he came to visit me after visiting them and he hadn't told her about it (!). This was about 2 1/2 to 3 years ago. I had no idea why this was an issue, as they were not living together. I encouraged my fiancé not to apologise but to try and regain contact again, because she is his mother and that's an important relationship. She stopped speaking to him for over 3 months.

She has since complained about me, saying that his life was better before I came along.

I had my daughter 7 months ago, so their granddaughter. She insisted that if I didn't give birth within half an hour of them, they would not come to visit. Even though I got pre eclampsia and had to get an EMCS, they didn't try and come and visit afterwards. It was an hour and a half drive away, but we were 5 days in hospital. I had high blood pressure and my daughter lost a drastic amount of weight within the first few days.

Ever since then she's complained she doesn't see my daughter. OK granted she's only seen her 2 times. Mainly because I am staying at my parents at the moment as we are trying to get appropriate accommodation to move into. I can't drive neither can my fiancé (both VI) so can't make our way up to them. My Dad drives and has taken us up both the times to see his parents.

I have had left abusive voicemail messages which I have let my fiancé listen to and my parents, who were livid because they know I have done nothing to facilitate any of this dislike. My fiancé is now not talking to his Mum as apparently he is 'dead to her' because we wont move to his hometown. I'd rather eat my own afterbirth than be around them after the way she has been towards me, to be honest and my fiancé would rather live somewhere a bit out, as not too keen to stay there either. She also believes I wont move in with fiancé and will play God with my daughters life, which I have never, ever done nor would ever do. We are still together and very happy.

My point is:

1. How do I deal with this woman if she comes back into my fiancés life?
2. My fiancé has asked me what I think he should do. His nan (his Mum's Mum) feels very stuck in the middle and visiting his other family who live very close has became strained.
3. How do I like her see her granddaughter without overtly being there all the time? She just nickpicks or gives me funny looks and I just can't stand it.

Phew. Thank goodness that's off my mind and written down.
My parents think I shouldn't bother with her at all and I agree, but it's easier said than done.

Your partner doesn't seem to be doing much to help his mum see your baby, so I'd do the same. In your position I wouldn't do a damn thing. If they want to come and see the baby, then arrange for your partner to meet them somewhere, stay for an hour or two and then come back. Don't do anything yourself. Your baby is lucky to have normal grandparents in your mum and dad; she doesn't need her dad's parents at all.

That's how we've looked at it.

Doesn't look hopeful though. His parents say they will see her when she goes down where her Dad was born so basically, where they live.

I think they are pretty selfish to be honest.

Bump.

God, why would you be arsed? It all sounds a bit Jeremy Kyle. Just fuck her off and get on with your life.

She is a nightmare. I would not bother trying to maintain contact with this woman.

I am sorry but there is no point wasting time and energy on a person who has made very clear about how she regards you. Ask not what you can do to repair the situation just keep your distance and let her fizz. Keep in touch with those family members who do seem nice and normal.

I imagine that writing this down has helped you see what a ridiculous woman this is.
Do not even bother about her. - your daughter is not some fucking commodity to be shared out.

I don't think you should tell your fiancé what he should do about her. Ever. It can well back fire spectacularly and he may end up blaming you for whatever he decides.
Do tell him this.

If she does get back to your fiancé's life, then you have the choice of visiting her or not. Let her let rip if she wants to, but don't ever prevent your OH from visiting her.
If the messages she leaves you are that abusive, you can tell her that you'll report them to the police. It's harassment.

Finally, if you want to avoid her, send your DD with your OH. She's 7 months old, so he can take a bottle and take care of her, surely. If she visits, try to find as many activities outside of the house as possible.
When she gives you dirty looks, look as happy as you can, and very kindly ask her if she's ok, that she looks ill, maybe she should see a doctor or something.

BDF It is very JK to be honest and if you knew about some of the family, you'd think that even more. I just don't want to come across as a bitch, but you can't please everyone can you?

I do realise how ridiculous she sounds it's true. It doesn't look like it, it's just if my fiancé gets back in contact with her again that I have to worry about coming into contact with the woman and what on earth will happen when we get married. I can't not invite her, but I know she'd kick up an awful fuss and it would break my parents heart, as well as my own if that were to happen.

It doesn't look likely that my fiancé will be talking to her until she apologises for her behaviour.

Will that happen? I doubt it, but my fiancé is stubborn too, but in the best way possible, not aggressively. He's still speaking to his Dad who is a bit of an arse, but not half as bad as his wife. He's just too aggressive for his own good and doesn't realise how he comes across. But he does seem genuinely concerned with my DD.

I would never tell my fiancé what to do. For a start I'd feel like I'd need experience and my Mum would never, ever do this. I have a sister I don't particularly get on with (well, a majority of the family) but still talk to her and buy her children gifts etc but don't feel like it's quite the same.
Plus, it could come back and bite me in the arse if I was to give advice.
My advice is to do what he thinks is right. I can't see that going too wrong.

The only advice I do give irt this is to keep in contact with those family members who aren't being arses, because they still love and care about him. He naturally agrees, so no arguments there.
I do get frustrated sometimes as I just want him to be happy but I can't control others behaviour, only the way I respond to it.

I think you are dealing with this as well as you can. It's sad she cant be in your lives, but sadnesses happen and if she was in your life she'd probably be absolutely poisonous.

Btw, you can not invite her to your wedding. Its social pressure makes you think you can't not-invite her but its YOUR day. Or at least, your fiance can make that decision, perhaps, rather than you, a bit complicated perhaps by your FIL being rather better, cause you can't invite him and not her. I thought long, long and hard and did not invite my parents to my admittedly-quiet wedding. Several years on I know it was absolutely the right decision. If she would massively spoil the day then it is an option. She already hates you, can't hate you any worse.

They sound toxic and best avoided! But the main question is, what is your partner like? Both in general and in dealing with his difficult family.

Is he good to you generally? Does he do his fair share with your DC?

Does he support you and stand up to his family when they are being unreasonable?

Many children of toxic parents become good partners and parents, others not so much!

Assuming your DP is a good'un, what does he want to do, does he want them in his/your life? He might want to check out the "stately homes" thread on here!

Agree that if he doesn't want her in his life and / or you don't want her there due to her treatment of him/you you need not invite her to your wedding!

He is the complete opposite, Loopy.

He is considerate, sensitive, fun loving but not perverted or inappropriate. Polar opposite to his family. Whether it happened consciously or not, I'm not sure.

He has in the past tried to say it's just what he's used to, but when she started to swear and leave nasty voicemails I think it took the biscuit with him.

He amazing with me - V day is never boring, nor anniversary, or my birthday. He's great with my daughter. He's in fact trying to calm her as we speak as she's teething something rotten!

In the past the supporting me when there was a bit of an issue, but he's progressed from that now. I think he just doesn't like confrontation, but think has realised sometimes it has to happen now, to get something to happen, iyswim.

He would want them in his life if they apologised and improved. If not, he'd like to just remain formal, I think. Say hello and that, but not be close.

I hope she doesn't come. It would be a nightmare!

I do feel sorry for anyone who has to treat people like that though. Can't be too happy with yourself either, can you?

I'm waaay too deep of a thinker.

Aah that's good. And sounds like he has a plan to handle things, and has you to help!

Yes, very sad to be like MIL.

You and your DD are his main family now.

Completely detach yourself! Its not doing you any good. Leave it all to your dh to deal with - its his family.

Make it a rule you want best behaviour if mil is around you and your dc. If she can't behave, she can forget it.

Detach. Don't rise to the occasion. And most of all, don't feel guilty. You've not done anything wrong.

Just because you think your dh should keep it contact, doesn't necessarily make it right. Take a step back, let them deal with it.

I have a fil who I find blatantly rude and I pull him up on it every time. Rest of dh family refuses to stand up to it as they don't like confrontation. So they don't mind if they get walked over like a format and mil doesn't mind being verbally abused. I for one, refuse to set that as a good example to my dcs. I have a choice not to be in that environment and I really don't give a flying fuck what their family titles are.

There you go. Once you realise you have a choice on who choose to spend your precious time with, it becomes very liberating. (And my fil lives 4 miles away. Haven't seen him for 2 years and its alright by both of us grin).

I agree Cookie.

I just find it such a shame he can't be as close to his folks as I am to mine. But then, that's not my problem. I don't mean that in a rude sense, but there is nothing I can do about their behaviour.

All I can be is good to him myself. :)

Exactly.

Something I learnt the hard way, there is very little you can do to influence and change family dynamics in family that is not yours. But you have complete control on what goes on in your own little family unit and who you choose to spend time with.

My dh doesn't like fil either. So we don't see them very much. It's not ideal but that's OK. Much better to spend quality time with people who really love you.

To be honest future fil isn't my greatest fan either nor I his, but he's a little bit less obvious and bitchy about it, so I can let it slide. The language thing effects me though - his use of some pretty choice words, that is.

I just don't want my daughters first word to be 'fuck' or 'shit' or something like that.

Heyho.

She's on dada now and no doubt 'no' will be coming in a few months time :)