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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Grrr I am feeling so angry and hurt, please talk me out of it

13 replies

gingerbreadshoes · 24/10/2013 19:46

Ex dp and I split up 2months ago as he was contacting other women at two separate times of the year. One the first time and about ten the second.

Anyway, he still comes over to visit ds in the evenings and whilst they were at the shops tonight I had a look through his phone. I know it was stupid of me and I only have myself to blame but the opportunity was there and I felt as though I had to do it.

I found out that it appears as though he never stopped contact with the first woman (despite her being pregnant then and with a partner and I had forgiven him on the understanding all contact was ended)

I know we are no longer together and it shouldn't matter to me but it really hurts to think that he is still lying to me and probably has been for months.

I have bent over backwards to ensure he can still see ds, including letting him come here when he was unable to take him to his and also finding him suitable accomodation through a friend.

I really want to contact this ow's dp but I know that isn't the answer and won't make me feel any better knowing that I have caused hurt to someone else (if he believes me). I just want dp to suffer as I am because at the moment he seems to.be carrying on as normal.

I have no idea what to do with these feelings of hatred

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cloudskitchen · 24/10/2013 19:53

I wish I had an enlightening answer for you. I wouldn't contact the ow dp, especially as she's pregnant or with a young baby. be terrible to blow apart that babies family (it sounds like ow might do that eventually on her own anyway). Your ex sounds like an idiot btw

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Coolforcatz · 24/10/2013 19:58

You've split up, it's all a bit raw and you're hurt which is fair enough, but try focus on yourself and leave him to go fuck up his own life (which he will). As long as he's a good dad to your son then leave it at that.

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gingerbreadshoes · 24/10/2013 20:01

Thank you for thinking he is an idiot. He doesn't really seem to believe that what he has done is actually that bad but even his dm said she was embarrased by his behaviour.

I do hope she gets found out although it won't be from me and it is a horrible thing to wish on someone.

I seem to be ok for a few days and then it is as though my brain remembers and it all comes flooding back and I can't bear for him to be in my house but I have to let him otherwise ds would miss out.

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AndTheBandPlayedForAnyFucker · 24/10/2013 20:11

Just leave it. I know it hurts, but being involved in it will never resolve anything for you and will only prolong your recovery/healing time.

As you are no longer together, his private life is just that, private. The same way as your private life is now out of bounds to him. Having that boundary will be good for you to respect to protect yourself from these intense negative feelings. Try to emotionally detach and get to the point where you don't even want to know who he is talking to.

Hopefully, soon you can come around to the attitude that she is welcome to him as he is a cheat and can not be trusted. You are better off without him, as hard as the day to day living is. But now you have a chance to meet a decent man.

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gingerbreadshoes · 24/10/2013 20:28

You are correct but I am finding it so hard having to see him and speak to him everyday. I have suggested cutting the contact down but it still means he is here 4 times a week.

She is welcome to him as their relationship has evolved from them both lying to their partners so whilst she/he seems wonderful now hopefully the doubt will start to creep in.

I am now about to start a new venture which will get me out of the house and meeting people so I really need to concentrate on that but I just feel so lonely although I don't want him back now.

Grrr I wish he didn't have to visit so often

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lemonstartree · 24/10/2013 20:33

His contact with his son is for the child's benefit. Not his. Not yours.

go forward on that basis. You are not 'letting' him see his child, you are facilitating his son's contact with his father. Its important.

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gingerbreadshoes · 24/10/2013 20:44

Does that mean I don't have to enter into conversation with him whist he is here? That is childish I know but I have started to remove myself from the situation when he is here as I don't want to be around him.

I am trying so hard to put ds first as he is the most important person in this which is why I helped with his accomodation etc but I do need reminding of this so thank you, your comments are helping me keep sone perspective.

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Coolforcatz · 24/10/2013 20:47

Keep talk purely about DS, nothing else. It won't be long before you're posting that your ex is jealous about your new DP.

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mummytime · 24/10/2013 21:02

I think the posters have been a bit harsh, as the other thing is you need to not let him into your home. He may have to take his son to MacDonalds or whatever, but he shouldn't be coming into your home. It is confusing for your son as well as making things hard for you.

You also need to arrange a schedule of contact. Four nights a week sounds too much, but he should also be having him for long periods and working towards overnights.

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gingerbreadshoes · 24/10/2013 21:08

Our new arrangement is that he comes over 3 evenings a week once he has finished work and then one day at the weekend. Ds can't sleep over yet as he is still bf to sleep and before dp left this suited dp fine so I am loathe to change it now as it would mean 6 difficult bedtimes for me and 1 for him.

I do think not having him here would help me deal with it better as so far it has been exactly the same as before he left with regards to how much he sees ds.

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gingerbreadshoes · 24/10/2013 21:08

Should add that the weekend day he does take ds away from home so I don't spend that time with him.

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2013 21:30

Don't let him into your home. How can you move on and stop thinking about him if he's hanging around like a bad smell? He can spend time with DS outside the home the way lots of other Dads do. It'll also be an incentive for him to get his own place set up so DS can stay.

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gingerbreadshoes · 24/10/2013 21:35

The trouble is if I ask him to take ds out he will be late for his dinner (18months) and then late for bed as they will only get about an hour together.

He would love to have him overnight but we are in such a brilliant routine that has bedn going on for months that I don't want to change.