Looking back i agree i am having a bit of a yes...but outlook. I would do anything to try and sort this out. I am very grateful for everyone's comments, a lot of the suggestions are good, some i hadn't thought of, some i can't afford and some i have tried before but i am very grateful for everyone's input. I agree things need to change, it is too much for him and the whole situation is having a profound effect on us both as individuals and as a couple.
I was at the GP 2 days ago asking for help for my MH, because of recently moving to this area i have to be re-referred to the psychiatrist and there is a waiting list. I am now on it, but am unsure of how long the wait is. Tomorrow when i can pull myself together a bit better i am thinking that calling the crisis team might be a good idea to see if they can give any more immediate help to me.
If i had the offer of outside help, even though it would be difficult and i would feel ashamed i would take it. There just doesn't seem to be much available in this area. My family refuse to help and treat me like i'm just a massive inconvenience they would rather do without (i am beginning to think i am just that) so i have stopped asking them as they make the situation worse and my DH was the one pointed that out and told me it was a waste of time asking them and they only made me worse because it was like they didn't care.
I have no idea what he thinks the childcare arrangements will be if he goes. We have not discussed any practicalities at all as of yet. He is not the sort of person to just swan off, and i hope that he can see if i get ill and readmitted that as their dad he will be the one who would have to look after them.
I also have a chronic pain condition and mobility issues that mean i can struggle with the housework hence the cleaner/gardener.
I agree that i am leaning on him too much and that it is stifling him. We have only had each other to rely on for so long now that it has just become our norm which is a bad thing. He doesn't just sit at home with me all day, i don't want you thinking that, maybe i haven't explained myself. He is just coming to the end of a 3 year full time degree that he has been going into University for lectures etc and just using the library to study most weekdays. He also went on nights out with his friends from the course when he could. Where we were living at the time the public transport services stopped pretty early so he was unable to stay as long as he wanted and sometimes the short time he would have been able to attend made it not worth him going.
Sorry again if i'm not making sense or seeming like i'm making excuses, i can't seem to get my head on straight and think properly. I feel like i'm on the Waltzers and desperately want to get off but am unable to do so.