How can I get through to my DH?

[phantomhairpuller]

I'll put it bluntly. He's overweight.

He gave up smoking 2.5yrs ago when our ds1 was born. For that, I have nothing but admiration for him. At around the same time, he had an accident at work and consequently had to give up a very physical job involving a lot of manual labour. He now works in an office and doesn't do much, if any, manual!

He has always had a big appetite. The difference now, is that he is not burning off the calories like he did in his previous job. As a result, he's gone up 3 waist sizes in 2 years
No idea what he actually weighs, but he's 30yrs old and wearing a size 40 waistband. This cannot be good for him?!

Now, I'm no supermodel myself and have struggled with my weight for most of my adult life. When I was pregnant with ds2, I made a decision. Consequently I am now 2 stone lighter and still counting. I had hoped that DH would follow my lead- clearly I was wrong

Now, the reason I have posted this in relationships... and I hate myself for saying it... I don't find him as attractive as I did when we first met, and its his ever increasing size that's the issue. Its not just on a physical level either. Its the fact that it doesn't matter what I say (I've subtly dropped hints re healthier eating) or do (ie making smaller, more healthy lunches/dinners) to try and help, he doesn't seem to want to hear it and he' always got a way around it. Its like he's on self-destruct. But its becoming a real issue for me. I find myself getting angry (not outwardly- there's no point) at him when he goes to the cupboard for a packet of crisps after he's eaten a HUGE plateful of dinner.
I'm not saying its a deal-breaker for me- I still love him like I did the day we got married. If not more since the DCs have come along, actually. I'm just sick of trying to get through to him, without being brutally honest and running the risk of upsetting him.

Health wise, his internal organs must be suffering?! I feel like saying to him "why not go the whole hog and start smoking again?"
I want my boys to have a dad when they're growing up. That probably sounds stupid but its worrying me. I cant seem to get through to him that he needs to cut back. I'm not asking him to go on a full blown diet, just stop with the beer and crisps in the evening. That would be enough to make a difference I'm sure.

Sorry for the long, rambling post. I just had to get it out.

If you've made it to the end and have any advice, please feel free to offer it up!

This is such a thorny one. I don't think it's unreasonable to say you don't find him as attractive with him being so overweight but it's not something he's going to want to hear. Like everyone else with an entrenched bad habit, the only person who can make a difference to it is himself. He knows full well that he's overweight but motivation is very personal and he may think it's all too difficult. Some people respond to nudges and persuasion, some respond to group efforts (going running with friends or joining a diet club), others need a kick in the pants (a warning from the doctor etc), yet more plant their head firmly in the sand and never do a thing.

If he's not listening there are a few things you can do.

1. Don't buy crisps and other junky snacks. Keep your cupboards low generally - just buy enough for a meal or two. Fill up the fruit bowl instead. If it's not there he can't eat it.
2. Have a word with any of his more active friends and see if they can invite him to join them
3. Suggest some family activities for the weekends that get you all moving e.g country walks.
4. Suggest he goes to the GP for a check-up.... not any easy one
5. (Very last resort) ... be blunt about the attraction thing. Said 'more in sorrow than in anger' but it may be the shock he needs.

It's a very thorny one. Cog gives great suggestions as usual.

I just want to add, anyone who has a weight problem like this at 30 really does need to take control now, IMO. If he's like most of my peers that I've known since our 20's he's looking at being about two or three stone heavier than he is now by the time he hits his mid 40's.
Of course there are exceptions, but this is what I've seen and find myself in a similar situation.
Try to encourage him to get a grip on this NOW.

Be brutally honest, tell him he's fat. I got complacent with my weight a few years ago, got up to 15 stone and a 38" waist. I knew I was overweight but it wasn't affecting my day to day life. It wasn't until I was looking at my sisters wedding pictures that I realised just how big I'd become, and an ensuing conversion with my sister where she called me 'a proper fat bastard'..... That spurned me on somewhat, so much so I lost 3 stone in 3 months!

Have a look at the paleo diet, it works well for men.

Thanks all for the replies.

I do generally try and keep the cupboards free of 'crap', mostly because of my own demons- if I know it's in the house, I am likely to eat it! I buy little bits for the DCs but generally, nothing much for us. But the bugger will always find a way! This morning, for instance, I went to the cupboard to get a cake bar for DS1 to take as a treat in his lunchbox but they were gone! The cupboard is out of reach of the DCs and it certainly wasn't me who ate them. Its this kind of 'desperate' behaviour that makes me so angry tbh. Is he really that desperate for snacks that he needs to take treats away from his children ffs?!

If I send him to work with a healthy lunch, 9 times out of 10 he goes to the café over the road to 'top up'. He's told me this himself!

I really am starting to think that being brutally honest about my feelings is the only way to make him see

Just bear in mind how you would have felt had he been 'brutally honest' before you lost 2 stone... and be gentle... I'd focus on health over aesthetics... as you are genuinely worried about that...

Perhaps you could emphasise how sexy you found him when he was doing manual labour...

Could you plan work out stuff to do together? Or plan a 'health' kick for 'both' of you... No alcohol on weekday evenings etc...

The softly softly approach isn't working. Do you have any pictures of him in his slimmer days? Holiday pictures for example. Dig them out and show him.

That's just it catz, we have lots of pictures up around the house and they are nearly all from our younger (and therefore slimmer!) days!
He will look at them and say things like 'bloody hell look at the difference' and then that's as far as it goes!

Honesty is the best policy, you can get complacent when you have a 'bag for life', and he has.

Hi OP.

Your DH's eating habits sound like he's fixated on feeling stuffed rather than satisfied. If it were me (which it has been) I'd say that along with the bad habit, he may also be suffering PTSD from the accident. Overeating helped fend off the gloom in my case. Then of course came disgust, then more gloom etc.

I broke the cycle when DW told me kindly but firmly that I would be dead of stroke or Type 2 in ten years. After the fright came the help: we picked a diet I could manage and an exercise routine that wasn't dangerous. The gym isn't a good idea; you get a rapid gain followed by plateau which is where the backsliding starts.

First stop: the GP. Get him SSRIs for a month to get his mood up. I'm betting he's pretty short tempered and doesn't sleep well either.

Wishing you both good luck.

How about recent holiday snaps? He knows he isn't as he was before in the photos around your home, but he may not realise quite how much he's changed. Maybe seeing two contrasting pictures side by side, coupled with a chat about his health and the implications of obesity, will do the trick.