How to tell children about break-up

[SuperAmoo]

Hi all, this is following on from my other thread about splitting up from my alcoholic partner. I see very clearly now that it needs to happen now. I'm going to tell him at weekend. Not tonight because tomorrow's the first day of his new job and I'm not that mean. But I've already written everything out ready for the weekend. I've written him a letter so I don't bottle out of saying everything that needs saying. But now...I don't know what to say to my DCs. DD1 is nearly 8 and DD2 is 4.5. DD1 is severely intelligent and academic - but I don't know how much to tell her. And DD2 is highly strung and will collapse into tears whatever I say. Please give me some tips. Should I mention that 'daddy has a problem' to DD1 or should that never be mentioned?

IME children are very observant so they will know something has been wrong. I think the main point to get across is that, although it's sad, this is a grown-up decision that you and Dad have taken and this is how it's going to be. If you say it's because 'he has a problem' (or similar) an intelligent child will think they can resolve the problem and get everyone back together. The other very important point is to reassure them that it's nothing they've done or said that's led to this decision.... you love them unconditionally and so does Dad. Finally, kids are quite anxious that their life doesn't change so you can reassure them (if accurate) they'll have the same school, same friends, same routine... and that this 'two-centre' family might even be fun.

Above all, be honest. They'll spot a lie a mile off

Thank you Cogito - it is true that everything will be the same as I feed them, play with them, take them everywhere, bath them, put them to bed. The only thing that will be different will be that daddy doesn't come through the door at 5.30 every week day, which they do look forward to.

After you work out a co-parenting schedule with your STBXH (assuming you feel comfortable having an alcoholic in charge of your DCs... not a given) then they'll have a different schedule to look forward to. There may be some tears initially but DCs can be remarkably adaptable and resilient. Much less sentimental, I find, than adults.

I rang GingerbreadHouse and they were super helpful. I found a really useful booklet about telling children. It really hammered home to me that no matter how much of an a-hole he's been, I have to talk about him positively. It's going to be seriously hard but I will do my best.

Talking about him positively does not mean lying on his behalf, making excuses for him, covering up for him or being his PR agent. I have a friend who made the mistake of doing all of those things for her DD's absent Dad. The children were horrendous for years. After all, if Dad was such a great guy, it must mean that my friend was the Witch Bitch from Hell that had driven him away, right? It wasn't until they were in their teens that they were reunited with him... and then realised what a tosser he actually was.

I see what you mean. I have tried to open DD1s eyes to him a little already - because I don't want her to think this is normal at all. So it would be a bit wierd to suddenly say how great he is. It would make more sense to just say - "He isn't well. I've tried to help but it makes it worse. He's going to try and get well on his own and get some help. He loves you very much but his illness means it's hard for him to show it. We are never going to get back together because I'm very hurt but daddy is going to try his best to get the help he needs to get better so he can see you all the time". How about that?

I'd try to keep the two things separate.... 1. Daddy having a problem and getting help for it and 2. Daddy and Mummy making the grown-up decision to live separately. Because if Daddy says 'I've had help and I'm OK now', your DDs will assume that means you'll all be getting back together. Even though his alcohol abuse is the reason for the split, you don't want to make it a cause/effect link for the kids. I'm not sure I'm explaining this properly.

Yes that's what I'm worried about that he'll worm his way back in by stopping drinking and saying 'I'm cured' - we separated before when DD1 was a toddler - I was really happy but somehow, almost imperceptibly he wormed his way back in - he stopped drinking and smoking and was all 'amazing' but within 6 months it was back to the way it was before pretty much. I'm very worried the DCs will be waiting indefinitely for us to get back together again if he seems to get his act together. Which will never EVER happen.

Definitely keep the two things separate in that case. You can't legislate for what he tells them but you can make it clear to them that there is no going back.

I wrote a big long post that got eaten but the gist was what cogito just said - the issues he has and the issues you have as a couple need to be kept separate.

Also you say your DD1 is very intelligent. Do you think she'll ask questions about what kind of ill etc and how will you answer those? And are you prepared for their (natural) progression to wondering whether their Daddy is going to die?

Talking about him positively does not mean lying on his behalf, making excuses for him, covering up for him or being his PR agent.
^
exactly.

be truthful.

and dont expect questions etc all at once - create opportunities eg bedtimes, walks, in the car where they can ask any questions without being pressurised.

watching soaps like hollyoaks or reading jacqueline wilson books together can lead to chances for questions/conversations - hmmm is dad like that character?

Thank you everyone. The 'is daddy going to die' question comes up alot from DD1 anyway because he's smoking outside in the garden all the time and she knows about the risks. She's a compulsive skin picker and her sister bites her nails and gets upset that she wants to stop, but can't. So I can use that as a reference point and say, everyone in the whole world does stuff that they wish they could stop but they can't. I for one don't know anyone that doesn't have some kind of compulsion of some sort. So I could say that daddy wants to stop but he can't and needs to get help from people who have been in his situation. I see what you mean about keeping the issues separate.