Ethical non monogamy

[WordsAreNoUseAtAll]

Sigh. Since I'm causing faces with my sex life already...

Is anyone else in a non monogamous relationship, or has been?

I could do with some tips, and if I look on the poly/open websites its all fine and dandy with no downsides.

I don't get jealous. Well, I suppose I would if he was laughing at me behind my back, or lying, or doing something that we had agreed was just for us or whatever, but that all comes under "cheating" for me anyway.

We're kind of open, slightly poly I suppose. Our main relationship by a long way is going to be each other. We were absolute best mates before we got together and so totally trust each other. I just don't see the point in being exclusive, and I know a lot of people feel the same.

There must be people on MN. Or people who can point me in the right direction.

Previously I've only been as far as swinger, and that is very straightforward.

How to handle it?

Honesty, honesty, honesty. Safety.

Ebearhug had some good points in her first post.

As I understand it, to have an ethical open partnership you have to keep your primary partner as your primary partner. He/she is the one who comes first and you have to agree the groundrules together. Anything that he/ she is not comfy with, you talk about. I gather that some things can be adjusted to over time, other times you have to accept that your partner is just not happy about something you want to do and then you have to respect that and not do it.

I imagine jealousy is fairly common. So the key to handling it is reassuring your primary partner that they come first, and sometimes backing off if there is something they just can't accept like I said above. Sometimes taking things slowly and giving them time to adjust. Keeping them happy means a conscious decision by you that they come first.

Other partners? They need to know the groundrules from the outset. There's very little chance of a long term relationship with you even if they want it. If things start to get messy emotionally (and non-monogamy is probably inherently less stable than monogamy) then you have to disengage.

Polyamory seems to take quite a lot of work actually. Lots of talking and consideration not only of your partner but of the others that you are with. Otherwise you're playing with old gelignite and people are going to get hurt unnecessarily, which is far from being in an open, ethical relationship. Seems to me that good polyamoury is not about doing anything you like without rules, but having a different broader set of rules that you go by. Still, rules.

Google Dan Savage. He's a blunt american sex columnist who has a sometimes-open relationship which is steady and works. He can put things really well.

My wife and I have been married 38 years and together 40. We have always had an open relationship and we are swingers too. Works brilliantly for us.

Just be honest, that's all. Don't lie and cheat.

chumplady.com/2013/10/monogamy-is-not-the-problem/

This is an interesting thread. I don't want to be monogamous but I want a relationship. I've found this very hard to negotiate as it's not a normal part of a dating timeline and IME most men do want to lock down a monogamous relationship fairly quickly. So I'm going to follow up the reading tips and try and articulate my needs because at the moment I'm just doing the dirty.

Wellwobbly that article is crap I have to say. It tells you nothing about how to practice ethical non-monogamy and that woman completely doesn't understand societal pressure and expectations. It's a defence of monogamy, it's not a helpful resource for anyone wanting to break outside the box.

I thought about this once upon a time. But as I got older, I realised I'm far too jealous. Never going to work out well for me

There is an element of boasting about how cool you are about this though. If it works for you, great. As long as everyone is honest about the situation, it's all good.

Fwiw, I don't think monogamy is a natural state. But age is teaching me that emotional fulfilment is more important to me than sexual fulfilment.

Totheteeth - I have found that okcupid is a good place to meet poly/open people.

Some people on this thread are being really rude to you, which is a shame.
I'm not particularly interested in polyamory. What little curiosity I might have had died when my previous partner was less than honest with me about the fact they were poly. It was a humiliating and saddening experience, and not one I'd want to repeat again. So, I would say complete honesty and transparency is essential, and also a fairly shrewd and detached eye for when you sense someone isn't really capable of being involved with you, for example when you think they are looking for exclusivity and you can't offer that on an emotional or physical level or whatever. Just be totally upfront with them at all times and listen to your gut.

I also think it's horrible that you feel the need to elaborate to others on this thread how you manage your mental health - that is really shitty for you to have to do that, and no-one should ever have to explain themselves in such a way. Suffering from MH issues doesn't mean that others have the right to ask rude and probing questions of a stranger - especially as the thread isn't about that.

I can't believe how incredibly fucking rude and insulting people have been on this thread!

Please don't feel you have to justify your parenting and mental health management to these judgemental wankers, OP.

Agree with Crabby and FabricQueen.

I know next to nothing about this area, however, try googling Greta Christina or follow her on twitter or read her blog. She is an American skeptic, feminist and also writes extensively on open relationships and polyamory. Her blog is quite a good resource for that IIRC.

Esther Perel talks about how consensual non monogamy can work and work well so give her a google too OP.

interestingly, i think more people are into polygamy than one knows?

with the advent of online dating, reckon its common to be in "relationships" with a few people at one time?

thirty something mum of two here

at one time i often am "technically single" but have one guy who i'm using as a lover but not really thinking of taking it any further (eg both my lovers this summer - one asked me to let him know if i ever wanted kids with him - and one wanted me to join him on his corporate travels) one whom i am going for coffee with, and am in love with another separate one as well!

but the pool of "men i'd be prepared to date and have sex with" is different and MUCH bigger than "the pool of men i want to have a 1-1 relationship and progressively work towards a future with".

so until i'm making a connection with someone in the 2nd group, its much better having a few on the go? (i sometimes try and gear myself towards "settling" for one "ok guy" but it never works! ) its not relevant, but i do "present very conservatively" as well.

i think often a woman can socially and emotionally "lose out" more by tying herself and her movements in life to one "acceptable but not outstanding" man than maybe keeping him as part of a harem? so basically "polygamy by default".

ps although for some reason i couldn't see myself doing the whole "sitting and talking to person A about how i'm up to 4th base with person B and can he give me some advice on person C?". that just seems asking for trouble and a bit "self involved and looking for drama" to me!

surely: (1) you know the other is seeing others (2) practice safe sex (3) act in a fairly responsible way - eg keep things socially and physically separate, don't blow off one person (fnar fnar) for another and then you're basically sorted?

My relationship is polyamorous. Not sure what sort of tips you're looking for here. General things for me (YMMV):

• sometimes things that are intellectually absolutely fine with me don't feel fine when they happen, and that's not anyone's fault - that's an "oh dear, better negotiate that differently next time." point.

• likewise, sometimes things that seem emotionally very difficult in theory turn out to be fine when they happen.

• know what you mean by jealousy/check other people you're talking to are aware of your definition [I have a clear distinction in my own mind between jealousy [an angry wanting to take away something from someone else that they don't deserve to have] and envy [me wanting something someone else has got, without wanting to take it away from them - an "I want some too" feeling].

• don't use safer sex rules for emotional comfort - you do need safer sex rules, but be wary of intertwining things ie. "no anal sex with anyone else, because it's higher risk" when you mean "I want to keep anal sex as something we only do with each other".

• remember that the only person whose behaviour you can control is your own. I tend to assert boundaries in the style of "if you x, I will y" ie. explaining my response to particular behaviour.

• keep talking to each other. Sometimes revisiting conversations after a chunk of time is good.

• a rule of mine is that I must have met someone's partners before I get involved with them - think about your own boundaries here; for me this is about avoiding having metamours who are drama causing/energy eating etc.

Hello
I identify as a polyamorist. Just wanted to join thread to show there are others who feel the same.
There used to be a poster who was very knowledgable and good called Solid Gold Brass - I think who had experience here.

Kotinka you're right, sorry - I've just reread and it is indeed one judgemental wanker making all those shitty comments.