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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to leave and need to not be embarrassed about it

19 replies

SouredStones · 23/10/2013 23:19

I'm laying in bed next to a man who makes me feel fat, ugly, unattractive, lazy, and sub human. Who thinks drinking a bottle of wine after work and 8 cans of cider each weekend day is not a drink problem. Who thinks having sex twice a month is 'a lot of sex'

This is a man who thought nothing of spending £1600 on a selfish personal purchase when me and the kids were crying out for a break because of the stress we've been under. That he's bought 3 cars that have had to be scrapped because they are pieces of shit. That refuses to let me get a new mattress even though this one is over 15 years old and I have spinal arthritis.

This is a man who left me to miscarry alone and yelled at me when I returned from hospital the day before it happened because I had 'embarrassed him in front of his friends' and then has the audacity to tell me 'it wasn't alive it had no heart beat' (I found out at 9 weeks it's heart has stopped and had had two scans in the two weeks preceding it) and that I couldn't possibly understand how hard it's been for him living with me since then as i 'need to stop dwelling on it'

This is a man who refuses to do anything with the children, sulks if we go out for the day and he can't drink and yells at them for playing quietly together.

I need to leave. I need to not be embarrassed that we've barely been married coming up for 18 months, wake up and realise this piece of shit is not what I want in my life any more.

So why can't I leave? What the fuck am I doing still here?

OP posts:

JessePinkmansWitch · 23/10/2013 23:22

Hold your head up high tell yourself that you are worth more than this twat, that you and your children deserve a lot better. Fuck anyone else and what they think. Do this for you and your children. You can leave.

BigOrangeFucker · 23/10/2013 23:30

Oh OP I really feel for you. Without meaning to sound harsh, wouldn't you be a lot more embarrassed if you let things continue and ended up leaving after 18 years not months? You are worth so much more than this. You can do it.

Hawkmoth · 23/10/2013 23:32

Well I wasn't embarrassed to leave my XH after less than six months and he wasn't a total wanker, he was just a horrible bastard. You can do it.

CharityFunDay · 23/10/2013 23:39

Oh my good God. I've just read your OP and I have no idea why you can't leave this man.

Some people you can't resist because they're so attractive one way or another; some people are so repellent they push you away.

Your 'man' strikes me as the latter.

For God's sake, get out.

Do you have family you could stay with?

Original poster

SouredStones · 23/10/2013 23:42

I think it is just the embarrassment of not being married long that's doing it. Being the family disappointment for not keeping yet another relationship together.

Also because we are married and I feel duty bound to try and make it work even though every part of me is screaming to leave.

I do have family but not nearby.

OP posts:

CharityFunDay · 23/10/2013 23:44

I do have family but not nearby.

Define "not nearby".

Original poster

SouredStones · 23/10/2013 23:46

It would take me over an hour in commuter traffic to get the kids to school and me to work. Realistically it's only 25 miles away but far enough to make it impractical to stay with them.

Although half term is next week and I am off work for it. We are due to go away but I don't think I can face it.

OP posts:

BillyBanter · 23/10/2013 23:48

Well if you are concerned about what people will think, compare the following:

Ending this marriage and marching on to hope of a better future and having people think 'why did she end the marriage so soon?

Staying unhappy in your marriage for a 'suitable' 5,10,15 ? years of being ground down and having people think 'why did she stay married so long?'

chinley · 24/10/2013 00:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaBumble · 24/10/2013 00:22

I understand what you mean about feeling duty bound, but you know what? Fuck that sort of duty.
Your duty is to your children and your self.
Get your head clear on that one, and the test will follow.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/10/2013 07:16

I think a big part of why you're struggling to leave is that you're looking at the full enormity of what it means - everything from social pressure to the morning commute - and finding it all too daunting. It's like any big project. i.e. If you break it down into small steps, it's easier to contemplate. Similarly, it's easier if you ask for help. That might mean CAB, a solicitor, your local authority, family (even if it's distant), friends, the MN community...

Have the courage of your convictions. Where there is a will, there's a way.

killpeppa · 24/10/2013 20:41

I ended my marriage today...

I've been married one year & 16 days.

mine cheated, over and over again we tried to make it work.
I've had no access to money, couldn't even get on a bus if I wanted too.

but I plucked up the courage today & told him. we agreed to separate (amicable).

sounds not too far off mine- although my H loves doing stuff with the kids.

life is too short to spend it miserable- if he doesn't make you happy there will be someone else out there who will be glad to:)

bubalou · 24/10/2013 22:13

Didn't want to read and run OP.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I'm just going to say what I'm sure everybody else is - he is a fucking arsehole and you deserve better.

I know it's not as easy as us saying 'leave the bastard' but you are obviously a smart woman and I think you know from your post that you should leave and that you will be much better off.

It's going to be hard and he's a prick so he's going to make it hard for you but I can guarantee from someone that's left a bloke like this before - you will never regret it.

SeaSickSal · 24/10/2013 22:16

Can't you kick him out rather than leaving?

WearingAnUmbrellaHat · 24/10/2013 22:17

I was embarrassed when I split with my ex-husband at 23. I was divorced at 25!! Even 5 years down the line I hardly ever tell new people as I am embarrassed even though even he admitted it was all his fault. My point is, I know how you feel but you must do what is right for you. Have the courage and conviction and don't look back.

fieldfare · 24/10/2013 22:20

Sod any embarrassment. Get the hell out of there, or better still tell him to get the hell out. He sounds like a waste of space, time and energy. You and your children are worth more than that.

scurryfunge · 24/10/2013 22:21

Sweetheart, you need to begin living. He is not good for you or your children. You seem strong. Go for it! You deserve a good life.

notanyanymore · 24/10/2013 22:26

OP you might be surprised by peoples reactions to you walking away from your marriage, they might well have opinions they don't openly share with you whilst you are still in it. A woman that walks away from a relationship that is damaging for herself and her children, despite the difficulties, is inspiring.
The hardest step is the first one.

humphryscorner · 24/10/2013 22:36

As another poster said life is too short to be unhappy , he sounds like a complete dick head. A fuck

One step at a time op , you can do it

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