DP's ex still bothering us

[FeelingMisled]

It has now been over two years and she's still in contact. He doesn't respond (and hasn't for many months) but she is still doing it. She called him at 4 o'clock this morning! My DP didn't answer and turned it off as quickly as he could but it had already woken me up. I work full time while commuting for 4 hours every day and studying part-time, so I'm exhausted all the time at the moment. I was absolutely livid that she would call at that hour. It took me an hour to get back to sleep and I am good for nothing today. We've had problems before with her sending him inappropriate emails (which he shows me) but this really is crossing a line, isn't it?

Is she unwell? Do they have DC together?

She was unwell a while ago but she's better now. They don't have any DC. I just can't see any reason for her to call him at that time.

He needs to have her number blocked, or he switches his phone off overnight.

Does she leave messages?

Did he leave her for you? Not that it particularly makes a difference but might explain it.

Has he told her to stop contacting him? Are there financial issues still to be sorted out?

If she has no need to contact him (you already said no DC, so unless there are finances to deal with eg selling their home or shared debts) then she shouldn't be doing it. Even if the messages are 'friendly', if she's been told to fuck off but won't do so, you can involve the police, as persistent unwanted contact is legally classed as harassment.

I agree, if there is no possible reason for the calls other than her trying to connect, then in that case your DP needs to manage this a lot better. He could block her, for a start.

She needs to move on. He needs to stop 'offering' even a sniff of a possible crumb of comfort to her.

I don't think ignoring this woman will make her go away. Too passive. I think it's going to take some kind of active intervention where you approach her (together) and tell her to leave you alone in the first instance and maybe even with lawyers as a last resort. I don't know how often these calls and mails happen but stalking is a criminal offence

Thing is, even if the DP did leave his ex for the OP, the ex still has to suck it up and fuck off. No one has the right to pursue and harass someone who has dumped them just because they didn't like being dumped.

Unless he owes her money, she needs to be told to fuck off or expect a visit from the police.

Start with:

'do not contact me again under any circumstances. If you do I will consider it harassment and will be taking appropriate action'.

If she contacts him again:

get a solicitor to knock up a letter telling her to cease and desist. Piece of piss for any solicitor.

And if she contacts him again:

contact the police. They can have a word with her.

If she contacts him again:

Get an injunction out and contact the police every time she breaks it.

that's my suggestion.

She now claims that she called the wrong person by mistake, but I just don't see how that can be as the phone rang for ages. She also said it's my problem for being so 'defensive'. I feel like I'm going a little bit crazy. He won't back me up.

He won't back me up.

And there's your problem. Him.

What's the deal, then, with him and her? Guilt? Feeling flattered? Owing her money? Actually still caring? You are not going crazy or being crazy; but you do need to be quite frank about your feelings here and your DP's role in maintaining this drama.

And by the way, . I know from experience this is bloody hard.

Calling somebody else at 4am? really?

He won't back you up.
This is your problem. Him not her. If he was prepared to back you up you could sort this out as Billy advised - solicters, police quite easily.

It sounds like there might be something between them and they are gas lighting you. Is this relationship worth the stress?

What does she say when she calls? Does it give a clue to why she keeps getting in touch? I'm not saying its justified, but it might give an indicator of her motivation for doing this (revenge, still hoping to have him back, unfinished business re: money etc)

And I presume the 'claims to be calling someone else' were made in yet another phone call between her and your DP? And he 'helpfully' passed on her opinion to you that she thinks you are being 'defensive'?

He is not being your friend here.

Did you call her to establish what she wanted then? Or did he?

I emailed her to ask what the hell she was doing calling him at 4am. She replied that it was a mistake, she had called the wrong person, that I had 'nothing to fear' from her and she didn't know why I was getting 'so defensive' about it. Her contact is not frequent enough to be stalkerish; she'll go silent for weeks and then something like this happens. It's also difficult to say something without coming across as crazy and jealous because she emails him 'just for a catch-up' and sends these long emails discussing their time together and the mementoes she gave him.

I have told him that if anything like this ever happens again I will leave him, and I mean it. This is the last straw as far as I'm concerned. He has capitulated now (or at least said that he will) but I wish he had done it without he ultimatum.

Oh OP, I feel for you, I really do.

But you shouldn't [need to] be emailing his Ex. Not unless there is a really good reason, such as DC care or a financial issue to take care of.

I can completely understand that it is a dealbreaker for you.

What they are doing is pathetic. They both need to move on.

change phone numbers- or is he lying?

I wonder if she's trying to make you doubt him? Or if she's still seeing him.

She IS picking away at a sore and HE hasn't told her to FTFO.

the ultimatum has been given, and needs to be adhered to. IMO.

I've been with someone with a cling on GF, 10 years! I dumped him a couple of years ago, the sad bint STILL tries to contact him, but he won't tell her to get a life, because he needs the ego stroke.

most unattractive tbh

Some people do like to have a 'crazy' XP lurking, clinging and whining. It feeds their egos and keeps the current partner on edge as the message it sends out is 'I am so incredibly desirable that you have to work hard to keep me. No one who has had so much as a sniff of my Mighty Penis can ever forget it or be happy without my wonderfulness. But I am so wonderful that I am happy to throw my XPs a few crumbs from timéto time.'

Yep, biggest kick in the nuts the Ex got was when emailed her and said she could have my cast off as I was finished with it.

God if my ex was jeopardising my relationship like that I'd block his number, failing that change my number and the same goes for my email address. I mean, how easy is it to block someone from contacting you via phone and email these days?

Seriously this is something he should have nipped in the bud ages ago.