Ex has new girlfriend - feel rather shocked but don't know why!

[Kernowgal]

Just found out my ex is seeing someone new. We split up over a year and a half ago and I have never ever wanted to get back together with him, he is a nasty arsehole, EA and violent to boot. So why do I feel like I've been punched in the chest? I thought something was up when he turned up with a new FB profile and a nice smiley photo, and I snooped today (yeah I know, I know, curiosity killed the cat and all that). Lo and behold she's put a message up saying she can't wait to see him that evening.

All I want to do is email her to tell her to watch out for herself, and if he shouts at her to get the hell out of dodge, it's the first sign that he's not all he says he is. Not going to do that, I don't know her from adam, but I feel a bit sick.

Yuck yuck yuck. Another woman falls for his initial charms. She'll soon find out what he's really like.

Heard that my H (left him 2years ago) is moving in with OW a few weeks ago and I cried for several days.!! I don't know why I ,like you wouldn't want what I had but the pain was really raw.

I had to make a choice to try and not think about it. Maybe for me it was that feeling of being the only one who knows him?
As I say I am over it again now but it is weird isn't it?

I know how you feel, when my dc dad got with someone new and I saw how she was falling for all his lies I couldnt help feeling like I was watching someone being mugged

Vanity :) However crappy the ex, there's always a tiny piece of us that wants them to live out the rest of their lives lonely and remorseful that they didn't know what a good thing they had ... that or just die and do the world a favour. Sadly there's never any Karma around when you need it. You can't really e-mail the new girlfriend, unfortunately. I don't suppose you would have believed someone if they'd warned you off when you first met him?

FB is not good for letting you move on. The time to de-friend is long overdue.

It's really weird! I think it's partly because he was so horrible to me that I can't even contemplate being in another relationship for a while yet; however, he has moved on quite happily. I guess that's unsurprising for such a selfish arsehole.

We aren't friends on FB - he just popped up in the 'people you may know' bit with a new profile and it made me suspicious as it was such a friendly, smiley pic, so I sneaked a peek.

"die and do the world a favour" haha this made me giggle And you're right, I wouldn't have believed anyone who said he was anything other than lovely, until about three weeks in when I got glimpses of his temper. But even then I don't think it would have made any difference. I was very naive.

I think that it because, at heart, we still think it is our fault that they were abusive tossers - after all, that is what they told us, and we think that the 'new' partner is just proof that it was us who caused all the shit.
They aren't!!!! and It wasn't!!!!
We gave all our love and lives to the shitfaces and got shit in return.
We may think that they are all loved up and happy. After all they told us that it was us who were causing the unhappiness.
Abusers are not all loved up - they only love themselves
Abusers are not happy - they are not capable of happiness
But most of all - they are NONE of our business any more - our business is healing and rebuilding our lives.
Not sure if any of that makes sense
Onwards and Upwards

Arthriticfingers, That makes so much sense

You are very wise ArthriticFingers, I think that's definitely part of it - like I made him that way. In my head I know that's not the case, I did everything I could to make things right between us but as we all know they keep moving the goalposts so you can never do right for doing wrong.

Onwards and upwards indeed!

I couldnt help feeling like I was watching someone being mugged

Thats the best description I have read of how it feels. You know what they are going to suffer, you know what they are going into and you can't do a damned thing about it. All you can do is hope that they read the signs a lot better and get out a lot quicker :(

Maybe it's also because they've caused us such unhappiness, Kernow, we think they deserve to suffer too! But they don't, because they don't have enough depth of feeling. Worse, that same lack of real feeling means they attach publicly, strongly and with a great of showiness and to anyone new. They're apparently 'blissfully happy', and ostentatious about it, when they ought to be hurting as badly as you..... the injustice...!

With abusive types it is all fakery, though: and it's very sad to see someone believe all the show, and walk blindly into the trap that you just escaped.

But even if you're in a position to warn the new person, you would most likely be seen as bitter or jealous. If it's someone you care about that doesn't matter, but if not, not much you can do.

I do sympathise though. The best comfort, scant though it is, is to remember it's him, not you, and he will never be any different.

Thank you wordyBird, you are right. It just seems such a shame that these men are able to behave like this again and again, leaving such a wake of destruction.

I've gone for the 'living well is the best revenge' approach. He was always jealous of me, so it seems particularly appropriate.