Living with the hurt - advice please

[Notnastypasty]

I'm fairly new to mumsnet and looking for advice or perspectives on my situation as my head is in a mess.

I found out 2 months ago that DH has been having an affair for a few months with a colleague. I found texts (mostly of a casual nature) and he confessed. It was by all accounts an emotional affair (not sure if that's justified as they kissed several times on work nights out). He finished it with her straight away and said he wanted to work on our marriage, has shown much remorse, sat down with our parents and owned up so they could support us through the next few months if we needed it.

I was in shock at first - he is the last person you would think is capable of it. Usually very trustworthy, brilliant dad and husband, everyone that knows him says what a genuine guy he is, how happy we always are together and what an amazing dad he is. He's never had a day sick off work, etc, his family call him golden balls! We spent so much time together I didn't believe he'd have time for an affair!

Looking back I know I had gotten lazy in our relationship and didn't make much effort, nagged a bit and so on. I am not excusing his behaviour for a minute - he could have talked to me about things at any time and tried to sort things but he chose a different route.

He has tried very hard to make things right but I feel like I have lost my much loved DH and best friend all at once. I'm finding it very hard to contemplate walking away as my parents have each been married multiple times and I have been through the upheaval it caused and don't want that for my dd or myself. But how can I live with somebody who has caused me so much heartache and treated me like nothing when someone showed him some attention? And why do I still love him when he's been an absolute twunt?!

Sorry for waffling on. Is this salvageable? Is this a blip/one mistake for a bloke who's never done anything else wrong? Any advice gratefully received.

Is he still working with her?

has he examined why he felt entitled to cheat on you?

I would recomend the book 'Just Good Friends' by Shirley Glass if you are determined to try to work through this.

So sorry you are going through this

Yes I've read the book, it was helpful. He does still work with her but their paths don't cross at work - it was a work night out where they met originally.

He doesn't know why he did it, knows he's been an idiot but not sure why, we are starting counselling in a couple of weeks so may dig deeper then.

You still love him because it's very difficult to flip emotions overnight. He's still there ... you don't mention him leaving.... so, to all intents and purposes, nothing's outwardly changed. I expect there was a feeling of relief on your part that he chose you over her... I'm guessing now... and that damped down the shock a little. (Sitting down with parents sounds a little odd.... why did you feel the need to do that?)

Two months on, with the initial shock over, and after you've had chance to think, your real feelings about the affair are beginning to emerge. You're looking at it more rationally, looking at him more critically and I wonder if you're thinking 'is he worth the bother?' Many people in your position decide the answer is 'no' and go their separate ways.

Counselling can be helpful and some couples survive affairs by being fully engaged with making the relationship work, fully honest etc. But counselling can't regrow trust or make you un-remember what happened.

Has HE read the book?

Time, counselling for him to work out why HE felt entitled to do this, and then later, couples counselling to address what issues you both feel were a problem in your marriage (if any). YOU don't have to do anything you don't want to, it's up to him to prove he is worthy of trust again. And even after all that you still aren't obliged to stay.

This quote rings very true in this kind of situation:

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break,and forever to repair. If its lost it's not easily found and if it is found its never the same again.

The problem is, you have just carried on. There were no consequences for him and you are probably realising and resenting that.
You are suffering and he has just managed to carry on.
If you are feeling like you need some head space then ask him to give you some.
You can't just forgive and forget and move on. These things take time.
Could he go somewhere for a few days so he is not arround and you can think about what you want without him being there?
Ask him to move out and give yourself some time.
May sound like a huge step but it may help you to either see that you are happier with him out of the house or that you miss him and are willing to work things through.
So sorry you are going through this. Never forget that cheats minimise their affairs.
Do what's right for YOU right now!

Cogito you're spot on, I think there was relief at first and now resentment. Ormirian, you're right, I'm not obliged to stay long run, I feel kind of trapped as I want my daughter to have a different upbringing from me but I know I do have choices.
Hellsbells, I probably could do with space but am worried if he leaves we'll both decide it's better than arguing about this every day when we've had a good marriage up until this. He's been an asshole of the worst kind but I still want to make it work. Makes me feel like a loser.

I feel really sorry for you but sometimes we just can't have what we want. You want a DH that never had an affair and you can't have that now. Shit happens. Things will never be the same. Wanting to make it work doesn't make you a loser but the way you approach it can be the difference between retaining your self-respect and feeling secure that you've done the right thing.... or a life filled with resentment, suspicion and feeling you compromised your values. If you're arguing every day that's presumably not the type of upbringing you envisaged for your DD either.

I still think you need some space with him away from you to think things through.
You don't want to live like this for the next 10-20 years do you?
If you kick him out for a while you may feel like he now has some consequences for what he's done and be less resentful.
Maybe not - but you won't know unless you do it.
It can't be good for your DD to hear/see you arguing every day either.
It must be so hard. I was going to try to make it work too but just couldn't do it and had to live with him for 6 months. Not fun.
But he did leave and a weight lifted.

You do try at first but then you realise it's not OK to put up with it.
But don't forget, many couples do work through affairs and some come out stronger.

I'd say that you can't work this out if you have had no time apart.
If you are going to be together and love and be faithful for the rest of your lives, a few months apart will help not hinder that. If you aren't going to get through this then you will also think that is right as you learn to be on your own but still with him in your life.

Your dd needing her dad and your experiences of you dps marriages are not a reason to live in this state of sadness.

Can you explain why you are linking your behaviour to his?

Is he saying that his affair was caused even in part by you getting lazy in your relationship, your nagging and lack of effort?

If not, why are you doing that?

There's also a contradiction here because you write that your husband says he doesn't know why he had an affair.

He needs to, otherwise it could happen again.

Why are you having couples counselling when from what you've said, your marriage had been pretty good up until this? Is this to repair the relationship from the damage caused by his affair or is it to find out why the affair happened?

Where are you going for that counselling? Is it Relate?

I reiterate a question posed earlier. Has your husband read that book? Has he read anything else as well or instead of it?

If not, why not?

OP this is very similar to a situation my DH got into some 3 plus years ago.Not a fully physical affair but months of flirting and developing friendship,texting,sexting with an OW who he knew through work,their paths crossed, but whom he didn't work directly with or need to see for work purposes.
I totally understand where you are.And once the initial shock and numbness passes the real anger kicked in for me.What I failed to do ,as posters on here suggest was ask my DH to move out and give me some space. That was a big mistake and made recovery harder and longer I retrospectively now believe.But we had all sorts of family stuff going on at the time,plus a joint business to run ,so it simply wasn't that easy to do so.Also I think I was scared that if I asked from some time out it meant I was saying there was no way back,and divorce was inevitable.I realise now that's not necessarily the case.
We did stay together and worked things through,and I can give you a more positive slant on things and say I am glad, and we are strong and solid again once more.After so many years together, almost 3 decades and 3 great DCs, and him always been kind,supportive,hard working and I great dad I wanted to try and be forgiving and give him a chance to prove he was as sorry as he said he was.He stepped up to that.It was his idea to go for counselling.
FWIW also I wouldn't say there have been no consequences for your DH if both sets of patents know.That's a big fall from grace- and rightly so - in their eyes and something he will always have to live with.
I wish you well,and eventual peace of mind and happiness.It can come back in some cases.But only you can decide if you can forgive eventually.And I would strongly recommend some time to yourself ,if only a few days to take some deep breaths ,step away from the arguments and think.

Sorry meant both sets of parents !

Snugglepiggy - thanks for your reply, its nice to hear of people who have come out the other side. It's a horrible time that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy (except maybe the ow!)

Hellsbells - sorry to hear it didnt work out for you,who knows if it will for us, we can but try.

Cogito - your post really resonated with me - shit happens! You're right and I just need to deal with it with dignity however I can and stop wishing it hadnt happened because it has and nothing can change that.

We are going for counselling with a couples counseller who also works for relate part time. We are going to try and repair the damage caused by the affair and to try and understand why he did it (apart from being a twunt). He has read a book (can't think which one as I have read about 4!) but to be honest I think he's finding the whole thing a bit hard to swallow (I know, its a bit rich) but I think he wants to pretend he never did it although we have talked ALOT, too much I think as I'm bloody sick of it now. I think the counselling and having to talk about it with someone else will make it all seem a bit more real IYSWIM. He can't believe the hurt he has caused (really?!) but I think he compartmentalized so much it was like another personality doing this as it was so out of character - shit excuse I know (he's never said that but its how I perceive it at the moment).

As long as you realise you're under no obligation to forgive you may also feel a little better. If he's making excuses, hoping it all goes away and pretending not to know the hurt caused... you can stop the process at any time and tell him to forget it.

I don't understand how so many women inparticular take their cheating partner back. They chose to cheat on you for many reasons that they will never truthfully tell you. And really if they cared and totally truly loved you then they would never cheat or even look at another woman in the way they look at you. I'm not a quitter but if someone is willing to chuck all what you had together away for a cheap affair then why put yourself through hard work counselling when just walk away and he can't damage or hurt you ever again. Good luck

Str8tothepoint - I don't understand either and never thought I would be one of them but I do feel I have to try. I want to try my best to stick by my marriage vows even if he doesn't. If he ever shows me a lack of respect in any way again I will be leaving immediately. I think most people are capable of being faithful until the opportunity presents itself at just the 'right' time. Since this has happened I look at things in a different light. I certainly wouldn't tar everyone with the same brush but my dh has been a great husband up until now and I never dreamed he was capable of this - neither did he. I do think my behaviour made him unhappy at times, this is NOT an excuse for doing what he did but I always happy because everything was my way. I wasn't perfect but to all intents and purposes he was a perfect bloke (family and friends agree). If he'd ever acted like a shit before I wouldn't still be trying to make it work.

IMHE the fact that my H got another woman wasn't the worst thing he'd done to me so we could have got over that, but I was ready to move on anyway - she did me a favour!!!!

str8 no one understands it, unless they have lived through it. Everyone says deal breaker, until it happens, and then reactions vary depending on the circumstances.

Not I'm one of the few who has stayed and made it work. It's bloody hard, I'll not sugar the pill. You have to both want it, both be prepared to deal with the bad days (there will be many), both prepared to change to make things work, but most of all the running has to come from him. If he isn't falling over himself to prove he is sorry, that you can trust him, that it will never happen again.... if he isn't desperate to make you happy... walk away.

I'm 17 months on. We're happy, together, sorted. To get there we first split up, I filed for divorce, and we started talking and made friends. I personally went out and rediscovered 'me' and got my self esteem, and spark back. I liked this new me better than the miserable wife I'd become. I liked the new funny, humble and grounded friend my DH had become. The rest is history.

It can work, but I'd caution against just carrying on as you were before. Find yourself first. You need to know you can be happy on your own before you can be sure you can be happy with him. Don't stay because you are scared of the alternative.