"Hell have no fury like a woman scorned"... tell me I'm not alone ?

[Teachmespells]

My DH walked out and left us a few months ago now, I've been in pieces ever since. I suspect well know there is someone else.

I'm trying to get on with life, trying to be strong for our daughter and consider myself now to be coping reasonably well, my appetite has returned and generally I don't cry so much though suspect I'm in some sort of period of denial and limbo

I am however consumed by terrible anger for all the hurt and the upset he has caused and all the dreams and happily ever afters he's left behind.

Please tell me that my wish to make his life hell, tear chunks from his limbs
and claw her eyes out are normal ?!

Sending flowers to myself pretending they are from my fantasy new love struck man wouldn't be too mad would it ? the aim to make him jealous is clearly futile but would make me feel a darn sight better

I've heard plenty of 'tricks and treats' that women in my situation have done to their man and even the OW, please help me feel less insane and share yours to make me laugh at my own insanity?

I'm sorry Teachme here are some

I do believe anger is a natural step and completely normal.

Don't get too caught up spending your energy trying to make him jealous. It won't work, and will only make you feel worse. If you focus on doing stuff to get back at him, then when it doesn't work, it will only make you feel more rejected. You need to focus on yourself and your daughter only - your #1 priority is making you feel better.

Want to know what I did? - 2 days after my DP walked out on me I booked a holiday of a lifetime that he had always refused to go on with me. It was difficult going alone, but so liberating. I also kept really really busy, made a vow to myself that I wouldn't turn down any offers for any days / nights out from friends. When you're stuck in a rut with a relationship it's easy to find yourself saying no to stuff because you'd rather stay at home... well I forced myself to go out all the time. It really helped.

So, if going off on holiday isn't practical - how about treating yourself to all the other things that you have always wanted to do but couldn't because you were with him. Start pampering yourself and stop focusing on trying to punish him.

The best revenge you can have on him is to be happier and having more fun than you ever did when you were with him, and eventually you'll realize that what he thinks of you doesn't matter and you won't care

Good lord no, suppose he found out you'd sent the flowers to yourself, how sad would that look? Maybe buy flowers just because, well, you deserve flowers, from you to you. (If you don't happen to mention you bought them yourself and your H chooses to believe someone else did, that can only be a bonus ) And I second the idea of a holiday or some other enjoyable activity you can do now because Old Miseryguts isn't there to spoil it.

Perhaps you could try turning your thought process slightly?

Instead of being angry at all the happy ever afters that are now no more, consider all the possibilities open to you now?

I know this is difficult, but could also be very therapeutic.

What things did you do before or wanted to do that dh didn't like, value etc?

There is nothing more attractive to anyone than a strong, confident person.

Find your mojo, he'll come crawling back, and the joy is you won't care by then.

Xx

Cosy... you've just made me sit and well up at my desk at work! Thank you. I hear totally what you're saying and have yearned for and thought of a holiday, just not practical right now for work reasons.

Thanks so much for the very wise words - I'm trying hard to not get all focused and caught up in my own bitterness and anger and hurt as I know it's not the answer. Sorry to hear your DP walked out on you and am glad that you didn't get stuck in a rut. I couldn't agree with you more just need to find a babysitter now so I can start doing things like going out again.

Yes annie, I will just get flowers for me and stop being a silly fool and trying to invent stupid stories and lies.

It's just so bloody hard!!!

Sorry uptheanty we cross posted.

I like your thinking, I know too again like already the other wise ladies have said that just thinking like that will work better. I was a strong and confident women before all this mess and I've just got to get that back.

Blimey the magic of Mumsnet in matter of minutes this is working and making me laugh, smile and hold back tears

I'd say you were normal. I remember having frequent and nasty dreams where I would be punching my exH in the face and he would just stand there looking totally unbothered. No need for a psychologist to work out what that meant :) ... frustration at being unable to inflict hurt on someone that had hurt me.

Having said that, I did do a few things to get my own back. Cancelling his beloved gold card was surprisingly satisfying. What actually helped was that my work suddenly became very international, I volunteered to travel and ended up spending so long away from home that it's a wonder I paid UK tax. Bit like joining the foreign legion..

Stay busy, keep your dignity and look after yourself. Good luck

personally I think anger can be a very healthy emotion and releasing your anger in the right way can be very therapeutic.
last year I went through therapy to come to terms with my past abusive relationship and I went through a stage of anger and resentment. I bought myself a punch bag and beat the shit out of it, I toned my arms and legs in the process and now ive joined a kick boxing class.
I think its about finding a place to channel your anger and let it all out without consequences perhaps a voodoo doll, an angry letter that you don't send..?
also now you can do all the stuff your ex didn't like! for me I turned on all the lights "its like Blackpool eliminations in here!" , spend two hours in the bath, rearranged the furniture, dyed my hair ect ect.
go have fun

Cogito Ouch how horrid to even not be able to escape the anger in your dreams.. feel slightly relieved that I seem so exhausted at moment that isn't happy. A friend said to me about not being emotional - and I shall add keeping my dignity to that mantra to keep me battling on.

MzPixie Love it, wish we had space for a punch bag that would be right up my street at the moment.. stupid thing is I end up getting so cross with myself for caring and not being able to channel all my pent up energy into theraputic tactics and things for myself it infuriates me more - blinking going round in circles - though already feeling motivated not to out of sheer determination. Having a decent hair colour is on my to do list (which annoyingly seems to never get done!) thanks for reminder.

Thanks for the reassurances I'm not completely insane and it's all normal.

It is normal. I still want nasty things to happen to my XH and I'm 18 months on from his walking out.

Some karma has happened already which is great . But the main thing is to concentrate on yourself.

A man said to me on Saturday night, that in order to attract somebody you need to be happy, confident and comfortable in your own skin.

The best revenge is to live well .

Quite normal I think, but the only objection I have is to the phrase itself in the title of your OP.

It's horribly sexist and misleading because men feel anger too but that emotion is far easier tolerated in men and it isn't trivialised by the assumption that their anger will be covertly discharged in pointless acts of vengeance.

The phrase itself works against women because so many of us have a resistance to being regarded as 'hysterical' (derived from the word womb) that some women feel they don't have the right to feel or express anger at all.

Bullshit.

Anger is a great, energising and healthy emotion as long as it doesn't harm you personally and as long as it causes no damage to person or property.

If it's used to propel you to the next stage of recovery and a determination to create a better life for yourself, it's done its job.

Why wouldn't you be angry after all? It would seem very unhealthy to me if a woman didn't feel anger if she'd been lied to, deceived and left with responsibilities that should have been shared.

If it ever happened to me, I'd feel angry alright but I wouldn't try to talk myself out of it because it would be justifiable and healthy. I hope I'd use it wisely though and make it work for me.

Hello op. First of all I'm sorry to hear your arsehole ex is putting you through this shit. It sucks.

I think anger is normal and natural. As is the fantasising about revenge. I remember making a great big long list of all the things I could and would've been totally justified do. Some quite extreme! I ended the list by writing "of course I won't do those things because I'm a better person that you, fuckerlugs". Very cathartic.

I'd like to basically say what Cosi said. I also booked a marvellous holiday and it was such an adventure going by myself. I felt really empowered that I'd done it all myself - including surviving a hurricane!! And the surprise in my ex's voice when he called, heard a foreign ring tone and asked where I was, to hear me answer "Key West" was priceless!

I too kept very busy at work.

I also did what Cosi did and never turned a going out opportunity down. In fact I was so booked up socially that when I did eventually meet someone new, it took a good few months before I was free to see him!!

Good luck to you op. You will emerge from this stronger, happier and wiser xx

I didn't take any revenge at all.
Karma took care of that one for me and is still doing so!

I too went on a lovely holiday with my DD.
I wrote all my emotions down too. How I was feeling and why.
I also went out a lot with my friends. They were my total saviours, bless them.

It will start to get easier once you can let go and start living for yourself.
It will take time. I cried buckets for months but then started to turn the corner. You will too.
So many of us have been right where you are and we know how you feel.
And most (or all) of us can say, that it does get better and you will move on and you will find happiness.

I have to echo the other posters - revenge isn't the answer. The best thing to do is to live well.

I left my abusive (DV,EA and cheating) ex a number of years ago and went through a hellish divorce. He lied constantly - in court during the divorce, and at every opportunity before and after. I stayed dignified and moved on with my life. I'm now happily married to a wonderful man. The icing on the cake is that he has just been very publicly sacked from a high profile job - not for the first time. I'm not sure that he will ever be able to secure a job again. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy!

Fake it till you make it, is my motto. Never let him see you're bothered. Don't ask him any questions unless they're directly related to your daughter. Don't ask for his opinion and don't ask for his help.

When he calls for your daughter, let her answer the door in her coat, ready to go.

You actually have a babysitter - him. Why should you stay in every evening when he doesn't? Make sure you use him for this regularly. Try to do something for yourself, a class or activity, and have one night a week when you see friends. If he objects, say sharply, "So you get to go out seven times a week and you expect me to stay in? I don't think so."

Invite your friends round at the weekend when you've got your daughter at home. Take her away too, visit families or go on day trips. Join the Ramblers with her and go on walking trips with other people. Take her swimming.

It's normal to feel as you do; we've all felt it, but it's unhealthy, too.

Yes, I agree with the surprise in their voice when they realise you're doing something for yourself, particularly when it's something you didn't do when you were with them.

Fake it till you make it is perfect.

Don't make your life about getting back at him - it's about you and your DD. The hardest thing I did when my DP left was I forced myself not to contact him (we had no DCs so it was easier).. I kept thinking how proud I would be of myself if I held on to my dignity.

And, years on, I'm still the proudest of that - I never contacted him, never begged him to come back or anything. It was the strongest thing I've ever done.

And you can have your weak times, just don't let him see it. Throw yourself a pity party with some Sex and the City or Bridget Jones, let it all out, then pick yourself up again.

And you've always got MN here whenever you need a hand hold

Thanks so much everyone.

Some really wise and clever words - that I shall be no doubt learning by heart - some brilliant mottos.

I'm going to hold onto my dignity and not let him get the better of me, I totally agree with what's been said and really appreciate it.

I love the idea of joining things and funny, something like walking really appeals..

Along with the anger I also have a feeling of being ashamed and humiliated by it all which I'm hugely frustrated by as I know I have nothing to be ashamed of, just this sinking feeling of being a failure which I know I'm not I've got to keep my head high! I totally agree that I need to find that happiness in my own skin again (I was always so proud I was)

Thank you so much for sharing your advice with me and it's so horrid that this has happened to so many of you - I'm so happy for to hear of those that have moved on and found happiness again.

You are sooo right.
You have nothing to be ashamed of or feel like a failure. That's all him. It will take a while to sink in but you'll get there.
I also really found myself when DH left. Lost weight, hair done, got fit etc.... I've never looked or felt better. Another kick in the teeth for the ex, to see his eyes pop out of his head was priceless!
Each day will get slightly easier - then you'll have a big wobble - then it gets better again - until you finally feel like you again!
Good luck - you'll be amazed in a year how much you have changed.