DH has always been a quiet man but now it feels worse

[ladyluckylula]

I'm so worried about my relationship with my dh. He has always been quiet. I knew that when I married him. But now it feels like we don't communicate very well at all. I end up asking all the questions and making all the effort. I feel like he comes in from work with nothing to bring to the table. No stories, no jokes, no questions. Its baffling.

I can't understand and get so cross about it and then end up blurting it all out which I know must make it worse. He says he can't change and 'that is the way he is' but I think it's got worse. He's got lazy. All of the romantic gestures have disappeared as well. It's like he's lost his imagination.

We have two kids (4 and 2) and he's fantastic with them. He chats and plays and jokes with them. Sometimes I hear him ask my dd a question. Might be something simple like 'what was your favourite bit of today?' and I think.... He wouldn't dream of asking me that! I don't want him to treat me like a child but I just wish some magic and wonder and excitement would come back.

18 month ago I remember having a conversation with a friend who had got divorced and actually thinking 'I can't relate to that happening at all' and now here I am wondering if he is the right person for me. I keep thinking as he gets older its going to get worse and worse.

I love him but it drives me mental and it's such a massively important part of the relationship. I work from home a lot and although have a fabulous support network of amazing friends I still want that intimate, happy, fun wonderful thing with my husband. I told him to many times now ... he just gets angry, goes even more quiet, doesn't look at me. But what else am I going to do? I just think he needs to learn how to be more active in a conversation. It all starts with questions but also an interest and desire to learn more from the other person. If he doesn't have that then we are truly screwed.

Hello everyone

I know this is an old thread, but I can't help but wonder what became of the OP, and the other posters. I came across this thread after googling silent partner, a lot of what has been written resonates with me. I have a young child with my DP, not married, and honestly I cannot bear the silence. I wonder is it a stage every couple with a three year old goes through? Or something deeper. He has no friends, doesn't make and effort with his mum and dad or brother, I'm always the one that has to make the effort in social settings. It is so awkward. But like others have said, he too is great with our daughter, great with kids. I would feel terrible ripping the family apart, but I feel like I'm staring down the barrel or a gun.

Just replied but realised it's a resurrected zombie thread

@Missmybed I've found it interesting to read too even though it's a zombie thread!

I really resonate with a lot of the posts too. I have recently separated from DH for similar reasons. Since we had dc everything changed in our relationship - he became stressed, withdrawn, silent, irritable with me. Like PPs have said, he was always fine with the dc, and interacted with them, but not with me.

I struggled for years with the sitting in silence, no effort etc, but in recent years I think the stress and loneliness caused me to keep trying to talk to him, understand, improve things, leading to DH becoming even more clammed up and angry.

He seems to have let go of all his friendships, withdrawn from his family (I'm now closer to his family than he is!) and only seems truly comfortable with children or animals.

I notice that when he spends time with someone who is high energy, exciting and giving him attention, he comes alive and seems invigorated, but then that energy quickly goes. He can't generate it by himself. I think there's a saying called "energy vampire" and I think that's what he's like.

Our dc are now teens, and I was devastated to break up the family. But things are slowly getting easier and to be honest I felt like I had no choice. My self esteem and mental health was at rock bottom after being ignored for years and I thought it would actually be better for the dc not to see me getting more and more ground down.

I feel for you - it's not an easy situation to be in.

I was with my ex for 10 years who was an extrovert. He had LOADS of friends, was always the life and soul of the party, the one in the middle at the bar holding court, the one arranging parties for birthdays and occasions and the one who would make plans for us to go out. All. The. Time. It could be fun but was also hard work and tiring. Plus we were / are both talkers so it was never quiet, lots of arguments / bickering and constant texts and phone calls (not necessarily a good thing when neither of you can switch off).

I'm now with someone who is the complete opposite. He's quiet, calm, would take staying in over going out any day, doesn't have many friends but is very family / home focused and a completely solid and dependable partner. He is thoughtful and hard working and makes me feel very loved.

He would rather put a documentary on TV in the evening than sit talking. He has a very busy and demanding job so just enjoys calm in the evening. However it took me a couple of years to not keep asking if he was ok if he was quiet because I wasn't used to it!

Most importantly though, he has always been like this (I knew him for years before we got together) and is the same with absolutely everyone in his life. He isn't ignorant or lazy or uninterested. He's just quiet. He'll always listen and he he talks about things he's passionate about, he just doesn't really entertain small talk, gossip or pointless conversations unlike me 😂Thankfully I have my friends and work colleagues for that though!

His calm energy balances out my chaotic mind and he definitely brings out the best in me which I think is the most important thing in any relationship.