Should i leave my husband

[Crystalbee]

Hi i really need some advice. I find this too hard to talk to people i know about. Will try not to make it too long.
Have been with my husband for 12 years. We have 2 children under 5. Generally we have enjoyed our time together, just normal. Ups and downs but we have loved each other.
About a year ago i started to get p-d off about the relationship my husband was having with a colleague, mainly texts. Never anything explicit but just too much contact and the thing i hve to explain about my husband is he has NEVER been one to keep female company hes just a mans man!
So this upset me as he seemed to be getting close to her. I started to check his phone and altho i never seen any texts that were blatanly out of order they were clearly close.
As i stareted to get more annoyed my husband said i was paranoid. Anyhow this went on for months he made me feel like i was totally out of orfer and nothing was going wrong.
She then transfered to a diff department and i was relieved. But i said i didnt want him going to her leaving do. He agreed. But within 2 days of saying he wouldnt go he suddenly wanted to go. It caused a massive row and he said he didnt love me. He said nothing had happened with this colleage but that it almost had and that now he wanted to leave me and he might start seeing her.
As you can imagine this destroyed my life. I was in shock for a few days. During this time we talked and he said he was just unhappy witj our life (things been touch with our jobs, never seeing each other etc) he said he was sorry for what he said and that we needed to talk and try get thru it.
He has always maintained NOTHING happened with this girl it was just a stupid crush. The texts he sent to her (that i seen anyhow) were never sexual. Howevr she clearly over stepped the mark but he let her. One night she text him at 2am saying 'love you' i went mad. Text her telling her to f off.
This whole thing devestated me. My husband pleased sorry for letting his relationship with her get too close and said it was a stupid crush that never actually turnned into anything.
I found out he had deleted lots of texts she sent tho as i would not hve liked them however we later retrieved them and i seem that she out of order but my husband was never more than friendly. He did admit tho he grew attracted to her due to all the attention she gave him.
I agreed to forgive him and wanted all contwct with her stopped. He agreed. Well as far as i know..but i DO believe he hasnt had any contact with her.
I was starying to come to terms with things and try rebuild our relationship, but now 6 months latet he has upset me again. Suddenly he gets this girls friends number, granted this girl DOES work with my hisband still and was applying for his type of job so i DO understand the contact but i found out he deleted a text which mentioned this tart. He says he just didnt want me to see a text with her name and upset me (he says the text only mentioned her in a sentense naming a few folk)
bUT im so so confised that hes deleting texts still.
Please please help me. Im so upset and confused.
He says he is so sorry he just didnt want me to see her name and bring it all back.
But im so scared im being lied to.
He def has not seen this tart i know 100 % as he either at work or here with me and kids.
I have continued til now as i do love him and we have 2 children. Plus i do believe nothing happened.
Do i need to try forget these latest lies and move on or should i leave???

I think he's playing you, and he played you the first time too.

Your DH is the one that is married, so to call the other woman a "tart" is a bit much really.

He sounds like an arse, people only delete emails for a reason, that is because they are hiding something. When he got caught, he blamed it on you - its a script, something happened.

You don't believe nothing happened. You're eaten up with suspicion and mistrust. Given how it ended up before with him threatening that he would have an affair if you didn't shape up .... very cruel thing to say.... he's not exactly tripping over himself to be a paragon of good behaviour. Please stop referring to her as the 'tart'... your problem is with your DH, not this colleague.

Once you've decided or established that you're being lied to, nothing the other person says or does can take that feeling away, unfortunately. It's up to you what you do next but the options are broadly a) nothing, b) tell him to leave or c) suggest couples counselling and full disclosure of everything that has or hasn't been going on.

I do have issues with this tart. Thats why i ca her that. I am NOT excusing my husband for a minute. But she did some pretty nasty sly things to hurt me and i have seen their text conversations, none of my husbands texts were flirty but hers were very over stepping the mark.
Im struggling with the lies.i DO believe nothing happened. bUT i think it was about to. Whether or not that would hve been a full blown affair behind my back or a drunken snog before my husband realised what a mistake it was i do not know.
What i do know is i have known my husband many years before we got together, i knew him in a relatonship and i knew him when was single for 2 years before we got together. He never has ever been one to go after women. I hve never had ANY reason to doubt him until this woman cane along.
I saw texts her inviting him out to things and him saying no, lying to her saying i was working etc so he had to babysit. So i do know she was over stepping the mark.
He of course shouldnt have let it get out of hand.
We have 2 children under 4, their lives are at risk here i cant walk out lightly.
But i jyst need to talk to people as i just find it hard to talk to others.
I have told 2 of my closest friends and they both know my husband well and think he is genuine that it was a stupid mistake as he wasnt happy and she threw herself at him

He is stupid and its the deleting this text thats thrown me again and made me upset.
He says the last thing he wanted was for her name to be seem again and bring it all back. (He is right im very sensitive and would hve been upset) but i would rather have seen it.
I know he hasnt seen her since she left. 100% 6 moths ago

But he told you he didn't love you and might start seeing her! Please please don't be niave enough to think that he was trapped by a wanton woman. He was thinking with his dick, he has probably done it before. So he clearly didn'#t try THAT hard to put her off - i imagine she probably didn't want him in the end.

I am not saying you should leave him, but you need to be able to trust him because your children will not have happy lives if there are problems between their parents.

Im sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to be realistic, and he needs to be honest, honest is not deleting texts, he is lying about the recent texts. You clearly don't trust him as you woudnt be checking, my DPs phone is down here, its beeped a couple of times, he is upstairs, i can't be arsed to get up and look, probably ebay reminders or something, other woman? im 100% sure it not!

How close an eye are you keeping on his texts?
This doesn't sound like anyway to live.

You're still blaming her. If she was overstepping the mark it would have taken two seconds to say... 'no thanks love, I'm happily married' and tell her to back off and not contact him again. Difficult to have a conversation with someone who doesn't respond but no, he was flattered, and he strung the woman along. Your problem is that you don't trust him and that he is stupidly behaving in a way that is not helping. You need to find a way to talk to each other with 100% honesty and for a long, long time if you're to get over this.

Yes i know, the thought of what he said tortures me. We have had a really tough year while this was happening. We worked all the time and hardly saw me. This was necessity but it was hard for me esp since he got on so well with her.
When i think about him saying what he did i want to vomit.
He has said he was so stupid for what he said and like i say i did see all messages by backing up. His phone now is a open book altho obv if he deletes who knows!
I guess what im saying is that can i move on from this?
Im so so hurt and dont know how to feel better.
He has been a good husband and father til rhis happened and since it happened has done everything i asked like cutting off contact with folk who knew her etc until this text

I don't think calling a woman who has tried it on with a married man with young kids a tart is 'a bit much' if it was my do then I'd have much stronger things than that to say.
He is obviously to blame, he's the married one but she is most definitely a tart.
I dont blame him for trying not to hurt you but it does impact on your trust. I think this may take a lot of time to work out if you can trust him again.

Dp not do

Crystal why would he have to lie about you being out? Why would he just not say 'no'

I think he was more involved than you know/admit but I think all your hatred is planted firmly on the foot of the other woman. You should be looking to your husband. He is an adult, he knew what he was doing.

Of course he dosnt want you to see her name- it will remind you of what a cock he has been.

I would never distrust my DH but if I was to ever say to him 'I don't want you to go, I feel insecure about your relationship,' he wouldn't go. We would sit and talk about why/how I felt like that and to fix it.

Im sorry but I would never trust your dh again

He has admitted he was completely wrong but says he does not want us to end that things were just so hard at that time and she was there at work being a friend etc while i was at home and when he got home i was moody cos he had been working so much. This is true. We both should hve given each ither more time/love.
I love him but im just so scared

She was always texting him saying oh lets do this..blah bblah sometimes it was Work related but sometimes just to go out. He would hve found it hard to just say no when work related as they would basucally say you cant do it ok well someone else will, you dont want the promotion etc
If that makes sense?
She asked things deliberately to cause issues.
Im not excusing him and he did say no to going out with her badically so they only saw each other in work.
She was his HR manager so she totally had him controlled in terms of job!!

why on earth should he need to text the womans friend, and start mentioning her?

Yes, I think you should leave him.

You know what they say... 'People with nothing to hide hide nothig'. He is massively guilty and with good reason.

he is blaming you for his relationship with this other woman -nice.

Looks like the other woman took all the blame then

So he thought it was OK to flirt with a colleague because you were moody? That's really not the attitude of a man who is sorry, it's one trying to push the blame onto someone else. You're blaming the colleague, he's blaming you... and voila no-one's blaming him! If you think about it logically, it places the responsibility for this not happening again at your door. All you have to do is be eternally cheerful and never 'moody'.... you up for that?

I just so confused.
I have nevet had reason to not trust him in the many years of our relationship until this happened.
And the fact that he never really even got on with women in the past just made it shock me more!!!
Hes one of those idiot men who women just cant stand haha well apart from me and that tart.

No-one ever thinks their partner is the type.

He has not blamed me and believe me i HAVE blamed him. And do but i also take great hate in her and always will.
She was his HR manager she acted totally unorofessionally.
But whatever...
I guess im just scared. He has been totally remorseful and said he should have opened up to me and not got friendly with her. She was offering what i wasnt at the time, chatting etc he spent so much time at work, with her while i was at home.
He says he wants nothing more now than us.
I want to believe that as until recently i was very happy and our children are too.
But im just hurting so much.
And i know people have gone thru worse. Some people actually forgive physical affairs. I dont even know how to forhive an emotional one

Of course he didn't want you to see a text with her named in it.

Because he wants you to shut up and forget about it now. He wants it all to go away. Probably because he knows that with a bit more digging you'll eventually get to the truth about what really went on.

Yeah boo hoo poor him, some crazy tart throwing herself at him and he was so helpless. It suits him for you to keep on believing that.

Like i say i am 100% sure he has not seen this person since. SO how do i trust him and move on?
I am trying but the text was upsetting.
The friend texted him so it wasnt my husband contacting her, badically she wanted advice re a job (she still works for same company) then she got an interview and my husband found out thru her partner (hes a manager) so this girl text my husband and said how did you find out i got an interview as i only told blah and blah one of which was the tarts name.

I genuinely dont think anything ever physically happened. But i think it was about to

Emotional affairs are often very hard to deal with because they involve affection, connection, 'love' even. He can't easily say 'it meant nothing' because - whatever it was they shared - it obviously ticked boxes that you assumed were your role. I warn you now that trust, once lost, can sometimes never be restored. It's a fragile thing...