What the heck is going on?

[Timeforabiscuit]

My mum is an alcoholic who had a nervous breakdown while I was a teen, she hasn't worked since and was a single parent. I left home at 18 and have visited home and handful of times since. I now have two dds (5 & 3) who she has seen twice in total. Completely her choice.

Myself and the dds were meant to visit for half term, this has been about 6 months in the planning, last time we were due to visit the cooker broke the night before and despite me saying we could stay in a hotel she insisted it was not a good time, the time before that it was a tummy bug.

This time she phoned up to postpone by a day, so are supposed to be travelling down tomorrow - but I am fully expecting a drunken phone call cancelling - I've been on tenterhooks all day but I just don't know how to deal with this?

Alcoholics are complicated.

She likely wants to see you all in theory but can't face it in practice - because she knows it will mean either being seen half cut or not drinking for the duration of your visit. So she'll drink to ease her thinking about the problem. And so on.....

Thus ending up having to cancel at a late stage because she can't cope with the visit. Drunkenly, probably.

I wouldn't even contemplate going. If you ever got there that is. Your DDs don't need to see their grandmother six sheets to the wind - or drying out/wanting a drink and edgy.

What support does she have where she lives?

Why don't you phone her now and get it out of the way?

I think cozietoesie is right; she will want to see you but the consequence of seeing you is not having a drink or you noticing she is drunk.

Does she live alone?

Thanks cozie - some support as my brother is there to look in on her, but other than that she has church once a week and we speak about every two weeks on the phone.

It has been simpler to mask before, but the kids are observant as well as looking forward to seeing granny

She would point blank insist that she is not an alcoholic btw

Part of me wants to get it out of the way, give her an out, part of me wants to make it as difficult as possible so that she actually makes a choice in having us there or not.

'Granny's not well'. Just tell them that and plan something nice for the half term for them to do instead.

That would be after you've phoned her (as Imperial suggested) to say that regretfully, you can't make it. I bet you'll hear a sigh of relief at the other end before you get some half hearted regrets.

Maybe phone your brother as well to find out the score from his end?

There is no real choice for her, sadly. She may love you all but if she's an alcoholic, her main relationship is with the bottle, with you all coming a far second. It would just be a question of how late she left the cancellation - depending on how sloshed she got the night before and when she got herself together enough the next morning to phone or text.

That's very true cozie, I'm just surprised it stings each time it happens.

My brother was charged with drink driving recently and lost his licence - so I don't know if I'll get much luck on that score!

Ouch. Does he drink heavily as well? I would hope there's no tacit (or open) enabling going on.

Your DDs likely won't notice if you give them something interesting to do instead. If they haven't seen her more than a couple of times, she'll just be some distant presence who sends birthday cards and is mentioned by Mummy.

You're the one who is more at risk emotionally having had to live with this for a long time. Other posters may be able to suggest support group links or similar.

Yes to enabling, apparently it was very unfair that the police pulled him over for no reason - could happen to anyone !

Going to call once the kids are asleep,

Well that was a loooonnnggg chat, and you were both quite right - she was very relieved when I suggested it wasn't a good time to come down.

She's now planning New Years - I think I'll have to just ask her to invite us down when she feels she's ready, rather than keep on setting arbitrary dates. No idea if that'll work.

I am blooming tired now though

Well done for having the chat.

I wouldn't be banking on New Years either.

Hopefully, another poster will be able to steer you in the direction of some relevant support. It's difficult for you because you'll likely be worrying about your mother and your brother so having some strategies in place would be no bad thing. I'm not surprised you're tired.

Thanks so much for the good advice cozie - told the kids this morning that nan was poorly and that we were going to soft play and they were absolutely fine!

As last nights conversation went on she started talking about getting old, not doing what she used to able to do and reminding me of the times she took care of her mum. So she's going to be making more noises in that direction for the foreseeable future.

Still feel like a bit like a punchbag this morning - definitely need some strategies

Timeforabiscuit,

As other respondents have correctly surmised, your mother's primary relationship is with drink. Nothing and no-one else matters, drink is her number 1 priority. Her thoughts are mainly about where the next drink is going to come from.

I would not even countenance any visits at all in these circumstances, your children certainly do not need to see their drunk granny and nor for that matter do you. Apart from anything else she does not seem at all interested in any of you. You are not responsible for her when all is said and done. I would be forgetting all about New Year as well, she likely won't remember saying that at all nearer the time.

You are importantly under no obligation to your mother either, you do not have to look after her at all when she is old, alcoholic and infirm.

I would urge you to contact Al-anon and put real emotional distance between you and your mother. Detaching is all important here, it is not your fault she is an alcoholic and the 3cs re alcoholism are ones you would do well to remember:-

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Al-anons's webpage is www.al-anonuk.org.uk

If I choose to detach I have no other relatives (I've already detached from my brother).

I feel I'm cheating my dds - although it's not as if they have anything to lose at the moment.

It feels incredibly selfish to just dump her for not being good enough - I had enough guilt trying to throw away a Herman the German batter.

Remember those three Cs that Attila posted.

You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

They are true words. You shouldn't feel guilty because there's nothing for you to feel guilty about. The only one that can help your Mum is herself and if she decides to live at the bottom of a vodka bottle then that's very sad but not your problem.

In fact - getting too involved with her and her issues has the potential for disaster for you and your DDs. You mentioned in a previous post that she was talking about eg getting old and how she used to take care of her mum? Imagine how awful it would be for your DDs if, say, she came to live with you or close to you (because of your feelings of selfishness) and they had to spend their formative years living with a drunk.

Cheating? Not a bit of it. You're protecting them.