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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

living together

22 replies

nicetobehere · 22/10/2013 16:12

My husband is 42 and I'm 37. We got married 6 years ago. My husband told me before getting marriage he lived with someone when he was 20 but it was only for short time so he would anwer 'No' for the question 'Have you or your sponsor ever lived together?' on my fiancee visa form.

Today I asked him 'How long did you live with her?' 'Was it actually living together or staying together?.'

He first didnt want to answer promptly the length but I kepts asking him and he ended up saying He lived with her for six months. Is 6 months as short as not to be counted as living together?

Do you think you should tell your future spouse about your past cohabitation?

I feel weired. He told me about his past cohabitaion so he didnt lie but he didnt count it as living together.

OP posts:

Sparklysilversequins · 22/10/2013 16:14

I don't think I should have to tell anyone anything that happened in my past that I don't choose to, fiancé or otherwise.

LittlePeaPod · 22/10/2013 16:16

Confused op.. You are together, you are married and you live together.. Why are you so bothered about what he did and who with before you got together? He can't change the past!

Original poster

nicetobehere · 22/10/2013 16:28

The visa question was if you have ever lived together with someone other than your fiance(e).
I thought it would be only one or two months if the period is short enough to answer No. But now I came to know it was 6 months.

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 22/10/2013 16:30

I still don't get it.. Why are you so bothered about his past. Before he met you and married you?

hellsbellsmelons · 22/10/2013 16:32

I don't think 6 months is very long.
Did they buy a house together?
I wouldn't worry about this to be honest.
Life is too short and it's not worth your brain space.
Unless of course you have other examples of similar things?

Original poster

nicetobehere · 22/10/2013 16:33

LittlePeaPod, I think you must tell if you have ever married or divorced before you marry your fiance(e). I believe your past cohabitation is one of them.

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 22/10/2013 16:48

Why though? I don't care who my DHs ex girlfriends were. He married me and is having a family with me. Why does it matter? It happened before he met you and I would go as far as saying its non of your business unless past behaviour could affect you eg DV, cheating etc

ShatnersEmptyCatacomb · 22/10/2013 17:00

The question is whether the two of you have ever lived together, isn't it?

Either way, who cares what he did for 6 months 22 years ago?

Original poster

nicetobehere · 22/10/2013 17:02

ShatnersEmptyCatacomb. the question was whether any of us had ever lived together with someone before we met.

OP posts:

LittlePeaPod · 22/10/2013 17:03

# shatners

ShatnersEmptyCatacomb · 22/10/2013 17:12

It wasn't a shared student house was it? I can barely remember some of the people I lived with when I was 20.

ChunkyPickle · 22/10/2013 17:25

In Canada (the only country I have experience of for official 'living together' ness - since it doesn't count for anything in the UK) you have to live together for a year for it to be official (there are some other things too, like joint bank accounts/bills).

Is the question definitely asking if you've ever lived with someone, rather than specifically lived with your fiancee? Because the second makes sense, but the first really doesn't to me (although perhaps that isn't the case for countries who officially recognise co-habitation as virtually the same as marriage)

Morally, I don't see it's any of my business - not even if he was once married really - although by the time I was going to marry someone myself I'd have expected to know about any significant past relationships/history I think, and I'd find it pretty odd if I didn't.

eurochick · 22/10/2013 18:00

Surely the question is asking whether the two of you have lived together? Hence the word "together". Not a general enquiry as to whether you have ever cohabited with anyone.

And I am baffled as to why you would care what he did so long ago, frankly.

TurnOffTheTv · 22/10/2013 18:06

Why aren't you answering the question about why you care? Are you the lady who didn't want him to have women on his Facebook?

exexpat · 22/10/2013 18:10

20 years ago is ancient history - I really can't see why any immigration people would be interested in a six-month relationship half a lifetime ago. And I wouldn't be bothered either.

Forgive me for asking, OP, but your posting style sounds rather familiar - have you previously posted on here asking whether you should get upset about small things your husband or his family have done in the distant past? It seems to me that if you need to ask this kind of thing very often you may have bigger problems, either in your relationship, or in your own tendency to dwell on very minor things and blow them out of proportion.

Dahlen · 22/10/2013 18:10

If it were me, I'd be happy with your DH's explanation. 6 months is no time at all and I wouldn't consider that a serious relationship if they weren't married and didn't have children. Cohabitation is very different pre children and when you are both young IMO. It's more like house-sharing with the added advantage of having sex more easily available.

I'm sure there are many 20-somethings happily cohabiting in serious relationships who would disagree with me, so it's ultimately personal opinion. He gave you his and he's entitled to it, just as you are entitled to disagree, but I wouldn't feel weirded out by it, no.

TurnOffTheTv · 22/10/2013 18:12

Exexpat, I thought it was the same lady too.

Coffeenowplease · 22/10/2013 18:14

Im pretty sure it means co habitating in a relationship not just sharing a house/flat.

I doubt I could even name all the people (male and female) I have shared with.

Are you still struggling with anxiety type stuff OP ? This kind of thing really isnt important you know :)

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 22/10/2013 18:26

But the question was "Have you or your sponsor ever lived together?"
Not, "has your sponsor lived with anybody else ever?"

Dahlen · 22/10/2013 18:28

Squirted that's how I read it too, which left me a bit confused, but I put it down to being a typo.

ALittleStranger · 22/10/2013 18:34

"Living together" has no legal status in the UK, although obviously if you apply for benefits the whole partner versus flatmate becomes very relevant. But the point is it's easy to drift into living with someone. First they're there all the time, then they're staying because their lease expired etc. I can see why he may have felt it didn't count as "living together".

I've also known people who have lied about present and past cohabition on forms (for security vetting) just because it saves hassle.

I don't really understand your question or what you're angry about. I think after six years I'd expect to have an outline of a DH's past but I wouldn't drill for details.

BOF · 26/10/2013 23:23

Go to your GP. Honestly.

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