Need some advice re: living with a thief and a liar!

[Chocolatetruffles]

I don't want to drip feed, but will try and keep this as short as I can.

I am currently in my last year of university and I am living in student accomodation. I am in a flat with my best friend and 6 other girls we did not know before hand.

In the last two weeks various items of food have been stolen, everyone seemed very annoyed by this, to the point where we had a flat meeting. At the meeting all the girls claimed they did not know who the food thief was, no one came forward.

Then this weekend it has happened again, with nobody owning up. Each time it has been large amounts of food going missing, including more than half a large rubarb crumble in one night.

We have narrowed it down to two girls, by eliminating people who had food stolen, or were not in the flat at the times the food was taken.
Both these girls say they havn't done it, with one acting very suspicious, but still swearing blind that it wasn't her.

Both me and my friend have decided to organise a meeting for tonight where we will confront these girls and find out what is going on.

My problem is that the suspicious girl has said she will come, but has nothing to offer and thinks that it is pointless as nobody will confess. This attitude tells me that if it is her, she will stick to the lies she has told and refuse to admit she has been in the wrong. I have no idea how to approach this meeting now, as I feel it will be like talking to a brick wall!

I don't think you should really be thinking in terms of stealing and lying for half a rhubarb crumble going AWOL in your student digs

Maybe the person is a bit scared of the reaction if they do confess - she might be asked to leave for example and lose her accommodation/home.

If you have a meeting - which could be a good idea - I think you should say something a bit calming first and then say you'd just like to get to the bottom of it, and most of all for people to respect one another and each other's things, including food in the fridge and elsewhere.
Just use the meeting to go over some house rules, and hopefully things will improve for everyone.
You all need to work on improving things though if you're going to make the most of your house share experience.

I agree with Juggling - don't make accusations in the meeting - to be honest, draw a line in the sand.

Say that it's fine, perhaps people didn't realise the 'house rules' or the 'fridge rules' - but why don't we work together to draw up what is communal and what isn't. Non-communal food is untouchable, and if it does happen again, then it will become an issue.

That seems fair - puts it into the open and draws an expectation for people to meet. At this point it's all circumstantial evidence.

I think the laxative idea is a great plan. Some people are just selfish and not very good at living in shared accommodation. Best to avoid confrontation if possible as it will just make the rest of the year more difficult for all of you especially if you guess the wrong person.

The eating disorder thing is worth bearing in mind though.

Remember this will make a good dinner party story in a couple of years time.

I've only had this once, in a house-share. The culprit was no mystery-he was a compulsive eater. He always owned up immediately. He was very nice, but after he ate his way through the entire hamper my mother had brought me (a chicken, a ham, two loaves of bread, a fruitcake, all home-made) we realised normal life with him would not be possible and asked him to leave. Very sad.

We had to buy my daughter a room fridge. It is possible to get small under desk ones which are good, or useless. If you go down that route, check internal rather than external capacity.

Yes, your focus should be on people respecting each other's things from now on, perhaps helped by going over ground rules, labelling etc. rather than outing the rhubarb thief. If someone (or some people) have been thoughtlessly peckish, its more important for it to stop than to publically shame them.

Involve everyone in deciding how best to deal with food and drink in shared spaces, so they feel like rules everyone has choosen rather than ones imposed and enforced by prefects.

Make sure that if someone is dealing with food issues or money problems that they know they can confide in their flat mates who can help them find help etc.

Buy chocolate ice cream. Let it melt. Put in liquid laxative. Mix. Put it in the freezer.

My mum had to do this when she was a student, it works. Although she didn't have to remove all the toilet roll from the house, that was just evil, lol.

The laxative isn't a great idea, as you could really upset someone's system if they do have medical issues.

Can you make something like a really dark chocolate mousse, and load it with food colouring, so it stains the culprit's teeth and lips?

Just spoke to DH about this thread. He has just told me that one of his uni flat mates used to steal his clean underpants. He found out who it was but the culprit just thought its amusing and they were all due to move out anyway. Last year a uni...

just put a little web cam in the kitchen that is motion activated - you will soon find out who it is. don't tell anyone you have put a cam there. I would also try and put something on the door handle once everyone has gone to bed which will stain the persons hands, or put something on the floor which will stain their feet.

Keep wine etc in your bedroom.

From what I hear this is not uncommon in shared places. Doesn't make it right though. But I don't think anyone is likely to confess. you could always put some food in the fridge and when it goes missing say you meant to have thrown it out because......... and think of something horrible.

Have an update for you all.
I have spoken to my friend and the two girls, nobody was accused of anything, we just talked about it with them. They decided that they wanted to have a big group meeting tonight, instead of just the four of us. They want to give someone the opportunity to own up without outing themselves, by asking someone to leave a fiver in the kitchen to go towards replacement food. So we shall see what happens!

LittlePeaPod at the missing pants!

peggyundercrackers I like the idea of having something that will stain someones hands!

CallMeNancy No loo roll drama, as we are in halls and that gets replaced for us, but last year we were in a shared house, so we had plenty of drama then!

*peggyundercrackers

I loved in halls. Once a freshly cooked hot dinner was left on the side while the owner went to grab something from her room. When she can back it had disappeared! The dish was returned the following day. Shocking!

i also think you can't accuse. got to have more proof first or it will be awful.

DS kept having his drinks taken when he was in halls. He urinated into one bottle, waited until it had disappeared, and then announced what he'd done.

He lost no more drinks, but does have a traumatised mother who cannot believe that her little baby could be so disgusting!

Hope it gets sorted Chocolate - can't be much fun living in that atmosphere.

I once shared a flat with one other student and my food regularly disappeared, and she would do this pathetic little guilty simper and say, 'Oh but I only nicked a little bit'. (Yeah, a loaf of bread and a block of cheese, love.)

I think it was annoying not endearing because we were so bloody skint.

We had a dodgy housemate, really spooky scary, a girl we (6 others) lived with put hair remover cream in his conditioner (he had been pinching it amongst most other things left in communal areas (food, alcohol, you know student basics), she also pissed in a bottle of wine and left it on the side. Man the laughs that happened when he found out we're heartening at the time. Now of course we are all grown adults, but would we be tempted to do these things again? I can't say, I would like to think not though.

That and his tooth brush down the loo, had just watched private Ryan though one Sunday eve tv and Mexican night!

I had this happen in Uni in my first year, I had bugger all money, lived with randoms who were well off but liked trying my stuff. Mhelped themselves to everything. I confronted them and they just laughed it off. Seriously skint, my father was having an affair and devolved all financial responsibility for my digs, they knew this but helped themselves to my stuff whilst coveting their own.

At the same time....I had problems going to the loo (I wasn't a great cook! A bit green in that dept so got really constipated), after going to the Dr's, they gave me Lactulose, a huge bottle of this really nice sugary syrup. I tipped half my squash away and poured that in......and waited....and waited.

2 weeks later I heard a God almighty commotion in the night, 3 people darting back and forth to the loo. Half my squash had gone when I looked the next day. A fewdays later I heard one of the lads on the phone to their mum explaining they gave a stool sample (and their friends did too).

To my shame, I never said anything, I just laughed and laughed (inside) like a weirdo :(

at these awesome student stories! This is making me feel much, much better

Don't underestimate the possibility of a double bluff! My ex at Uni removed the labels from every tin of food in the food stashes of half his housemates, his own included (but cunningly made a note of the codes on his own tins, so he'd know whether he was getting peach halves or chopped tomatoes), thereby casting suspicion on the housemates whose tins remained unmolested. Oh, how everyone laughed when it all came out!

Laxatives and a camera

chocolatetruffles I'm in halls now and have been previously with a 'food thief' so I do understand. To be honest though in the end the constant hounding of the 'suspects' and all the related drama was worse than the food theft itself. I kept well out of it but it made things rather uncomfortable. No one ever owned up, but someone moved out because of the hassle which was a shame. One of my flat mates put up a long section of one of the laws about theft on the fridge and highlighted sections, and there were notes every day about it. At the end of the year one girl stole someone else's oven tray when she left then her sister used her room and stole my cheese, used mine and a friend's cutlery and returned it to the drawer dirty, and then smeared cheese all over the kitchen surfaces

Why not focus on trying to improve the atmosphere and relationships in your flat? It is unlikely anyone is going to own up but perhaps they will be less likely to do it again if they feel more friendly with everyone. We used to have film nights and shared meals, or all just cook our own meal but eat at the same time. It was lovely. This year my flat ages are rather unsociable.